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Get a babysitter, and get out. Join a women's support group, yoga, go to the gym, etc. You need to take good care of yourself. Otherwise, this will get too hard. It will also be healthier for the marriage, if you are not depending on him for everything.

The Harley's are really good, and often can turn things around, so let's hope for that.

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I have been so used to depending on him and letting my life revolve around him, that this will be a challenge. But I do think you're right. This week I have found myself less patient because I've not felt that good and had NO "me-time".

I am nervous about our session w/ the Harleys ... I am scared to death, to be honest! My H and I are both hoping for some clarity during that appt. I am scared they'll tell me to "give up, he's done". But again that question arises: If he really wanted to leave me, wouldn't he be gone already?


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Don't be worried about the Harleys session. They are GREAT, and always try to save the marriage, unless there is abuse.

Personally, I don't think your husband is going to want a divorce. He is getting all the typical advice from friends who haven't been through this. He is hurt and angry and is acting out.

At first, you are going to need to do the heavy lifting of recovery, and you need to take care of yourself and have some support to do that.

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I can handle that. There are the occasional waves of hope that keep me going ... I can handle some "heavy lifting". I will think of it like weight-lifting: the more I do it, the stronger I'll get!


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I don't think your WS wants a D either - keep up a Plan A, be patient, and keep focusing on "you". "Be still" really fits the situation here! If there is "confusion", I would stay away from the R or M talk as much as possible unless scheduled.

I agree, the Harleys are great! If you can get your spouse to talk to one of them, which you have, it is a great advantage!


BS (Me) - 33 WW - 31 Married 14 years, together 17 Daughter: 16 yrs old Separated: 12/29/06 D-Day: 2/2/07, EA/PA With Co-Worker Plan B Started: 3/6/07 D filed by WW: 4/18/07 Olive Branch offered (Plan B resumed after): 8/8/07 R Attempt by WW: 9/1/07 NC Established: 9/4/07 NC Broken: 9/5/07, 9/6/07 Status: Plan B, Pt. II (9/10/07)
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I hope he doesn't! I am both excited and nervous about our session tomorrow. Yesterday he actually checked to be sure we were still on for this ... it was nice. I think he's looking forward it, but for the wrong reasons.

When he got back in town yesterday, he ignored me. When we went on a walk together with DD, he wasn't really nice. So I told him that he was being rude and argumentative, probably a LB, but I just couldn't hold it in. After that, I went on about my day. I played with DD, read some of a book, and got DD to help me with dinner. By dinnertime, he was being nice again. Ignoring him seems to be what gets his attention - weird! He ranted and raved about dinner and thanked me for all my work around the house.

But, then after dinner, he went for a run. He did this on Saturday too. HE TOOK THE CELL PHONE WITH HIM! There are several reasons that he would do this:
1. In case of emergency
2. To prevent me from snooping
3. To make calls he doesn't want me to hear

The reason doesn't matter, its just weird and suspicious behavior. Especially after he was going through my cell phone yesterday afternoon ... but I can't go through his! I suppose I understand the need to go through mine - and I am being transparent. But why is what's on his phone such a secret???

Last edited by time_for_change; 03/12/07 11:39 AM.
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Wish us luck ... we have our session with the Harleys tomorrow. We are both so nervous! Any last minute advice?


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3. To make calls he doesn't want me to hear

BINGO!!!!!

I'm very hopeful about your appointment with the Harley's. They are usually able to help very quickly.

As far as him being nicer after you ignored him, I think that is kind of a male thing. Most women are better at talking than men. I've noticed the same thing about my ex. Whenever he wasn't in a good mood, I would just do my own thing, cooking, cleaning, etc.

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Haha ... you hit the nail on the head here believer! I'm almost certain he's making phone calls during these "runs" ... we'll see though. We are so nervous about this session - for different reasons, I think. I am hopeful about it though. I am praying that we will get some clarity on what to do next. I think we are both sick of living "on the fence". He asked me what if they tell us its hopeless? I hope that won't happen!


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No, they won't tell you it is hopeless. Be sure to take notes. I hope they spend more time talking to your husband, since he seems to be the one stalling recovery right now. You have already bought into the MB plan.

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I am nervous because of the unknown ... I have made myself transparent to him and he knows everything about the A. I have accepted responsibility for what I did and the choices I made, and I am in IC to change those things. I am working really hard to insure that this will NEVER happen again. I guess my nerves are more about him and his "give up" attitude. I can only pray that they can feel that he still loves me and give him hope and encouragement for recovery.


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I think he still loves you, and I have lots of hope for the marriage. It is still very early for him. But his actions are not helping at all. Hopefully, the Harleys will help.

Be sure to take notes. I've never done the counseling, but that is what everyone always says.

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His actions are not helpful, but he still shows signs of love. Will keep you all posted. Believer, thanks so much for believing in my M ... I've welcomed your encouragement! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


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Had our 1st session with the Harleys today ... didn't go as I had hoped, but we'll see. My H is totally checked out of this M and I see few signs of hope, but I'm going to keep trying. He at least agreed to do the EN & LB questionnaires. He isn't committed to spending more time alone with me though. He said he's doing this as a last resort and if things get better then great, if not oh well. I just don't see how things can get better if he won't spend time with me!?!

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Oh, don't worry about it. He is still very early in this. But I promise you that he will remember the things he heard, and hopefully he will think and act on them.

Did you get to talk too? What was the advice to you?

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I was to take responsibility for my A and make sure that he is aware that it (the A) was no fault of his. We have already had that conversation, but we had it again tonight. We are also to complete the EN & LB questionnaires. He reluctantly agreed.

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Well, the EN questionnaire is a start. His top will probably be admiration, honesty and SF, with maybe a little domestic support thrown in.

Have you figured out yours?

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Top 4: Affection, SF, Conversation, Honesty

And I think that you are right on target with his!

Last edited by time_for_change; 03/13/07 09:27 PM.
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TFC,hey girl!Sounds like our H are almost on the same exact timeline although I have no solid evidence against mine!But then again I don't live with him!Anyway,at least yours is putting forth a little effort!Mine isn't even calling!Good luck!

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He seems to put forth a false effort - like he's doing all this just to appease me. Then he goes off and calls & text messages this girl over and over and over again. He was even texting her during my private portion of therapy with the Harleys! Then he called her at 1 am and the darn cell phone is on death grip! I can't get to it, so I don't know much ... except the fact that I feel like I'm going crazy!

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