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Things are not looking so good ... he says he's been thinking about things, but I haven't figured out when he's doing that. When he's out drinking until 7am? When he's hanging out with his "friend" 3 days in a row? He says that if he had to make a decision right now, it would be divorce. But something is compelling him not to do that just yet ... he's not sure what that is. He gets angry every time we speak. I speak to him with kindness, and he gets angry! Maybe separation is best? What do you think? HELP!?!?!?!?! I am feeling so lost as to what to do ... I want to save my M and am so afraid that if we get separated it will be over for good


I have three questions for you to ponder.

Do you see anything judgemental in the above post?
Do you think you display patience?
Do you think you display empathy?

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Yes.
No.
Not really.

Thank you for your usual kick in the pants ...

Besides losing this frame of mind, what else can I do over these next few weeks to be more attractive to him? (And I don't mean physically attractive.)

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Well, that time I let you kick yourself. I only asked the questions! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Let's start with these things and we will go from there. But just accomplishing thse will make you infinitely more attractive.

MEDC

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TFC,my H does exactly the same thing!Every time we speak he acts defensive and mean!I have asked him several times why he wants to be mean but he says he's not!I think it's easier for them to be disrespectful when there is someone else!I don't know what to do anymore!

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MEDC - you are so right (as usual)! I did get to kick myself - but it felt good (odd, right?). With your help, I am beginning to recognize these things to improve.

I found out that my H talked to the OMs W today, so I think that had a little something to do with his mood. When I came home from work today, he was much nicer. I think he was trying to get to me a couple of times, but I wouldn't let him.

Examples:
1. His brother-in-law called the house and we missed the call. I told H that he had called and he wondered how we missed the call. I told him we were talking and didn't get to the phone in time. He started to get upset b/c he needed to talk to him. So I immediately apologized for inconveniencing him. His response? "Don't apologize for it - you didn't do anything wrong. What were we talking about anyway?"
2. He said he might not come home tonight. I would normally pout and carry on about it. Tonight, I told him that it was his choice and asked him to please leave the car seat with me in case he wasn't home in time to take DD to school tomorrow. He asked if I was telling him not to come home. I told him that I always want him here and that I look forward to waking up next to him when he is here.
3. When he left tonight, I waved good-bye and smiled. He called to ask why I gave a dirty look (I really didn't). I explained that the look wasn't dirty ... I was just thinking about how good he looked in his new sunglasses. He responded with something along the lines of "This is why things are so difficult. Now I have to go to work wanting you."

I think I'm getting the hang of this. We'll see.

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Well, its 5 am. He never came home. I can't sleep.

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He came home just before 6am. Text messaged me saying he was on his way. I sent one back saying DD didn't have to get up for another hour, he said "i know". I told him that I would have taken her to school. He said "I was trying to prove a point that when I say I'm going to do something, I will. I am responsible." I told him that he proved that he was responsible a long time ago. When he got home he asked if I understood - I told him I did. (Watch out - prob an LB coming!) I also told him that I knew he was responsible and he didn't have to prove that to me, maybe he needed to prove it to himself? Or maybe it was about proving he could come and go as he pleases? He said that wasn't it ... I said ok. We got along the rest of the morning.

Until now ... he just called wondering if I had talked to his mom b/c she called and demanded that he come over asap to talk. He didn't sleep much last night and is really upset that his schedule has been interrupted (his words, not mine). So, he is now in a bad mood, is over women (again, his words) and taking it out on me (understandable). I simply apologized that he was already having a rough day. The lack of sleep on both our parts isn't making our situation any easier. In the meantime, I am trying really hard to be patient, forgiving, and understanding.

Last edited by time_for_change; 03/21/07 07:49 AM.
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Turns out MIL had a chat with H about his drinking and pulling away from DD and those who love him. She reminded him that DD & I need him and love him and vice versa. She also told him that he shouldn't make any decisions right now, that he really needs to take some time to think things through. She was concerned (rightfully so) and wanted to talk to him about it before he went out of town. Glad she did. Hopefully he will consider all this on his trip. I love my MIL - she is such a smart and loving lady!

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Well, we ended up having a great day. No talk of the M, A, or R. Lots of short and pleasant conversations throughout the day. When I got home from work he wanted me to scratch his back. I am packing him for his trip tonight.

Then, I got a surprise. I was in the office picking up his socks and there they were ... Divorce papers. Not from an attorney, from online, but still - there they were.

I am devastated! Do I let this go as him doing a little investigative work about D or do I genuinely worry?

Last edited by time_for_change; 03/21/07 08:09 PM.
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Yesterday was our first real day of no M/D/R/A talk and we got along beautifully. He even came home early last night to talk and have SF before going out of town! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> (But asked me not to tell anyone we had sex!?! Who would I tell, and why not? He says separated people aren't supposed to have sex. I told him we can have our own rules.)

He did fall asleep on the sofa, but told me it was unintentional ... normally he would say he was "proving a point". I got a nice long hug and kiss on the head before he left this morning. I slid an alarm clock w/ a picture of DD & I in his suitcase so he can remember that there are 2 people at home who love and miss him.

I think I'll just keep working on me and hope its enough to keep him around without filing those D papers. (Still not sure how to feel about those. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />)

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I would ignore those D papers. They mean nothing at this point. Now, if they were from a lawyer, I might see things differently.

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Thanks MEDC. I am really trying to follow your advice to the T. I also read Mortarman's post to jks and printed it out. I put it in my planner to remind me of how my H must be feeling right now. I am committed to becoming a new woman!

The new me = good old parts [of me] + good new parts - old bad parts x Unconditional Love

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I got a nice phone call from the road today! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

He called to tell me that he appreciates how supportive I've been of his career. He thanked me for being supportive throughout our relationship and now. He said that I could have said "well, you're going to divorce me, so I guess you'll need to stay in town until the weekend to help take care of [DD]". I told him thank you, though I didn't realize we were def getting a D. He said that we just look at the situation differently. His perspective: it was over on DDay, if it works out then great! My perspective: its not over until D papers are signed. Either way the situation is what it is. He just wanted me to know that he really appreciated the support and that it is a plus on my character ... these are the things he is thinking about on this trip.

Let's hope he keeps remembering the good and that it outweighs the bad. Is Plan A succeeding? We'll see, won't we?

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He is noticing your latest efforts. Keep Plan A going. Good job today.


Me:52
W: 52
Married: 32 yrs
2 Sons (29 & 23)
1 Dtr (20)
1 GDtr (2.5) precious little girl
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Thanks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

AND! More good news ... he called to tell DD good night, we talked for a minute and he said he'd talk to me again tomorrow. Then, he called again an hour later just to tell me hi and have a good night. Another good sign! I'm not getting my hopes up too high, gotta stay grounded, but I must admit to a happy dance after that phone call!

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Have I ever mentioned that I hate roller coasters? I am an emotional wreck. I'm not sure how much longer I can hold it together. I think I'll get a babysitter one night so I can cry and hit the pillows w/o DD knowing. I am not calling him anymore, not begging him to think about it anymore, not having blind faith anymore. I am not having SF w/ him anymore, not worrying about what new girl he's with today anymore, not checking up on him anymore. I'm just going to work on being a good mom and an example for DD from here on out. I have an appt w/ an attorney on Tuesday. I guess I'll get my ducks in a row so I'm prepared when I get the D papers from him. Its all up to him now ... though I guess it always has been.

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Please keep our family in your prayers.

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what happened?


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I feel your pain TFC!I am trying to be strong but it's really hard!Sometimes it seems easier to give up,but keep the faith girl!It is out of our control now and that is really hard to let go of!We just both need to start focusing on ourselves and if they come around,then great,if not at least we are stronger and more able to deal with it!

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He lied ... and lied, and lied, and lied. Too many to count. He's cold and distant again today, not nice at all. I'm just not going to worry about it anymore. He's going to do what he wants to do. I'm just going to work on me and hope its enough. If not, I suppose I'll be ok.

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