I'm not sure you took a step backward, TFC, because the trend for your relationship has been a downward spiral for some time now. There’s not too much further down it can go, so a step backward is a minor detail.

I just skimmed through you threads to get a feel for what’s going on and I don’t have a clue what you’re doing. Frankly, I can’t tell if you have a plan to recover your marriage or not. From my point of view, you’re flailing around like a drowning swimmer and making just about as much progress as someone in the grip of an undertow.

As I understand this, you were the WW first, your husband found out, you confessed and now want to make this work. Your husband was initially supportive of the relationship but has decided to drift away and is a WH now. Without all the standard defensive “yes…but” qualifiers and modifiers, etc., is that a reasonable (AKA, “brutal”) description of what’s happened over the past few months? If it is, what’s your plan to get from where you are to where you want to be?

Look, I know you’ve read SAA, but your situation isn’t explicitly covered there. I think you would be well advised to get a personalized plan for recovery from Steve Harley. He’s an excellent counselor and getting advice specific for your situation would be invaluable. If you can’t afford that (and it would be money well spent) you and your husband desperately need a highly experienced, pro-marriage counselor from your local area. Right now, you and your husband are acting, and talking, at cross purposes and, based on your words, there’s darn little communication taking place. I don’t know how you’re going to get this marriage back together without professional couples counseling. There are just too many issues to address and you, as a couple, can’t even agree on an agenda.

You asked me the other day if I thought you should expose even if you were the WW first. I gave you a link I hope you’ve had the time to read. If not, please find time, because the answer lies in that thread. I think you need to make an effort to clear the air completely so you can revitalize your reconciliation efforts from a high moral plane. Poor, obscenely bad, decisions were made, but you can recover your integrity and begin working on the trust problems between you and your husband.

For instance, how have you disposed of the questions still unsolved from your own adultery? Have you exposed yourself to the OMW and apologized to her, for instance? Perhaps there is no OMW. I couldn’t find a reference to one in my quick skim of your story. Have you sent the OM a non-contact letter to formalize your revulsion at having nearly destroyed your marriage and how you want no contact with OM ever again? Have you shown it to your husband? This needs doing even if there is no OMW.

TFC, I don’t think you can put in a good Plan A and a Plan B without resolving your own adultery, either simultaneously with those Plans or before putting them into operation. If you try to minimize the existing problems, you’ll fail at resolving both your and your husband’s infidelity.

Okay, I think I’ll stop and let some others get a word in edgewise. Take care, TFC. You and your husband have dug yourselves a really deep hole, but you can climb out. It’ll take a lot of hard work by both of you, but it can be done. Good luck, lady.