A downward spiral indeed. And your comparison to a drowning swimmer is exactly how I feel. I need to get a grip!

As I understand this, you were the WW first, your husband found out, you confessed and now want to make this work. Your husband was initially supportive of the relationship but has decided to drift away and is a WH now. Without all the standard defensive “yes…but” qualifiers and modifiers, etc., is that a reasonable (AKA, “brutal”) description of what’s happened over the past few months? If it is, what’s your plan to get from where you are to where you want to be?

This is indeed an accurate description. As for a plan, read on ...

We did 1 session w/ Steve - H wouldn't do LB & EN questionnaires and told me not to schedule another appt. This morning he said he would consider another one ... we'll talk when he gets back in town.

For instance, how have you disposed of the questions still unsolved from your own adultery? Have you exposed yourself to the OMW and apologized to her, for instance? Perhaps there is no OMW. I couldn’t find a reference to one in my quick skim of your story. Have you sent the OM a non-contact letter to formalize your revulsion at having nearly destroyed your marriage and how you want no contact with OM ever again? Have you shown it to your husband? This needs doing even if there is no OMW.

I believe that we have addressed all questions from my A, but if we haven't I am completely willing to answer them. OMW exposed to H, so she knows. I told him via telephone that day No Contact and H told him No Contact. No letter has been written and I understand he's move across the country - should I still write one? I am currently in process of an apology letter to OMSTBXW.

So, I called in to the MB radio show and got Dr. Harley's advice. Dr. H said that we need to begin to address the reasons for my A TOGETHER (not just me in IC). He said that because of the steps I've taken following my A, H's only reason for his A is revenge (insignificant relationship). He suggested that I call OW to confront and point-blank ask ... I don't know that I can do that (and I think she'd lie). When he gets back in town, we need to have a talk. I need to state that I am willing and wanting to be in a M with H, but not one where we are emotionally separated. If H is unwilling to work on the M, we need to get separated.

I must say that I am finally having some peace with the idea of separation. I feel like I'm going crazy and can't find any solid ground to stand on. Maybe a separation would be good for us, but I really just don't want to lose him.