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One more, and I'm done today ... sorry they've just been adding up over the week!

Fogese???
WH (Tues.): I don't like sleeping in the house alone. Its just not the same without you all here.

WH (Today): It just doesn't feel like home here anymore, I feel sick being here. Its so lonely when the house is empty.

Well, honey, which is it?

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Told you you'd find that book interesting, TFC. Now to leave it laying out somewhere WH might just pick it up and thumb through it. Some yellow stickie's for bookmarks and highlights at particularly relevant passages might spur some thought for when he’s ready to resume human form again and actually begin thinking.

On that note, remember the alien doesn’t think -- it only emotes. Only nonsensical gibberish comes out of its mouth so don’t try to interpret the fog-speak. Attempting to assign meaning to its words, or find hope in them isn’t productive. It's not time yet.

How was Easter dinner?

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Oh! And, over vacation I talked to the girl from the pics. Get this ... SHE'S AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER!!! Nice. I want that kind of woman teaching my DD.


Sort of the way I feel about any wayward and their involvement with kids. My ex used to get up in the morning... leave her "friend" and go to teach Sunday school.

Glad you read the books. Sounds like you have been doing a lot to work on you.

As far as your H being foggy... I just don't see it in his actions or words. Sounds to me like he is hurt and not sure that he wants to be back home or not. It is a big decision for him since getting back with you means he will need to confront his lack of trust in you and deal with his feelings regarding your infidelity. Sometimes it is just easier to walk away. Keep working on you and hopefully he comes around.

MEDC

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I have done a LOT of work on me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

MEDC - what makes you think he isn't in some fog? (I realize that some of it is certainly pain from my A.)

Saturday night, he came home really late and had forgotten his house key. I had tried to call him several times to let him know and ask where I should hide a key, but he didn't answer his phone. So, when he called to get me to let him in, I answered joking with him about leaving him out there (not meanly) b/c he didn't answer my calls. Obviously I let him in. He came in the door, picked me up, and started kissing me like he hasn't in years! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> He went on and on about missing me ... but I just attributed it to alcohol (but must admit it was hard not to get encouraged). He admitted that he had seen OW for a bit that night (in public) and that he had told her a few days ago that I was keeping an eye on them (still don't know the full conversation). I'm afraid I've only driven them further underground by exposure, but the in-laws keep putting pressure on him to cut it out. I explained to him that he needn't maintain a friendship with someone (i.e. OW) who isn't a friend of the M.

Longhorn -
Easter dinner was good. At first, he just sat on the sidelines and watched us all be one big happy family. After a bit, he decided to join in. DD asked us something related to her toddler years, so MIL took the opportunity to bring out a photo album to show her ... and spent extra time on the photos of the 3 of us. She's great! At dessert, we were all seated and he got up from the table to get something extra for my plate. It was thoughtful.

So we spent the rest of the day as a family - he even kept off the cell phone! After we put DD to bed, he asked if I wanted to watch a movie with him. So, we did. I got up to get laundry to fold and he asked where I was going ... I explained what I was doing and he said "Just relax, sit down and watch the movie with me".

I woke up this morning and he was cuddled up to me in bed ... I know, I wasn't going to sleep in the same bed! But I went to bed alone - I don't know when he came to bed, but I didn't realize it until this morning.

Last edited by time_for_change; 04/09/07 02:15 PM.
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So, the messages I get are mixed - pretty common, I'm sure. He does nice things here and there that give me hope, but then I find out stuff like this. I keep wondering if I should just let him go, but then something [higher power maybe?] tells me to hang in there and keep trying.

I asked him out for this Friday night ... he said "probably". Followed by "The physical aspect of our marriage has never been an issue. We've always joked that our marriage was based on sex, but that's not really a marriage. The other side of things is just weird right now." I responded with understanding, but also let him know that M takes work ... especially the emotional side. I explained that I had asked about Friday so that we could spend more time together, this would help in working on that other side of things. But things are awkward between us at times, and I don't know how to get past that uncomfortable silence.

Last edited by time_for_change; 04/09/07 03:21 PM.
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More proof ... they HAVE been spending the night together. So far, the only proof is of them "snuggling" (that's how she put it in the email), but at least I know he's lied about spending the night with her. And, they started talking way back in May 2006. For the most part, it appears to be everyday average conversation, but her interest in him (back then) is obvious. I thought I always knew about his female friends ... obviously not this one (though I've met her on several occasions).

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I was just told that I put the final nail in the coffin this morning. I confronted him about spending the night with her ... he finally admitted to it, but swears there was no sex. I told him that as long as he lives in our home, he was to have no contact with her. (I was over the cake-eating and fence-sitting.) He says he lied about it b/c he knew it was wrong. I was told told that by my snooping and confronting I've put the final nail in the coffin. That he might have stayed had I let him get it all out of his system. That things were great when I just let him do what he wanted to and said nothing. That he didn't understand why I couldn't just let go. That all this was my fault (I'll accept part of the blame). That he was going to get D papers today.

He said something like "Yeah. I had a friendship, it got a little too emotional. So what? After what you did to me! Its not an affair."

What have I done??? Why didn't I just shut-up and let him have his little revenge A and come back home? Why couldn't I just let things be? What can I possibly do to make things right again?

Last edited by time_for_change; 04/10/07 08:17 AM.
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TFC

I don't think you're done yet. Everything he said was straight out of the WS playbook. Yes, your sitch is a different than the normal A, but don't get discouraged.

I'm sure the pros will be around soon to provided help. Just keep your head on straight.

LoBoy


"You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one." Thoreau
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Hi there, time...
I was in the same situation as your husband. I had a revenge affair, and my husband ended it by snooping and confronting me.

I was SO MAD at him for reading my email and "shedding light" on my behavior. I felt entitled to have an affair, to have some happiness in my life. After all, I deserved it, right?

Wrong. My husband did the right thing; I see that now. He saved me from making a huge mistake and now I'm grateful to him. It took a long time for me to see this. My husband was patient, and doing a perfect Plan A (he didn't know about MB, he was just doing what he felt was right) while I was in withdrawal. I have a lot of respect for him now, looking back at that awful year.

You can do this. You did the right thing; your husband will see that with time. I know it's hard right now- try to keep faith and it will get better.

Blessings,
~Saturn


Me: 45
Him: 47
married 23 years
Two wonderful sons
D-day for my EA: 8/15/04
D-day for his PAs: 8/16/06

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Thank you both! I am going to Plan A my fanny off now, I suppose that's my only hope. Though this morning I told him not to bother living in our house while he's still "friends" with her. But I am just not at all ready for Plan B.

A few more choice words he had to say this morning:
"You're the biggest mistake I ever made. How does it feel to hear that?"
"I'm only still married to you for DD & sex, but that's not a marriage. I guess we'll have to get divorced."
"Can't we just go back to the way it was when you let me do whatever I wanted and you just worried about yourself & DD?"
"Its not an affair because of what you did first."

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Please try not to listen to his words. He's hurting and wants to hurt you. Put the earmuffs on. I said a lot of awful things to my husband- I didn't mean them.

He will be difficult while he withdraws from the OW. Try to give him "a soft place to land" after he works through his emotions. Be better than her. It will be difficult, because she is a "fantasy", but worth it.

Hang in there-
~Saturn


Me: 45
Him: 47
married 23 years
Two wonderful sons
D-day for my EA: 8/15/04
D-day for his PAs: 8/16/06

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I know that they had a tiff yesterday, which accounts for his bad mood last night (she was upset he didn't stay with her on Sat. night). I will go find my earmuffs (LOL).


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Ooooh! I got to use Orchid's Reverse Babble ... so exciting!

So, do I keep my mouth shut about her for a bit (while keeping a watchful eye)? What do you suggest?

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I just got the ILBNILWY speech ...

What am I supposed do with all these things he says!?

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What am I supposed do with all these things he says!?

Listen to them for ways you can improve your relationship with him, identify ways to meet his EN's, and ignore the rest as alien speech from the mothership.

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TFC, your husband is following the “Wayward Spouse Handbook” right down the line. Succinctly, you don't do anything about what he says except continue with your Plan A, and perhaps do some of Orchid's reverse babble when the opportunity presents. When you do your Plan A, always have in mind Pepperband's "Carrot and Stick of Plan A," okay? Plan A doesn't mean you become a doormat.

I forget. Have you finished your exposure plan? Did MIL and SIL have some chats with him on Easter as I think you said they were going to do?

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MIL, SIL & FIL all chatted with him while DD & I were on vacation ... they are all very upset with his behavior! He is feeling the pressure for sure. MIL & FIL told him he would be stupid not to quit this behavior and try at the M, but he is in his own little world.

I made it clear to him today that as long as he in a relationship with OW, he cannot stay in our home ... then he went off and called her right after meeting up with me this afternoon!

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rememeber that you have no legal right to keep him out of your home. I thought you had stopped snooping on him... including his phone records.

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I had quit snooping for a bit ... obviously that didn't last. I am giving him opportunities to earn back trust by telling me the truth. I have given him all my passwords to snoop as he pleases as well.

I know I can't kick him out of the house ... but I can ask him nicely to leave if he isn't going to commit to the M. I am trying to be as nice as possible about everything, but I thought I made it clear that I will not tolerate an ongoing affair in our marital home - just as he wouldn't.

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I wouldn't be too concerned about legalities and such. In Texas, such things are not a matter of criminal law so the cops can't make a person leave a home where they've established residence, and they can't make a person in possession of a home accept another person into that home. It's a matter of civil law and WH would have to file suit if you happen to change the locks and stuff like that. Mind you, you'd lose the suit, but it's highly unlikely this would go that far. I wouldn't worry about that right now. Deal with it if and when it comes around.

Keep on snooping too. Until you're absolutely certain the adultery is over, it's the only way you're going to find out the truth.

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