Well, I suspect what you're experiencing is a normal human reaction to a highly stressful period. Until now, you've been so heavily involved in your reaction to the WH's infidelity that you've put off actually considering all the implications of what has happened. I think you've been reacting instinctively since you discovered WH's adultery. Now that you have time to take a breath, you're second guessing yourself and wondering if you made the right decision.

I don't think that's wrong or unhealthy. We all take another look at what we’ve obligated ourselves to when there are difficult things to do and when we make serious commitments, dedicating ourselves to a huge amount of work we know will be very emotional draining. Don’t misunderstand me. I support the right of every betrayed spouse to make a conscious decision whether to stay in the marriage or decide to separate one’s self from the betrayer.

The thing is, I think you have to also pay attention to your instincts in making that conscious decision. Instincts are your subconscious mind telling you things it can’t do in a logical process. If your first instinct was to turn away from an OP and rededicate yourself to the marriage, it was for a reason you might not be conscious of right now. If your first instinct was to save your WS from his adultery and bring him back to the marriage, it was because something in you told you it was the right path for you and him.

You married your spouse once for some very good reasons. Examine those reasons also, in addition to your doubts. Your marriage was probably vulnerable before the adulteries occurred – perhaps for some of the reasons you enumerate. Fine…but it doesn’t mean there aren’t good reasons for staying together too.

Dr. Harley wrote the last half of SAA because marriages ARE vulnerable at times. That section of the book is dedicated to healing the vulnerabilities and making the marriage stronger than it was before. Take another look at the passages in SAA, and listen to SH’s advice, okay?

Give this time…a lot of time. There’s no need to make an immediate decision, particularly at 3:00 in the morning, the darkest hour for any human being. Stay with this, TFC. Working at the problems through counseling will show you the proper course.


DB: I don’t know much about your situation, and my response is directed to TFC, but I hope you can read enough between the lines above for your own use. Hang tough, pardner.