It’s obvious he's actively working now to keep you at arm's length but I agree, his motives aren't clear at all. He may not know himself what he wants to do. Manipulative techniques are tools we human beings use for all sorts of reasons and that use doesn’t have to be a conscious thing. The heartbreaking thing about it is, the best course of action that would clarify things for him in his own mind, and yours, is the one thing he apparently won't do – professional counseling.

A second problem is he doesn't see this limbo can't go on indefinitely. Though he speaks of years before he'll make his decision to stay or go, it's too volatile a situation to remain unsettled for that long. If your marriage is to be salvaged, he must be shocked out of that frame of thought and made to see what he’s doing to himself and his family.

(Have you expressed your disagreement with his X-number of years plan?)

Regretfully, the shock value of a great Plan A, followed by a dark Plan B may be the only thing that gets through to him. He wouldn’t be the first.

TFC, I think it may be necessary to talk to your attorney about filing for a legal separation or actually petition for divorce in order to get him out of the house for a good Plan B. Just "filing" of those actions is not binding...they don't have to be carried out to the last extremity...and a skillful attorney can draw them out almost indefinitely while your Plan B does its work in your husband’s mind. Maybe you should check with your attorney, tell him/her about your purposes in doing this and see what advice you get?