TFC, the only thing you can do is to hang in there with a good Plan A for as long as you can, then go to Plan B. That's Dr. Harley's program and it's about the only thing that can work. So long as you’re in Plan A, please resist the roller coaster rider as much as you can.

Let's summarize what has been going on for the past few weeks, okay?

First, your WH is in NC, so far as you know. On the other hand, he has been in contact with your OM and OMW until comparatively recently. (That, btw, is something I’ve not encountered out here before.) Second, he shows no sign of being at all remorseful and, in fact, defends his right to have had an affair of his own. Third, he has made some overtures toward “getting along” as friends. At the same time, he's keeping you at arm's length. Finally, he's showing signs (if I'm interpreting your words correctly) of becoming comfortable with the relationship in that condition. Okay so far? I can’t think of anything to add to that. If you can, please do.

I think you are beginning to feel, on a deep level, your husband’s detachment and unwillingness to commit to you...both in his words and actions. I suspect the sub-conscious mind reflects such a realization with a sense of foreboding. Does it seem to you there is a cynical component to your WH's actions...something aloof and calculating? I get a sense of a hidden agenda that disturbs me. Does it seem that way to you?

TFC, if this continues much longer, I think you must strongly consider implementing a dark Plan B sometime soon. The better Plan A you do, the stronger Plan B becomes...and the darker Plan B you do, the better the contrast between how WH is forced to live in the darkness and how fine it could be if he commits to the marriage.

There is a point of diminished returns in Plan A, past which a wayward spouse becomes relaxed and contented because he or she isn’t really forced to deal with much strife. Because there is no confrontation about the marital relationship, and the partner seems to accept a less intense relationship, the WS can begin to get accustomed to the new situation. When you sense that point coming, I think you need to set as great a Plan B in motion as you’ve done a Plan A.

I think your best plan is to hang on as long as you can in Plan A and then pull the trigger on Plan B. Regretfully, I see most of the past two weeks as a false recovery period. Perhaps you can stay in Plan A long enough to see what WH’s “surprise” is in two weeks, but that might be a watershed moment. If he doesn’t seem to be moving toward a commitment, and Plan A accomplishes that only about 15% of the time, Plan B might be in order.

TFC, it strikes me you might consider calling Dr. Harley’s radio program and present him with the facts of the past few weeks such as how long you’ve been in Plan A, your husband’s apparently comfortable detachment (if you agree with that analysis), his lack of remorse and, finally, your newfound premonitions of a doomed marriage. The radio program is a chance for contact with the good doctor and his wife for some priceless advice. What do you think?

LH