Yes, Ark is an exceptionally gifted individual and has a number of fine posts out here. One that I recommend to people all the time is her "Be Still" thread. I think I've given you a link to it before but if not, it can be found here.

[b] [color:"blue"]Ark's "Be Still" Thread[/color] [/i][/b]

Mulan is another fine lady and expert on the MB program. She has exceptionally clear insight into the problems people experience and I highly value her input.

I saw your post on Sadmo's thread. I was pretty sure you'd see a lot of similarity between her case and your situation. Things aren't exactly the same (they're more like parallels than duplicates) but I think you can learn from the pros who posted on Sadmo's thread.

Your WH is indeed becoming entrenched in a new persona. There’s an old C&W song about someone being married and acting single – I just can’t quit locate it in my collection to replay it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Your husband wants his "freedom," as he put in his EN list, but he also wants you sitting at home as a fallback plan. Frankly, unless something happens to jar him out of this pattern, he can keep it up for years, and I’m inclined to say he’d be indulging himself with brief affairs or ONS’s from time to time. If something doesn't influence him to recommit to the marriage, those will be years of grinding agony for you and your daughter.

A 180 might be the way to go if you do not want to consider the possibility you might need to do a legal separation when you implement Plan B. Before you go that far though, you need to go back to Orchid’s question and outline your plan for how you’re going to proceed…and what your time limit for each phase is.

Now…are you comfortable proceeding with Dr. Harley's program using the criteria that until your husband recommits to the relationship, he's still a WH? Since you've indicated some discomfort with that definition, I hope you call the radio program to see what Dr. Harley's opinion is. I’m going to wait to hear what you get from the radio show or from SH, okay?

BTW, I think when your husband tries to throw things back on some action of yours, he’s using a manipulation method that is very similar to a form of emotional abuse known as “gaslighting.” The term comes from an old black and white movie (circa 1940, and a re-release in 1944) where a husband uses the technique to terrorize his wife. [i]People use gaslighting to deflect criticism of themselves and to avoid taking responsibility for whatever they find uncomfortable addressing directly…and honestly.

Here is a thread about gaslighting started by our friend, Mulan. I think you’ll find her first paragraph incredibly illuminating. I believe your husband is using the technique as a ploy to keep you off guard and powerless. As you can see, it’s a control technique, one that keeps you back on your heels and perpetually on the defensive. After all, if it’s always your fault, you can’t be “right” in any discussion, can you? In such a circumstance, he appoints himself as the one in charge, and the technique confirms his status in his and your mind.

[b][i] [color:"blue"] Mulan’s Thread On Gaslighting [/color] [/i][/b]

I think it would be a good idea to educate yourself on gaslighting and practice how to turn it aside. Don’t fall for the technique and prepare yourself to redirect the discussion back to the correct channel.

For the example you use, perhaps something you could use is to initiate a dialogue about ENs and which ones he wasn’t meeting that made your marriage vulnerable to you having an affair? Just a “for instance.” I’m sure you could find your own calm reply. It’s a matter of attitude. Don't be afraid. The status quo can be changed.