No, I actually think he DOES at least partly understand your POV and he’s more than half the way there to agreeing with your position. (1) He's suggested he might be receptive to changing the phone number. That was an invitation, TFC, whether his tone of voice and demeanor indicated it or not. You can work on that. (2) He knew you wanted honesty and DID tell you about the TM. He wouldn't have if he was convinced it was no big deal. (3) He was protective...he asked you at one point if you were okay. Don’t think so much about what he SAID; think more of what he didn’t say, and what he’s done.

Bit by bit, this problem can be solved, TFC, but probably not today. Take a deep breath, or do one of those primal scream things I’ve read about, or whatever you have to do to put the hurt aside for a moment. You’ve done with so many other hurts since this began; I know you have. Do it with this too so you can deal with it using some good problem solving techniques, okay?

This contact from OW is something you have a good reason to bring up with him whenever the opportunity presents, as it has today. Set yourself up for success, TFC. Think of ways to influence your husband without pushing him to move faster than he can at the moment. As you’ve said yourself, you can’t change him; he must change himself. Also…remember, it’s human nature when one is pushed, one resists and might even push back.

Here are a few things I can think of off the top of my head. In general terms, find a way to make changing the cell number a more attractive proposition than the difficulties of changing a business phone number. I don’t know your husband so you must filter this through your knowledge of his behavior.

How about asking him if you were to give him a new phone (with all the bells and whistles) for Christmas/his birthday/anniversary/for TGIF or whatever, and work things around to get it across to him that if you help him notify everyone, will he finally pull the trigger? It gets the conversation going in a non-accusatory way. No one is on edge; no one is defensive, okay?

Maybe he grins and nods. Problem solved. You launch into a discussion of what features he likes on all these new phones. Perhaps you find an opportunity remark, with a certain phone, he can send video back to your daughter of interesting things he sees. You take the occasion to lightly lament about how she misses him when he’s gone, and then you let it slide. That idea has been planted or nourished. There’ll be another time to work that issue.

Maybe he scoffs at the idea of changing phones. He’s not receptive at the moment. Maybe he feels threatened for some reason you can’t fathom. Maybe his back is hurting. Maybe he’s remembering something on that TV show last night that’s bothering him on a level he isn’t even aware of.

Not a problem. It’s not failure if he didn’t immediately and enthusiastically jump on board. Reiterate how bad it makes you feel and then walk away from the conversation.

Tie this all together, lady. This is one coherent program. You’ve started a good process of letting him know you won’t be disrespected in discussions by stating your boundary and doing the 180, right? If you apply a 180 in this, it’s a subliminal reminder to him (or on a deeper level, his subconscious) that the phone number issue is no different from verbally abusing you. Then…let it be until you have another chance to bring it up.

Bit by bit, TFC, he’ll change his mind if everything you do reinforces a growing consensus in his mind. The modified Plan A/180 thing continues.

I’ve been saying this for a few days now, TFC. Baby steps, okay? Baby steps.

Hang in there, lady. You’re in this for the long haul, right?