Wow that's a lot of money!

What do you recommend I do to "stand up and stop taking his crap"? Do I ask him to take some time away from home - and so I can get out of shock? Can we ever heal if we are separate? I'm scared that if we separate until all the truth comes out, that I won't ever be able to be invested. Is this fear normal?

(Sorry for having 1000 questions - I literally just found out some of this about an hour ago!)

No, the polygraph is how you show him you are not taking it any more. If he refuses, divorce him or live a life full of his lies.
I do not recommend your separating unless he refuses to take the test.
Trust me...you will find out a lot more....and then you can work from a place of honesty and knowledge.
Do NOT trust him when he comes clean on a few more things after he agrees to take the test...make him take the test. He is a known liar and should be treated as though he is still lying.

He coughed up more info, then I told him polygraph or get out. He agreed to polygraph - so I'm working on that right now. I am still in shock! He sat down with SAA last night, and finally agreed to do the steps to save our M. I want to, but I must admit to being completely terrified of ever letting my guard down. He seems genuine, but I don't trust anything anymore.

But, TFC, doesn't he always turn compliant and cooperative when his back's against the wall? Were I you, I'd go with this polygraph thing...if nothing else, just to see if he'll do it. I suspect he'll try to weasel out of it at the last minute. On the odd chance he actually does take a polygraph examination, you'll be able to finally get all the truth out of him and then you can make a determination of what you want to do about the situation. With respect, I think that's a decision you need to think long and hard about.

BTW, you've gotten an STD test for yourself, right? If WH has 2 STDs, you may have them also.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

LH

You're right, Longhorn, he always gets compliant with his back against a wall. Just 2 weeks ago I told him he had 24 hours to spill the rest ... and he didn't. Now here we are again - with even more info PLUS 2 STDs! Where does the line get drawn? When do I say "you've had too many chances to tell the truth, just go"?

I did get tested for myself - had one that was (luckily) curable, but not the other. Sex is the LAST thing on my mind anyway!

I love him, but trust is so far away. With Christmas coming up I don't want to spend the money for the polygraph, but I have to know the truth.

He is also supposed to go out of town this weekend, and I am not comfortable with it at all. But we still have to earn our livings.

I understand your hesitancy...but I believe it's time you were given all the pertinent information all at one time. It's long past the time to put an end to all the uncertainties and questions about his conduct. For instance, were I you, I’d wonder just how long these little holidays from his marriage have been going on. Frankly, I have a suspicion it’s been far longer than you think...I suspect he’s been living large as a “player” of sorts...but I admit, I’m finding it very difficult to be objective about your husband. I may well be a long way off the mark here...I hope I am.

Anyway, once you have all the information, I advise you to think long and hard about whether to continue working as hard as you have been on recovery. It’s your decision. I think most of us here on MB would be here to support you in whatever direction you decide you will go.

Another thought: I know you and he had an understanding of how married life would be with his career, etc., before you were married...but I’m not sure you had all the facts you needed to make a legitimate compact. I’d consider readdressing several issues about his constant traveling; how he treats and shows respect for his family; how he communicates with you...and when; who he parties with; etc., etc., etc.

Hang in there, okay?

I am happy to report that we are in a much better place since the last time I posted. Over the last month and a half. H took a polygraph and had told the whole truth. In addition, he picked up HNHN & SAA as well as Not Just Friends. He canceled all of his Dec. out of town trips and we spent the majority of the month working on the M. We did not go back to MC - I had a bad taste about it since he lied throughout therapy with 2 therapists! So we've focused on home, family and the marriage. He is doing a great job of putting us first. I must admit to still having some hesitations, but so far so good.

Excellent news, TFC. Thanks for coming back and letting us know how you are. Best wishes for continued progress.

LH

Thank you LH! I am still having a lot of trouble with TRUST! I know that will take a while to regain, but sometimes I do wonder if I will ever truly trust him again. I suppose that healing from such marital damage as we have caused is a process that will last a lifetime.

I'd say at least a couple of years after the last known incident, TFC, and that's if your hubby is working HARD at rebuilding the trust. You know the relevant sections in SAA...radical honesty, transparency, etc. If he’ll commit to those things, I think there’s a good chance of recovery.

LH