Our nebulous beginnings led to 32 years of detachment which involved multiple moves, horrendous commutes and financial devastation, his job terminations, my massive weight gain (and increased snoring and separate bedrooms for 2 years). We were so detached that H successfully hid a serious health condition (and ER visit) from me and the other time he was hospitalized, I did not even visit, but checked to make sure the life insurance was paid up.
After 31 years and 2 kids, I honestly looked for a reason to just get out and start over. I actually felt relieved on D-Day #1 that I finally had my justification in God’s eyes to leave my husband. But one thing stopped me so I decided to give it one last try, or so I thought. My H suggested MC with a counselor we had seen previously but he then lied during every session so, after 2 more D-Days we quit MC.
I gave up on D-Day #4 and agreed that my WH should leave. I decided to follow through with my thoughts to sell the house and start over with the equity. During the previous 3 D-Days, when he said he should go, I agreed but then changed my mind, telling him I needed to keep him around for SF. But as he got to the door Nov. 10, I was determined to let him go.
Although I did not realize it at the time, his fog began lifting almost instantly and he turned around at the door and begged me for another chance. When I agreed to give him one more strike, he saw me in a different light. Gradually, not only did my husband forsake the OW fantasy (actually became repulsed by the thoughts of her......said she was ugly, boring and a worst liar than him b/c she was/is still in denial and most likely has found another guy to cheat with), he now seems to be indifferent towards her. And that is fine with me BECAUSE......
.......that Mr. LUSTY AFFAIR has morphed into the man of my dreams, MY MR. ROMANCE, who I now have fallen passionately in love with because he appears to be everything I ever wanted in a man, at least it seems so for now……and I know that time will tell...but we’re enjoying the ride together along the way.
Here's what I've noticed:
Mr. LUSTY AFFAIR (Mr. Liar, Mr. Untrusworthy, Mr. Selfishness, Mr. Thoughtless, Mr. Yah, Mr. Abusive, Mr. Fone Fornicator, Mr. Anti-apology, Mr. Insensitive and Mr. Reprehensible) has demonstrated that he is becoming MR. ROMANCE, which often seems too good to be true.
He is REMORSEFUL, RESPECTFUL and REFOCUSED
He is OBEDIENT to the OMNIPOTENT ONE
He is MOTIVATED to MEND our MARRIAGE
He is AFFECTIONATE, APOLOGETIC and ATTENTIVE
He is NICE in a NATURAL, NON-RESISTENT way
He is COOPERATIVE, CONSIDERATE, COMMUNICATIVE & seems COMPLETELY COMMITTED to me
He is EMOTIONALLY ENGAGED and EAGER to ENCOURAGE me EVERY EVENING
(and every day for the rest of our lives)
Time will tell the extent of this transformation and I realize we will have our ups and downs. But my MR. ROMANCE is claiming that he will prove to me (and anyone who wants to challenge the notion) that our HONEYMOON HIGH can be sustained for the rest of our lives. What adventure could be more romantic than that?
************************************** X X X X X **************************************
Since finding MB forums around the holidays I’ve wondered how and why we stayed together in misery for 32+ years. He ‘stuck’ he says, because he loves me. I stayed, I guess because God ‘put us together’, to avoid being alone, for the kids’ sake, because I like SF and because it seemed easier to stay and suffer than to leave. (A little passive/aggressiveness? More about that in Chapter 7.) Plus, suffering in seeming silence was easier than having to expose our failures to everyone. (There are no divorces in my immediate family and only one in his.)
Chapter 6 of MY MR. ROMANCE Saga details what I learned from the MSN article WHY YOU DON’T HAVE TO HAVE SEX TO CHEAT. Although it wasn’t pretty, it revealed to me HOW I was able to endure our volatile, passionless, ‘merely existing as roommates (with SF)’ sham of a marriage for so long.