[color:"purple"]MR. ROMANCE SAGA: How Mr. Lusty Affair morphed into MY MR. ROMANCE [/color]

[color:"blue"] CHAPTERS 1 - 7 [/color] [color:"green"]

INTRO[/color]

After 32 years of a detached marriage, my husband had a 6 month EA involving phone fornication with his fantasy soulmate. He was caught just as they began discussing how/where they would meet after 'getting rid' of her H and me.

As we approach the infamous Devastation-Day anniversaries, I have hope that our marriage will not only survive, but will thrive and hopefully inspire at least one couple to keep striving so that your marriage will not only exist but truly come alive.

The following is embarassingly true. Specific details have been ommitted to possibly conceal our identities as suggested by our marriage counselors who said, "Tell only those who can help end the affair; informing others could impede your recovery for a variety of reasons."

After discovering SAA and HNHN, I told many friends/family members about this web site before I knew about these discussion forums. After nearly 700 posts, I realize I walk a fine line between trying to be discreet and lying by omission about what really happened to change our marriage for the positive.

My sig has the basic outline. These chapters will fill in some of the sordid details. Writing this has been therapeutic for me, but I hope it might also prove inspiring for you.

Thanks for reading and I welcome thoughts, suggestions and criticisms.

Ace

- - - - - - - - - - -

BS me 53
FWH 56
Married 1974

EA 4/06 to 11/06 Same OW online, phone, mail, video including phone and online virtual sexual exchanges

[color:"red"] DD #1 Jun. 30 [/color] DD27 discovered emails, w/DS25 confronted H who confessed EA to me.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] Forgave Jul. 1 [/color] I thought I was being a good Christian by forgiving him immediately. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] DD #2 Jul. 10 [/color] Found new secret emails. I knew nothing about WS fog and withdrawal. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] Began reading "Not 'Just Friends'" Jul. 10[/color] MC suggested it but also said DON'T expose to OPS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] DD #3 Aug. 10 [/color] Found draft/delete acct. H says "we're 'just friends', we quit having phone sex." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] Emailed NC Aug. 10 [/color]H wrote NC letter, we hit 'send' together but OW thought I wrote it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] I befriended OW [/color] Tried to make her promise to say "No" to WH, then tell me if/when he broke NC. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] Tested OW w/fake email [/color] She told me/him "no" but didn't tell me about the fake 'attempt'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] Told WH about fake test [/color]To my dismay, his response surprised and disappointed me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] Stopped contact w/OW Aug. 30[/color] Found out later that BS fog has withdrawal from OP, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] Found SAA and HNHN 10/06[/color] H & I continued reading MB books w/nightly Bible reading/prayer times. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] OW area code on caller ID 10/06[/color] Wondered if OWH knew about A and might be coming after WH. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] DD #4 Nov. 10 [/color]WH lied about online "just checking to see if I can resist OW" activities. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> [color:"red"]
Told WH to leave [/color] Decided to give up, cancel upcoming vacation, sell house and start over @ 53. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] WH picked up his piddly gym bag to leave [/color] Like before, he expected me to change my mind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] WH fog began lifting [/color] I let him go but he turned at the door, begging for strike 5 and our vacation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] 10 Day vacation Nov. 10-20[/color] Together 24/7 w/ no LB's...saw hope that he might be changing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] I re-contacted OW Nov. 30[/color] Wanted her to tell me if WH tried to reconnect. She would not at first. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] WH Handwritten NC Dec. 10 [/color]WH's idea to write it but my idea to include HNHN to help OW. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] Stopped MC Dec. 10 [/color] H said MB books helped us more than MC but I was wary <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] Discovered MB Forums during holidays - [/color] Registered to get MB help rebuilding trust 1/14. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] TJ'd newbie thread 1/20[/color] Discovered need for delayed exposure to OPS for many reasons. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] Emailed MB staff seeking OPS exposure info Jan. 21[/color] Dr. Harley answered, suggested radio show. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] Called MB radio Jan. 31 [/color] Dr./Mrs. Harley said delayed OPS exposure is conditionally optional. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] Exposed Feb. 10 [/color] Called OPS and sent copies of OW's handwritten love notes but OPS did not reply. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] Final contact w/OW Feb. 18 [/color] OW clung to WH via my emails. She denies she lies; not my problem. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] H lied (job) Feb. 20[/color] I sought previous MC we intially avoided due to MC/H's 20+ year friendship. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] Passive/agressiveness[/color] During weekly MC, we learned this partially led to our detached marriage. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] Mar-Apr. 400 mile (4 wk) Separation [/color] MC/MB helped us survive long distance fears, triggers & LB's <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
[color:"red"] My May 18 Milestone [/color] 3 months after my NC with OW, my BS fog <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> has now lifted sufficiently so I can link these 7 chapters together and hope it all inspires someone to keep going for that miracle like we appear to be receiving every moment of every day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Healing & in recovery

"Remember the power of faith far outdistances the temporary pain of fear!" New/Old MC

Synopsis of chapters 1-3

At SaturnRising’s suggestion, I am briefly highlighting chapters 1-5 for those who may not have read the entire saga or the abbreviated version on the Romantic Experiences forum below. (I pulled chapters 2-4 to preserve our identification.) I have emailed the missing chapters to those who have asked but as Saturn indicated, many don’t email due to personal boundaries, which I totally respect. I may reinstate them after we are sufficiently recovered so that it does not matter if friends/family identify us….most likely they will already know.

Chapter 1:

I was an active HS and college student who occasionally dated and had crushes on guys but never had a boyfriend. My self image gradually diminished as ‘friend-boys’ always seemed to view me like a ‘little sister’ instead of girlfriend potential. It seemed like my ‘self-imposed vow of chastity until marriage’ would be easy to uphold.

Chapter 2:

I had only 3 thoughts of what I desired in a boyfriend/husband: 1) Love God and have a desire to help people. 2) Don’t smoke, drink, gamble, cuss or chew (or hang out with those who do) 3) play the guitar or piano and sing to me. (Pretty shallow, but that was it! If I had had the knowledge MB offered, the list would have been much different.) In my sophomore year, a 6'4" campus stud threw me over his shoulder, showing off in front of his jock-friends, but when I pounded on his back and called him the wrong name, he dumped me in the snow bank. The following semester, we had a class together and I discovered he had most of the above attributes.

Chapter 3:

We started walking to lunch together after that class. I enjoyed the attention but many things about him repelled me. But it was nice to start to entertain thoughts of a relationship with a guy who did NOT view me as a ‘little sister’. We began going to an off-campus church together. One day when we went out for a Bible study, he said “God told me to marry you.” Although I did not love him, I reluctantly said “OK” because at age 19 and after what felt like numerous rejections, I was afraid of being left behind alone.

Chapter 4:

Our nebulous beginnings led to 32 years of detachment which involved multiple moves, horrendous commutes and financial devastation, his job terminations, my massive weight gain (and increased snoring and separate bedrooms for 2 years). We were so detached that H successfully hid a serious health condition (and ER visit) from me and the other time he was hospitalized, I did not even visit, but checked to make sure the life insurance was paid up.

After 31 years and 2 kids, I honestly looked for a reason to just get out and start over. I actually felt relieved on D-Day #1 that I finally had my justification in God’s eyes to leave my husband. But one thing stopped me so I decided to give it one last try, or so I thought. My H suggested MC with a counselor we had seen previously but he then lied during every session so, after 2 more D-Days we quit MC.

I gave up on D-Day #4 and agreed that my WH should leave. I decided to follow through with my thoughts to sell the house and start over with the equity. During the previous 3 D-Days, when he said he should go, I agreed but then changed my mind, telling him I needed to keep him around for SF. But as he got to the door Nov. 10, I was determined to let him go.

Although I did not realize it at the time, his fog began lifting almost instantly and he turned around at the door and begged me for another chance. When I agreed to give him one more strike, he saw me in a different light. Gradually, not only did my husband forsake the OW fantasy (actually became repulsed by the thoughts of her......said she was ugly, boring and a worst liar than him b/c she was/is still in denial and most likely has found another guy to cheat with), he now seems to be indifferent towards her. And that is fine with me BECAUSE......

Chapter #5

.......that Mr. LUSTY AFFAIR has morphed into the man of my dreams, MY MR. ROMANCE, who I now have fallen passionately in love with because he appears to be everything I ever wanted in a man, at least it seems so for now……and I know that time will tell...but we’re enjoying the ride together along the way.

Here's what I've noticed:

Mr. LUSTY AFFAIR (Mr. Liar, Mr. Untrusworthy, Mr. Selfishness, Mr. Thoughtless, Mr. Yah, Mr. Abusive, Mr. Fone Fornicator, Mr. Anti-apology, Mr. Insensitive and Mr. Reprehensible) has demonstrated that he is becoming MR. ROMANCE, which often seems too good to be true.

He is [color:"red"] R[/color]EMORSEFUL, RESPECTFUL and REFOCUSED
He is [color:"red"] O[/color]BEDIENT to the OMNIPOTENT ONE
He is [color:"red"] M[/color]OTIVATED to MEND our MARRIAGE
He is [color:"red"] A[/color]FFECTIONATE, APOLOGETIC and ATTENTIVE
He is [color:"red"] N[/color]ICE in a NATURAL, NON-RESISTENT way
He is [color:"red"] C[/color]OOPERATIVE, CONSIDERATE, COMMUNICATIVE & seems COMPLETELY COMMITTED to me
He is [color:"red"] E[/color]MOTIONALLY ENGAGED and EAGER to ENCOURAGE me EVERY EVENING (and every day for the rest of our lives)

Time will tell the extent of this transformation and I realize we will have our ups and downs. But my MR. ROMANCE is claiming that he will prove to me (and anyone who wants to challenge the notion) that our HONEYMOON HIGH can be sustained for the rest of our lives. What adventure could be more romantic than that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

************************************** X X X X X **************************************

Since finding MB forums around the holidays I’ve wondered how and why we stayed together in misery for 32+ years. He ‘stuck’ he says, because he loves me. I stayed, I guess because God ‘put us together’, to avoid being alone, for the kids’ sake, because I like SF and because it seemed easier to stay and suffer than to leave. (A little passive/aggressiveness? More about that in Chapter 7.) Plus, suffering in seeming silence was easier than having to expose our failures to everyone. (There are no divorces in my immediate family and only one in his.)

Chapter 6 of MY MR. ROMANCE Saga details what I learned from the MSN article WHY YOU DON’T HAVE TO HAVE SEX TO CHEAT. Although it wasn’t pretty, it revealed to me HOW I was able to endure our volatile, passionless, ‘merely existing as roommates (with SF)’ sham of a marriage for so long.

Chapter #6: HOW I ENDURED 30+ years of ILYBINILWY 'existence' that led to my H's EA.

NOTE - Repeating paragraph for linking purposes:
Since finding MB forums around the holidays I’ve wondered how and why we stayed together in misery for 32+ years. He ‘stuck’ he says, because he loves me. I stayed, I guess because God ‘put us together’, to avoid being alone, for the kids’ sake, because I like SF and because it seemed easier to stay and suffer than to leave. (A little passive/aggressiveness? More about that in Chapter 7). Plus, suffering in seeming silence was easier than having to expose our failures to everyone. (There are no divorces in my immediate family and only one in his.)

As mentioned, my marriage requirement bar was as low as my self image was when that BMOC hopped over it after dumping me in the snow bank, sitting by me in class and then walking me to lunch. Remember, I only had 3 ideas of qualities I desired in a boyfriend/husband:

#1) LOVE GOD AND WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN PEOPLE’S LIVES. He said he saw a vision of us in sports ministry together which became a reality we’ve continued over the years. We’ve done other youth and church ministries, domestic and international mission trips, and been involved with a home church wherever we moved. (Now we have intensified our seeking to read, study and pray together, every day or night, to become more like Christ and to share His love and our experiences with others.)

#2) NOT SMOKE, DRINK, CUSS, GAMBLE OR CHEW OR HANG WITH THE FOLKS THAT DO. As far as I know, he still abstains from all, not just because I threatened to break our engagement twice, but because he developed new habits that stuck and he doesn’t want any of those vices to be a part of our lives either….which is quite a witness to the coaches, athletes and parents who he is involved with as a player, coach and professional pitching instructor.

#3) PLAY THE GUITAR OR PIANO AND SING TO ME. During our early days, he often brought his guitar over and sang with my dorm mates. In fact, he wrote a song for me and sang it while playing his guitar as I walked up the aisle at our wedding (in a highly unusual place that had such a long aisle that he forgot all 4 verses so he just repeated the 1st one over and over). After one of our many house moves, his guitar got lost so he quit playing and singing and refused to resume even when I found his guitar and had it restrung.

***

As I already mentioned, getting married for fear of being left behind alone is the wrong reason. But like Mark and Lost in Christ pointed out, God still could and did bless our marriage and I give Him all the glory and credit for our survival and transition.

It was and is not easy, nor is it something I would encourage others to attempt. I share this now because of what I’ve learned from a variety of sources, especially MB, which may help others seemingly caught in a trap of what feels like a loveless marriage to find solutions like we have.

SO WHAT DID I DO TO SURVIVE 32 YEARS OF ILYBINILWY ?

The MSN article "You Don't Have to Have Sex to Cheat" illuminated one of the ‘coping tactics’ I utilized to endure all those years. In a nutshell, I engaged in AEA’s to meet my missing emotional needs.

Because I realize it’s rare if it even exists, I conjured up the term AEA which means ‘Almost’ Emotional Affair. As I understand the definitions of EA and PA, an EA is an attachment of emotions which could include virtual (but not physical) sex. A PA includes inappropriate physical touching including intercourse. Bring out the tubes if needed, but here’s how this relates to us:

EMOTIONAL NEEDS MET .....ONE WAY OR THE OTHER

Over the years, through the course of my work day and evenings and week-ends, I experienced more admiration, affection, conversation, family commitment, domestic support, recreational companionship and often even financial support from other sources than from my husband.

I thought Openness and Honesty were important to me but obviously it was low on both our lists. My physical appearance and my health went to heck when my depression justified my gaining 80+ pounds.

But we had great SF, even through my menopausal phase, which is amazing as I look back. I know we are the exception, but it is true that we both enjoyed SF without emotional attachment, even when I was morbidly obese and after menopause. That in itself is a miracle of sorts although some may consider it a curse.

Most of my emotional needs were met by many other men (and women) but my SF needs were met by my husband. Like I’ve said on other threads, I tried for nearly 30 years to seek a solution for the erosion in our relationship through books, tapes, videos, CDs, IC, MC, seminars, workshops, group sessions and church-sponsored get-aways. But I gave up just before our 30th anniversary when we got into a huge fight…..at a marriage conference!

That day, I told my husband that I was through trying to ‘fix us’ and that I would never suggest another marriage solution ever again. Thus, we detached even further and when he became lonely, instead of telling me about his needs, he engaged in a 4-7* month EA (including virtual sex via phone, email, PO mailed items and video) with a woman he met playing online games when he was supposedly looking for work after being fired.

I was busy working 3 jobs, helping care for his frail mother and bringing dinner down to his part-time job site, occasionally interrupting his OW fantasy email/phone sessions. I should have suspected many times, but we seldom talked so we never fought and he seemed to like the isolation he chose. Thus it became easy for him to revel in his fantasy of lying and hiding things just for the adventure of getting away with it.

*(4 months - first emailed NC message OW thought was from me. It was 7 months when WH fog began lifting and we sent OW my husband’s handwritten NC note with a copy of HNHN.)

CATCH AND RELEASE ....NOT JUST A FISHING PHRASE

After being caught 4 times (June to Nov. ’06), my husband chose to change...he released his choice for fog. I agreed to change, too but I realized we both needed outside help. I found SAA, HNHN, LB, and FIL,LIL in the fall but I did not realize MB had these forums until around Christmas.

I lurked for a couple weeks before posting to ask for help rebuilding trust, wondering if it only took time. Most posters said yes, but after just one week on MB, I got tubed regarding my misperception of exposure to OPS, which, I soon discovered, was what I needed to do in order to begin rebuilding trust in my soon-to-be-FORMER-wayward husband.

We exposed, OW lied,
(and the OWH never replied)
but it really makes no difference
because at least I tried!

(You’re right, Maz, I am an unintentional poet!)

RECOVERY AND DISCOVERY ROAD IS ROCKY BUT REWARDING

We are now on the road to recovery AND discovery of an even better relationship, but I’ve often speculated why and how we were/are still together after such extended misery. Now, because of MB, I’m beginning to discover some of the answers.

SO HOW COULD I QUALIFY MY EA AS AN 'ALMOST EA' ?

#1. It was never a secret. I told my H about all my conversations with others regarding our difficult relationship and marriage and he was actually glad I could talk to others so I didn’t have to bug him. Sounds bizarre, I know, but it happened often and helped me endure.

I have an aversion to hiding things that might be detrimental when revealed. As a child, when playing ‘hide and go seek’ or ‘cowboys and Indians,’ I always wanted to get caught first because I couldn’t stand the suspense of hiding. Even today I can’t cheat on our taxes, I’m quick to apologize even if I’m not sure if one is warranted, and I’ll do anything to resolve conflict as soon as possible. (My H was the opposite but we are making great strides using Biblical principles and all the MB policies as we learn to apply them.)

#2. Whenever I began entertaining inappropriate thoughts of other men I had shared emotional challenges with, I would somehow sabotage that relationship. I did, however, encourage some of the professional singers I worked with to leave singing voicemails or sing to me over the phone. But I always told my H and he said he was glad they did it so he wouldn’t have to sing to me.

#3 My SF needs were being met at home, so I never fantasized about sex with any other man. I did wonder what it might be like to be passionately IN LOVE with someone who was also IN LOVE with me. I watched romantic comedies and read Christian romance novels to get my romance fantasy fix in a seemingly harmless way. I helped my friends with their relationships…not that I was any expert….but it gave me significance in trying to make a difference by being a good listener if nothing else.

*****

FOLLOW MB PRINCIPLES AND AVOID THE AGONY OF DECEIT

Like PrincessMeggy, I would never recommend what I did to survive, but it bought time…..30+ years and although it was backwards, often wrong and usually late, it worked to our advantage eventually and now we’re reaping the rewards.

After nearly 34 years together, I am beginning to find out what it feels like to be passionately in love with someone who feels the same about me. While I am not thankful for my husband’s affair, I am grateful for the wake-up call it represented in our lives. And I marvel at what appears to be a miracle in the changes he has and continues to make in becoming the man of my dreams, MY MR. ROMANCE, a person I hate to leave in the morning, and whom I eagerly anticipate seeing in the evenings and on weekends.

He says he will do anything to help me heal and so far he is following through. As we continue to make healthy choices, redirect as needed, and own our stuff (thanks LA), we will not only survive, but we intend to thrive so we can help others become alive in their marriages.

Thank God it is a life-long continuous journey, (staying happily married), and with God’s help, the bumps in the road to recovery will not hinder our determination to succeed, not just for ourselves, but so that we can be a blessing to others along the way.

.................................................................* * * * *............................................................

Chapter 7 SEPARATION

Just as we began our 4th month of trust re-building after D=Day #4, and I was experiencing a new wave of “It happened a year ago” triggers, we were faced with a 4 week separation of 400 miles. After we reached our 6 month milestone past D-Day #4 (May 10, 2007), I posted our survival story as a letter to the other woman.

CHAPTER #7:

(NOTE to clarify: After D-Day #3, my H agreed to tell me when/if he ever received any contact from OW via snailmail, email or voicemail. Then he said he would let me delete or erase it or burn it with him. After his third strike, I wanted to give him ways to prove he was trustworthy and I ignorantly thought that his passing these tests would help me build my trust in him.)

"DEAR OW, I pretended I WAS YOU to test my WH via VOICE mail, E mail and SNAIL mail AND GUESS WHAT???????"

He PASSED 3 out of 4 TESTS. (And the one he ‘failed’ was only because I didn’t set it up right.)

TEST #1: At first I freaked when I got a call at work from a number I did not know with your area code from across the country. It was from a fledgling actor who, after discussing the business at hand, agreed ‘to play a practical joke’ by calling my WH to leave a “just saying ‘Hi’ from a friend” voice mail. I wanted to see if he would tell me about it before erasing it.

TEST #2: I set up a fake email account similar to yours and sent him a “Please pray for me” message to see if he would tell me about it before deleting it.

TEST #3: I put a 2007 pocket calendar in one of your envelopes (w/obscured postmark) from a love letter you sent him (yeah, he gave them all to me). I also included a stamped envelope addressed to my office in case he refused it and tried to return it to you after I dropped it off at his part-time job.

TEST #4: Actually, a family member set up this test inadvertently over a year ago…… before you decided to respond to his “let’s be friends since we can talk so easily we must be soul mates” messages and ended up having multiple phone fornication (and email sex) sessions, and pledging your lives to each other as soon as he left me and you could get rid of your husband who you claim is morbidly obese, has health issues and does not meet your sexual needs.

PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIORS we never realized we had until the week before Test #4

My husband and I are now learning from our new/old MC that our passive/aggressive behaviors played a huge part in the detachment of our 32 year marriage that contributed to his affair with you. And, just like a glutton about to binge one last time before having gastric surgery, I will not hold back if my passive/aggressive voice tells you about the 4th test.

Over a year ago, I agreed to help a family member after surgery 400 miles away. I had no idea it would be scheduled 4 months after the 4th Devastation Day of my husband’s affair with you. You may dispute that date (just like you dispute that it was an “affair” because you did not physically fornicate), but D-Day #3 occurred when you were on vacation 6 months ago.

During the following weeks, I tried to be your friend, just like I did after D-Day #1 when you wanted to apologize to me personally after my husband called to tell you he’d been caught. The day after D-Day #1, you promised to do anything to help us recover our marriage, BUT you willingly answered his secret new email account, betraying me within 24 hours of that pledge. I should have known then what liars you both were, but I tried to exercise good Christian forgiveness and you both rewarded me with 6 more weeks of secret exchanges. (The MC we saw at that time said we should just ‘trust God’ that you would confess to your husband or that he would confront you, and that neither of us should contact you for any reason. That MC knew nothing about withdrawal or WW fog.)

I EVEN TESTED YOU TO TRY TO REBUILD MY TRUST IN MY WH

During late August after D-Day #3, when I was still trying to get you to say you would #1) refuse to reconnect with my H and #2) tell me about it if he tried again, I pretended to be my husband and used one of the secret accounts he set up ----yeah, he gave me all the passwords----to send you a fake email. While I was glad you said “No, do you know how much this would hurt Ace?” you only passed the first part of the test. I waited 3 hours and you never did inform me of that fake message like I had begged you to do after D-Day #1 but I let it go.

I believe I know why you would not promise to tell me if/when my husband tried to reconnect with you. You were probably still holding out hope that he would still follow through with your mutual pledges to look each other up when your husband and I were out of the picture. You thought I was trying to be his mother by spying on his every move and trying to hold him accountable. And before Test #4 as well as today, you still may be secretly hoping I fail.

I GAVE UP FAKE TESTS, REALIZING HOW COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE THEY WERE BY FOCUSING ON YOU, NOT MY HUSBAND

Actually, I "failed" and let go on Nov. 10, D-Day #4, when my husband lied about playing those same online games, trying to see if he could resist you if you were online, too. It was the night before our vacation. I agreed that he should go away....to live in his truck or wherever...but when he turned at the door and begged for another chance, I gave in. We used the next 10 days together 24/7 as a one-last-chance to prove to me that he wanted to change. We actually had the best time in our marriage up to that point and it’s only gotten better since then.

But as we’ve learned from the MB program, (which I told you about when I enclosed a copy of His Needs, Her Needs with my husband’s handwritten NC letter), the fear returns in the form of triggers, painful reminders of your illicit exchanges ‘triggered’ by some associated item or memory.

A 4 WEEK TEST OF A 400 MILE SEPARATION 4 MONTHS AFTER D-DAY #4

I followed through with my pledge to be gone 4 weeks (which ended up being 5 weeks away from my job), trusting that faith in God for our marriage was real or it wasn’t.

Was it difficult? Hardest thing I’ve ever done. The area was so remote that I had no cell phone, no voice mail, one channel TV and very limited on-line access (dial-up when it worked). One of my biggest fears was that if I could not get online, and if you were lurking and noticed that I disappeared from this forum, it might possibly signal that I was gone so that you might try to reconnect with my husband or respond if he secretly tried to contact you.

Was I paranoid? Yup! Did I trigger often? Every time I went into his voice mail, just like he allowed my calls to do when he was on the phone with you and many other times.

Was it worth it? Yes, for the family member and for the growth of my relationship with my husband who drove the 800 miles to visit me every weekend. He also began telling me in advance (on the land line with no voice mail) why/when he would not be available on his cell phone. We continued our nightly reading HNHN, Bible study and prayer times the entire 4 weeks via land line. And we even conducted our weekly marriage counseling sessions via speaker phone.

WE BOTH ARE NOW PASSING OUR TEST OF RECOVERING OUR MARRIAGE

My husband has apparently become indifferent towards you and I am approaching that same status. In fact, he expected me to trigger yesterday (a year after you reconnected after he first tried to break off your affair after 3 weeks according to your emails) but I didn’t remember an unrelated incident until he showed concern.

And he has become my MR. ROMANCE, buying me flowers, setting up dates and spending ALL of his leisure time with me, telling me he’ll do anything to help me heal and following through for the past 6 months.

In closing, there’s a thread on these forums about bashing the OP (other person). My H wanted to bash you when I tried to be your friend. He called you a worse liar than him because you were/are still in denial and he figured you might be already cheating with another guy.

I've learned from these boards that if I wanted to, the best way to bash you might be to focus all energies on our relationship, not you or the triggers you represent. If our marriage recovery (and apparent discovery of an even better relationship) constitutes ‘bashing the OP’, then I am guilty, too. But I’m also thankful that you are now becoming a ‘nothing’ in our lives.

Only God can convict you but you will have to choose to denounce your denial, repent, and get right with your husband, with your family and with God.

Ace

Conclusion (in Progress for the Rest of Our Lives)

Just like losing weight and getting healthy has to be a lifestyle change for the rest of my life, our marriage recovery will be an ongoing process for the rest of our days alive....together.

To chronicle our progress, I've started a *****Trials and Smiles***** thread on the recovery forum.

Other discussion of Chapter 7 reveals more details about our recovery transition.

............................................................* * * * *............................................................

Princess Meggy’s saga about 'Recovery NOT the MB' way was very inspiring, proving that they could succeed without Marriage Builders. Our sitch, however, is different because we found MB in the midst of trying to recover and received the boost we needed to rebuild trust from Dr. and Mrs. Harley and numerous MB posters as well as our new/old MC.

Our prayer is that others seeking solutions before*, during or after an egregious violation and betrayal of infidelity can benefit from our HINDSIGHT........... so that's why we're sharing painful experiences to help you and/or others hopefully avoid the mistakes we made.

*My ultimate prayer is that someone on the verge of an inappropriate relationship will take heed to consequences possibly not considered before it's too late and innocent lives are destroyed forever. Sometimes I wish I had a time machine with a 'do-over' gear so I could have another choice. But since yesterday's choices (or lack of them) are gone, I choose to focus on what I can control for tomorrow.

With God's help, we will not only survive, but thrive. I hope you will, too.

Be Blessed,

Ace

Dang, Ace. Wow. I'm glad writing this has been therapeutic. I'm really, really glad that you are getting along with the spouse now. Keep it up!

You said it Ace! Thank you for sharing your story. Wow, you guys are doing great! I hope your FWH realizes what a gem he has in you.

(((Ace)))

Hello MB "lifesavers",

I actually made it to mid afternoon before realizing that today is the anniversary of D-Day #3.

Fitting day, I think to bump this thread, which has more info, but over 400 fewer views, than its predecessor.

Please see my Trials and Smiles Thread mentioned and linked above on the recovery forum to see how well we're doing.

God is good and our marriage is 1000% better today, a year after D-Day #3, than in all of the previous 32 years.

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. I pray that our year of nightmares will provide inspiration for at least one couple as we overcome all these obstacles.

God Bless You All! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ace <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> and Mr. romAnCE <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Our rollercoaster recovery continues 15 months after D-Day #1. For more details on our progress (sometimes rocky, other times rollin' along), please check out my [b] Smiles and Trials 2 Thread[/b] on the Recovery forum.

Thanks,
Ace

I missed it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Forgot all about it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

YESTERDAY was the 16th month anniversary of D-Day #1 and it didn't even cross my mind one time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I guess that's a good thing and a solid enough reason to bump this thread.

We did have an interesting MC session today outlined in my Smiles and Trials 2 thread linked in the previous post.

Thanks for reading. Comments/questions are welcome.

Saturday, March 8, 2008....I'm bumping this to link it more efficiently to the Prequel. The reminder of where we've been will be easier to delve into if I can see the successes we've accomplished before me simultaneously.

Ace

**************************

Chapter #5

.......that Mr. LUSTY AFFAIR has morphed into the man of my dreams, MY MR. ROMANCE, who I now have fallen passionately in love with because he appears to be everything I ever wanted in a man, at least it seems so for now……and I know that time will tell...but we’re enjoying the ride together along the way.

Here's what I've noticed:

Mr. LUSTY AFFAIR (Mr. Liar, Mr. Untrusworthy, Mr. Selfishness, Mr. Thoughtless, Mr. Yah, Mr. Abusive, Mr. Fone Fornicator, Mr. Anti-apology, Mr. Insensitive and Mr. Reprehensible) has demonstrated that he is becoming MR. ROMANCE, which often seems too good to be true.

He is [color:"red"] R[/color]EMORSEFUL, RESPECTFUL and REFOCUSED
He is [color:"red"] O[/color]BEDIENT to the OMNIPOTENT ONE
He is [color:"red"] M[/color]OTIVATED to MEND our MARRIAGE
He is [color:"red"] A[/color]FFECTIONATE, APOLOGETIC and ATTENTIVE
He is [color:"red"] N[/color]ICE in a NATURAL, NON-RESISTENT way
He is [color:"red"] C[/color]OOPERATIVE, CONSIDERATE, COMMUNICATIVE & seems COMPLETELY COMMITTED to me
He is [color:"red"] E[/color]MOTIONALLY ENGAGED and EAGER to ENCOURAGE me EVERY EVENING (and every day for the rest of our lives)

Time will tell the extent of this transformation and I realize we will have our ups and downs. But my MR. ROMANCE is claiming that he will prove to me (and anyone who wants to challenge the notion) that our HONEYMOON HIGH can be sustained for the rest of our lives. What adventure could be more romantic than that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

************************************** X X X X X **************************************

Originally posted on Oct. 31, 2007 and now quoted over 2 years past D-Day #4 to fix the emoticoms:

How embarassing. I thought the word was "emoticoMs" but it is really "emoticoNs".....oh stupid me.
Too late to edit so this is the only way to fix it.

Ace

Thanks for reading. Comments/questions are welcome.

Thanks, Pep.
I'm actually considering creating a DVD of our story and incorporating MB concepts.
Maybe I'll work on it after I finish the Prequel thread I started over 2 years ago.

Have you made any movies lately?

Nope, but I'm attempting my first mini screenplay by working on my Mr. romAnCE Prequel.