I'm not even sure where to begin with my problem, as I find myself facing several.

FWH had A a couple of years ago while I was pg with DD#2. Ended without much fuss, no contact was ever made again as far as I know (no real emotional connection, more of a fling). We've since been in "recovery" however, getting through the A was the least of our problems. There has been significant verbal and emotional abuse for years that I have dealt with to keep our family together (at all costs, right?). We are currently separated, with the advice of both of our therapists, we were just destroying each other being under the same roof.

In addition to being a BS, I guess, technically I've also been the WW and OW. The OM is someone I work with, and had been mostly an EA, almost since I returned from maternity leave after having DD#2. During this time (past 1.5 years) the OM got married, and separarted from W within just a few months of marriage. When the PA started we were both separated. There was really no sort of revelation to be made as both of our families knew, work knew, (and the BS's knew). So I guess it was an A, however we weren't hiding it, everyone knew we were in a relationship together, and both separated from our spouses.

A little over a month ago we both decided to give our marriages another try, and both agreed NC (although we haven't stuck to it very well, but are trying). I have much more at stake here with 8 years of marriage and 2 DDs (where he has no kids and a couple months of marriage).

My problem is the withdrawl and the fog. I'm having a hard time being accepting of DHs changes (which there have been a few) when I feel like my heart is somewhere else. Like so much damage has been done, even without the OM I'm not going to be able to let DH truely back in to my heart (the abuse took an unbelievable emotional toll). So now I just spend my days barely functioning, missing OM, wondering what he's doing, but sticking to my NC.

Ugh, how on earth did I end up in this mess?? I don't even know WHAT I want at this point, some times I just want to pull the covers over my head never to be seen again (except my girls needs me, so I'm staying strong). DH and I see our counselor again on Wednesday, I think she will agree that we aren't ready to live together again yet, he still has some major anger and abuse issues to overcome, and I'm still afraid to let him in.

Well, if you're still reading, thanks, it feels good to get it all out.


BS, OW, WW (me) 35 FWH 39 2 DDs DHs A ended 9/04 My A ended 8/07 (NC since 9/7/07) Separated, working towards recovery Married 1/2000