ANewName - I don't see us as being weak - rather I see us as being *very* strong.
It's easy to be angry and bitter and difficult - it is a defense against any lingering pain or regret.
Forgiveness and moving forward with a healthy friendship is NOT weak. It takes great strength. My XH has owned his part of the demise of our M and so have I. I chose to separate and file for D - after I invited him to choose our M over things that were going on with him. Even just before the D and afterward I invited him to recommit but he declined.
I'm over that now - I no longer lament for what could have been because the reality is, what I wanted to have been, and what was realistic are two different things.
My parents divorced and to this day, 30 years later, they loathe each other. My father was a WH (more than once - he's married 3 times now). He's estranged from his daughters now and we have little or nothing to do with him - that was *his* choice and after a while my sis and I quit trying to lure him back. His loss. But I digress...
Even as an adult I had to deal with parents hostile to one another. It stinks. It messes with a kid's self-worth - if one parent slams the other all the time, what does that make a kid think of him/herself?
Nope - no matter what I wasn't going to go there and do to my kids what my parents did to my sister and me. I have an awesome Mom but if there was one thing I could change it would be that they could at least put on a happy face for our sake.
I'm not a vindictive or vengeful person. I've seen too much of that sort of thing in my extended family - siblings (aunts and uncles) who don't speak to each other for decades but live a mile apart... life is way too short for that.
Nope - my kids are secure in knowing that both parents love them, and that their parents still love each other - just not in the same way that we did when we were married. You can't just erase history- and like you said, you can't just eliminate feelings for a person you intended to spend your whole life with.
In fact, I'd say that XH and I get along better now than we have in years, because at the end of the day we each go home to our respective domiciles - I don't have to get mad at his carelessness and untidiness, and he doesn't have my irritating habits to b&tch about.
As for my BF - he is an awesome man. I don't see the occasional holiday dinner with XH included as a problem. XH and I don't socialize together - this is just for Christmas. Besides, sooner or later he'll meet somebody else and move on, and then he likely won't need or want to be under my roof for Christmas or any other occasion. But for now, nobody should be alone, and he is welcome here. I'll worry about next year... next year <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />