Pat - take the action then. Put her on the title tomorrow as soon as the court house opens. Give her a signed letter of intent to cover the college tuitions. Remove the barrier that keeps her chained to you against her will - and take the risk that she still may not want to stay.

She's not free to stay until she's free to leave.

Pat - I believe you have a good heart, but you have some serious walls.

It's not the lingering fallout from the affair that is causing you problems. It's the walls - to your heart. Move from the intellectual and take a risk to feel.

There is a book called "Excuse Me, Your Life Is Waiting" by Lynn Grabhorn. There's another one from my adult child of alcoholics therapy days about intimacy by Janet Woititz I would also recommend - but I don't have the copy of the book to get the exact title.

Then get a therapist who can help you take what you learn and internalize it - the biggest danger to a couple is when one learns something new, and uses it to try to change their partner. The next biggest challenge is for the one who doesn't learn, to recognize that their partner HAS changed THEMSELVES and is not trying to change their partner - but their focus on their own personal growth causes the dynamics of the relationship to change, which requires the reluctant party to change or no longer be in the life of their loved one.

Patriot - I get that you love Froz - but the disconnect between her growth and your status quo is causing you great discomfort. You can try to pull her back to who she used to be - but you wouldn't be happy destroying her (which you would have to do if she ever goes back to that dark place), and until you relax into the growth for yourself, you will be forever unhappy and unable to recognize the gift she is to you.

Cafe Plan B link

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.