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teens already know she's had A, btw. I don't know why you assume they don't know...like you, they don't know if she's continuing it, saving money to leave them, going to the other guy or finding a new guy. They just know something really big has happened...their mother was in trouble with her work, you're hurting a whole lot...and maybe they did something to drive her away from the family. Children have emotional sonar with their parents. They know in detail what your frustration, helplessness, hurt, fears and joy look like. They've studied you...for you were the first to name these things, demonstrate and example them so they knew them in themselves.
I never thought of this, I still see both of them as my little babies. My heart is breaking right now. My wife and I will sit them down sometime and speak with them. The kids are one of the few things that we have a POJA on.
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Are you saying that you are at times wishful of not being married, hence the statement? That would make a world of sense, wouldn't it? Reasonable even. "I wish this wasn't real." That's good to know...no shame in that...it's a comforting fantasy kicking your heart. Take its shoes off. Foolish? What is foolish to you? And are you saying from that thinking comes those emotions--self-pity, anger...or that they cause you to think those things?
No LA, I've never wished I wasn't married. I was just commenting on why I make those childish remarks. Saying that this isn't a marriage is just a selfish justification to think bad things. i never feel foolish for having the feelings, they are real. What's foolish is reacting to them because of what is not real. It's ok to feel sad, hurt, regret. But I need to use them as you said, to find the cause and act on that.
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When you're in Recovery, building a new, thriving marriage, her feelings of love and being loved will matter. They are half your marriage. And your partner matters. Won't affect for a second your choice to love her not. Will definitely affect your love bank. Two separate things. It's like you're getting practice hearing and knowing her stuff as hers...fantasy or reality based doesn't matter...it's her stuff. In Recovery, that respect continues...only with recommitment, you get to dialogue and POJA. Right now, big acceptance that her feelings really are coming from her, about her, from her own thinking.
True, but we are NOT in recovery yet. I'm just showing her my stuff. Letting her see my commitment, that I am not acting on reward. If we were in recovery, she would care about the effect her actions have on me. I just DJ'd didn't I? Actually, she does care about the effects she has on me. She has told me that she's afraid that any physical contact on her part may be miscontrued by me as a signal of recovery, that everything is now ok and she says she doesn't want to give me false security. I respect that. I WILL take her actions at face value. She has been a little more affectionate the last 2 days, why? Does it matter? She has hugged me and last night she came downstairs and slept with me, she was gone when I woke but she let me put my arm around her and lay next to her. I felt so good this morning. Why better today than any other day? Our sitch is the same from my POV. These are all questions I need to answer.
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Those feelings drop off, love bank falls...look first to what you're doing, if you're robbing yourself, stopped acting from love and began acting to GET love (which tells self you aren't loved, doesn't it?)...great reality check.
Wow, like a slap in the face. This is what happened to me! I kept acting to get love and not from love. My self esteem plummeted, I became bitter because I felt I wasn't loved, but I wasn't loving myself either. I became jealous, couldn't understand how she couldn't love me better. I was disrespecting myself by feeling that only her love could make me worthy of love....wow. She loved me then as she loves me now. I pushed her away from me with my disrespect not only for her but for myself. I believe this is where she says that I have "lost" myself and that I don't know who I am anymore. Says that my confidence is one of the things that attracted her to me in the first place. I have alot of work to do. I have backed myself into a dark corner on my own.

I believe I have deciphered the underlying theme of many of your posts LA. I've read them over and over and it's always been just at my finger tips, but the cryptic and stylish way you present things baited my mind not to jump to conclusions.

No one person anywhere is strong enough to control my thoughts, emotions, feelings, beliefs or anything else that is mine. Some can affect (I choose who), but none can control.

My actions are mine. I choose what I do, what I accept. Alot of old filth and grime to dig through though. Habitual use of those fanged tools is hard to break, awareness was my first step. I took that first step when I first read the MB principles. Many things are lumped together right now for me. Slowly they are being grouped into manageable sections with your help and others here.
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How was it for you when your thoughts dwelled outside your marriage? And then when they dwelled on your guilt, or when they do on your shame right now? Where your thoughts dwell, there is your treasure...tells your brain where you want to dwell, your highest priority. It's how we really can put resentment, entitlement, anger, anything ahead of our marriage...look out for those snakes in your grass. They've been there all along...time to tame them...say, "I know you're a part of me. I'm just not going to use you to bite others or myself anymore, 'k?"
Gosh it seems so simple. Recognize the bad thoughts as a signal to defend myself from their destructive ways. Do I have that right? Know that they're there but don't allow them to affect my actions? Sounds like a good exercise for me, more work, less thinking.

Thanks again LA


FWH/BS (me)42, FBS/WW 39, married 18 yrs, WW A discovered 3/03/2008, my A discovered 06/2003