So, I got this book "Facing love addiction", LA suggested it to me. I'm about 3/4 through it and much of it is very interesting. There is alot that rings true for me, things that I already knew. It helps sometimes to actually read what you feel, kind of solidifies things you maybe thought were true but were unsure of because of the turmoil you've been going through since all this stuff began. I always treat my books as sort of research projects, I read and highlight and go back to reread the things that are important to me.
Anyway, little things happen along the path that open your eyes. Imagine that you're holding a flashlight in a dark room and the end is flat on the ground. There is very little light escaping the sides. As you progress, you begin to pull the light further and further away from the ground and the circle of light becomes bigger and bigger. As this light circle becomes bigger, you begin to see more and more as things come into your view, sometimes the things are good sometimes they are bad. Either way, you see things you didn't see before. Which brings me to my next point.
After reading through this book, some thoughts entered my mind that haven't been there since the beginning of this freakin nightmare. Slowly but surely I'm getting better, in my head and in my body. For the first time, i thought to myself, "what happens when I finally get my shite together and I figure out that I don't want to stay with her, that I don't want to forgive her". It kind of shocked me. I don't know if its just a feeling of revenge, or a defense mechanism, or it's a voice of reason finally speaking to me. I don't know. I already have enough on my mind, I really don't need anything else, but it was a little refreshing to tell you the truth. I guess it was a change from the usual depressing thoughts. I'm wondering if this is just a natural progression of feelings when someone goes through this situation? Don't get me wrong, I haven't changed my mind, I still want this to work out as bad as ever.
I am thinking about the actual A more than I ever have though. Not the physical aspect, but the emotional part of all of it. She stole something from us, something we can't get back. There will always be someone else out there that has part of something that was supposed to belong only to us. I'm not so sure I'll be ok with that. The way things are going, I'm not sure that her actions are going to help me be ok with that. I'm the only one that can say whether or not I'll get over it, but without her help, it will be impossible for me. The resentment I feel will be too much if she is unwilling to help. It may sound like I'm placing my burden on her but I'm not. I'm just being honest by saying that the resentment that is building up because of her lack of concern for my welfare will be stronger than my ability to get over this A. I can only do so much on my own and I have exceeded my own expectations really, I never would've thought I'd last this long. I'm not even close to giving up yet.
At the moment, I'm trying to detach myself from the relationship. In a healthy way. Just a way of stepping back and becoming an observer rather than an active part of the drama. It's helping me detach from the expectations and pain associated with all of that. It seems that the underlying theme for all of these "self help" books whether it's marriage, or addiction or self esteem, is that you have to see things from a healthy personal point of view before you can make any kind of decision or progress on anything. I'm starting to get there, things are falling into place I think, I'm not sure I like what I see but at least I'm getting somewhere. It kind of scares me, because all this time I've been screaming about how we can fix this and start over and save our marriage and become closer and all of that stuff, now the opposite thought is starting to creep in. "What if I finally get my head straight and figure out that she isn't what I want, that she won't make the grade, that I've been seeing something that really wasn't there?" Especially after reading about love addicts, I was never one before but I sure have turned myself into one with her.
It's right and proper that you feel as sad as you do, but it's also right and proper that you accept what's happened (not accepting isn't going to make it go away, it'll just sap your energy) and learn what lessons you need to in order to prevent it from happening again.
Snuggle, good to hear from you. I'm pretty sure I've accepted what's happened, I think that the acceptance is the source of my crying now. I still cry, most everyday I think. Just from the sense of sadness and loss of what we had. Nothing in particular. And I don't mind it really, helps me let things out.
Wife is doing well I think. I try not to decipher things with her, just observe. She is very nice to me most of the time. She is kind of rude sometimes but I think it's part of who she is now. I notice a fakeness in her I've only seen a couple of times before. Acting one way in public or with others and then being different when around me and the kids. Like I said, just observations. We get along good, still do things together with and without the kids. Still planning the move together, should find out where we might go on the 22nd. Still sleepig downstairs, I have no desire to go back upstairs although my back has been paying the price. It hasn't felt like this in months but it's tolerable. I'm not sure what would have to change for me to get back into our bed, I just know that the time for that isn't near. I sure would like to have some sex though, she's till sexy as heck. But I'm not sure I could deal with it really. I like to think I can separate sex from emotion but not this time, not that she's asked anyway, just talking. Anyway, 22 days until Hawaii, I can't wait.
Hope everyone is well, ciao....