Hi Shocked1...that could have been my username 9yrs ago. I am new here and not in the best emotional place as it pertains to marriage so I won't even touch that subject. But as it relate to your COM I completely remember how you feel even though I don't share those feelings today.

It is natural to be angry, and resentful of OC's existences. I understand the shame and humiliation of others knowing this secret especially if you have decided to stay. I think as I grew in my situation I had to accept a few fact in order to keep from dying a slow painful death:

#1 No matter how hard I wished, prayed, bargained, blamed or denied...I couldn't undo what had been done to my life.

#2 I did not have to accept the child or the infertility but I did have to accept that it happened.

#3 That if I covered up what had happened and force my selfish(not meant as negative -just that it was about me) needs on WH & COM I have become part of their world.

When I made the decision to work on my marriage I had to began with forgiving WH and committing to finding the respect, trust and love again. I knew that I could not brow beat him with his indiscretions nor could I punish him by denying him the fundamental of his manhood. I felt that if I had any hope of have a marriage that I and my children could respect I had to accept with my husband the responsibility of the new unchangeable situation in our family.

Then when I thought of our children and I look at there innocence and there complete devotion for the man they call father it seal the deal. You didn't say how old your children are but mine were 9 & 2.

The pain of this was so overwhelming I could not fathom transferring this to my innocent children. I could not allow my children to feel what I felt and I knew that at that age they would follow my lead. Apart of accepting OC and making it a non-issue in my home was to never make my COM hurt for this.

I believe just as the piss poor choice that my H and OW made in bringing OC here will be the cause of immense pain for him one day. It would also be the choice that H and I made going forward that would dictate how or if my COM was affected in a negative way by this.

My DD & OC are closer that she and her older brother(COM). My COM has never lost a moment of their relationship with their father nor have they ever shown anything less that respect for this man and they know the whole story and have from the beginning.

This is MY story and I hope it has give you some insight. I know that you may not be on the market for this option but I just wanted to share with you.

Please be kind to yourself. This is not your fault! This is just a moment in your life.