Last month Mrs. Hold applied to join a local version of a weight loss competition modeled on the tv show The Biggest Loser. She was not selected, but they offered for her to join the "shadow" team which meets once a week rather than 3 times a week. When she went to sign up for the shadow team, they announced that one participant had dropped out and she could be on one of the "real" teams. So she signed up. For 8 weeks she will be competing to see which team can lose the most weight. After 11 years of weight gain and no exercise, I am proud that she has chosen to take this step to try to become more fit.

Wow, Hold, just wow. I knew that your changes were contagious!

Good for you Hold for leading the way to a life you want. As long as you're leading because you want it for yourself; and not in hopes she will follow.

That's awesome! I agree, she wouldn't have done this without all the work YOU have been doing. Way to go!

That's really good news! My wife and I are fans of The Biggest Loser tv show, and to do a local version of it takes making a commitment. This is a big step for her.

One thing we like about the TV show is watching people reclaim their lives after years of unhappiness and passivity. I think this is big step for your wife in reclaiming her life and happiness, and even if she doesn't fully realize it yet. She is actually doing something now and not wallowing in passivity as she has been!

I agree with the others that she was most likely inspired by you and your efforts to do this.

I hope it works out really well for her... and by extension for your marriage!

JM:

No worries there. Mrs. Hold's complaints lately are along the lines that I ignore her, spend no time with her, etc. So these days I am not doing anything in the hope "she will follow".

We no longer fight about sex, as I have given up on initiating.

If I had to guess, I think she applied for the contest to get herself into shape for her next relationship. I am happy to accept the "benefits" in the interim.

She complained when she heard me saying "I love you" to my father on New Year's Day. She complained that I never say it to her anymore. I told her I stopped because I felt disrespected whenever I said it. She always reacted in a way that indicated she felt it was immature to be overly romantic. She then mocked the tone of voice I used when I said I love you to my Dad. I replied "see, you mock me for being vulnerable, so I stopped being vulnerable around you".

She said it had been 10 years since I was romantic toward her. I asked her "what about the time I made you the book of shared memories for Valentine's Day? Or the time I wrote I love you in lipstick on the bathroom mirror for our anniversary? Or the time I made you rose petal ice cream from scratch? All of those happened here in CT, which means that happened within the past 7 years. And in none of those cases did you give me any indication that you appreciated the romantic gestures, so I eventually stopped making the effort." That quieted her down.

And yes, at this point I would rather be right than be intimate.

The other thing we fought about lately was vacations. She kept pestering me to sign up for a vacation with the kids in April. Every day she looked up cruises and dude ranches and bugged me to sign up for one. Despite that they each cost thousands of dollars we don't have. I kept telling her that we have outstanding credit card debt and I don't feel comfortable incurring a big expense. Especially since it is S11's Bat Mitzvah next fall, so we will rack up more debt for that. Mrs. Hold was very disappointed. I suggested that if she wants vacations, she needs to pay for them herself. Or help me pay down our debts. She went ballistic. I told her she doesn't have to get a job but I am tired of being treated as a failure because I can't pay for fancy vacations.

Last weekend we went to Home Depot to get some hardware to install a shelf in S14's room. She walked up to the kitchen remodelling department and said "look, new cabinets are only $75 per month, we can afford that". I replied "that is just cabinets. Would you be happy if we only did that, or would you insist we also get new countertops and appliances?" She said of course if we get new cabinets we need to get new everything, which she estimates would cost $250 per month. I told her I can't afford any of it, and certainly not all of it. Needless to say, she was in a pissy mood the rest of the day. Needless to say, I spent much of the day playing PS3 and ignoring her.

Hey, hold, first of all, congrats to your wife for making a change. Whether or not she has an agenda behind it, it's a change for the better in terms of her health and well-being, and hopefully that will have a halo effect for your marriage.

I don't have a whole lot of weight to lose, but I'm not getting any younger and things are shifting around. LOL Plus, all the financial and relationship stress is taking its toll. So I've also embarked on a rigorous weight management and fitness program. I've been active my whole life and in fact, have some fitness training certification, so I can handle this on my own. But I tell you this because, although I am at the end of my rope re: my marriage, I am not doing this in preparation for my next relationship. I *am* doing it so that I can feel better about myself---and hopefully that will serve me well if things do complletely fall apart this year for us. Perhaps your wife has some of the same motivations. But as I said, the halo effect could be good for both of you.

Happy New Year!

I can tell that you're making progress for yourself.

I can also detect a lot of the resentment being release. Keep them pouring out because they are toxic if you keep them within.

I also see her complaints and constant testing of the boundaries you're enforcing for yourself. I've read the same patterns: vacations, home remodels, and more spending in general.

JM, I hope this is progress. I am certainly holding to my boundaries. She asked me to just tell her if we are not going on a vacation in April, so I told her "we are not going on a vacation in April. I wish I could afford to go. But I can't."

Most of the time I am pleasant and supportive toward Mrs. Hold. I congratulated her about making the team. I bragged to my secretary about her. I then told Mrs. Hold what my secretary said as a way of reflecting. I compliment Mrs. Hold in front of the kids. She is on the parent's board of S11's swim team and I always compliment Mrs. Hold on the work she does there.

Still, the kids see the truth. S14's suitcase did not arrive when the kids flew back from Florida last weekend (it came on the next flight). Before we were told the bag was on its way, I joked that this was a horrible fate since he would have to allow his mother to take him shopping for new clothes (he hates shopping). He replied "why don't you just drop me off at the mall with your credit card, you can probably trust me with the card at the mall more than you can trust Mom".

And when I told D11 how proud I was that Mom made the weight loss team, and that Mom was beautiful in her current perfectly proportioned shape today but would be healthier if she lost some weight, D11 looked at me like I was crazy. She said "yes she is beautiful, but Mom would look even better if she lost weight." Mrs. Hold said "beauty is on the inside". D11 looked at her like she was crazy and said "yes, that is where it starts, but it has to get through more or less layers to get out!"

It doesn't matter why Mrs. Hold decided to do this. It only matters that she did. Let's all hope she follows through. The kids and I have offered to be as supportive as we can be. We agreed to rid the home of all unhealthy foods. We agreed to operate independently in the morning and not rely on her to help us get ready for school when she has fitness classes. And we agreed to accompany her to the gym if she wants company.

I am truly pleased and proud she made this decision. I did not hesitate to give her the money to join. And I hope it works out well for her no matter how it works out for us as a couple.

"She then mocked the tone of voice I used when I said I love you to my Dad."


This says it all. Unbelievable. What an immature, selfish woman to react this way when you are voicing reverence for your father. YOUR FATHER! I am speechless, really.

Let her put her fat a$$ on the line in that program. I hope she finds some self worth. She is a truly loathesome woman.

I am truly glad you see her for what she is.

Also, your kids are awesome!

Well, I would not agree she is loathesome. She is not. She is just hurting and lashed out from her pain. But I will say it pushed a hot button for me when she chose him as the target of her jealousy.

My father had throat cancer late last year. He spent 2 weeks in the hospital and another 2 weeks in a hotel nearby recovering. He is only now getting his voice back. I spent the entire Thanksgiving weekend with him and my Mom at the hospital. Seeing him lying there waiting for the operation was torture. He is 79 and just got over cancer. We don't know how much longer he will be with us. So I want him to hear from me how much I love him while I do have him around. For her to see that as a weakness in me is unfortunate.

But my gosh, your father has been through hell with his cancer, and then she mocks you for telling your frail, old, father--a man who deserves all love and respect--that you love him?

She has an incredibly rough personality.

I would describe her as being extremely insecure.

The important thing is that she has decided to take this step. I hope it proves beneficial to Mrs. Hold and a good model to D11.

As for how she treats me, well, I don't think it is surprising she wishes I would treat her as I treated her before and as I still treat others. Not realistic, but not surprising either.

Hold, in my opinion, it seems that Mrs. Hold is very reluctant to take charge of her own life... she seems to be very passive and let events overtake her.

For example, she wants you to cherish her as you used to, but she is unwilling to do anything to make you want to do so. I'm sure her weight has been bothering her, but she has thus far been unwilling to curb her eating habits and engage in any regular exercise to do anything about it. That's why this is such a big step for her, and I hope, too, that she is successful in this arena, because that success would motivate her to make changes in other areas of her life... it has the potential to both motivate her and to give her some confidence in her own ability to do anything.

If indeed she does succeed at this, I think it will have a beneficial effect on your marriage... but first things first, eh? Support her in this effort, here and now, let everything else sort itself out in due time, and you'll see what happens. That seems to me to be the approach you're taking, and I think it's the wise approach to this.

Anyway, good for her, and regardless of everything else between the two of you, I think you're right to be proud of her.

Hold,

This is awesome..just be prepared for any built up resentments she might have come out during this time..especially if you begin to show her some form of affection again.

Should Mrs. Hold become hot again, this will up her power standing in the relationship. Also, she will receive a large amount of support and attention from this program. Things could get difficult for you, Hold, if her ego kicks in from it all.

I'm glad she is attempting to lose weight, and you love her enough to which a svelte Mrs. Hold would delight you. A small suggestion would be to not give up the huge amount of progress and self-worth you gained in this fight.

Why should HOTI's self-worth be tied in any way shape or form to what Mrs. HOTI does? I understand the warning you're giving him Easy. My question is more of a rhetorical one for HOTI.

I do not see how her losing weight harms me or affects my self-worth. I would feel better about myself is my wife were thinner.

It will not give her more power over my behavior. If she thinks she can hold her newfound attractiveness over my head as negotiating leverage, she will be disappointed. What is she going to say "if you don't take me on a vacation, I will go back to being fat"? Then she can go ahead and eat all the Oreos she wants. I have lived with an overweight wife for 12 years. I can live with one for another 6.

If she wants to date other guys, or leave me for another guy, that is her business. I am not going to make concessions to keep her around. To the extent that her losing weight gives her more options, good for her. Let her explain to the kids that we are getting divorced because she wants to be with someone else. In a wierd way, I view that as a desirable outcome. Maybe that would be the kick in the pants I need to get my life in gear.