Originally Posted by holdingontoit
Hey Hitch, thanks for stopping by. Hope your life is going well.

HOLD, thanks for responding. Life is currently going as well as can be expected given the current economic climate. I am simply hoping to stay gainfully employed at this point. Relationally, W and I are on somewhat of a high right now and are really connecting and avoiding LB's consistently. I've also finally had some real victory over my narcissism and have become much more of a servant to her by spending a lot of my waking moments studying my W at every opportunity in an effort to love her in ways that are truly meaningful to her. Don't get me wrong it's oftentimes two steps forward one step back, but overall, I feel like we're in a good place right now and heading in the right direction consistently, PTL.

I am all in favor of Mrs. Hold losing weight. I have been as supportive as I know how to be. Mostly I like that it sets a good example for D12 (who lost 6 pounds over the past 4 months despite hitting puberty - so the hoped for resculpting of her body by hormones is occurring). Also, it is healthier for Mrs. Hold. Which I see as a good thing. After all, she is the mother of my children and I know they want her in their life as long as possible. Those are what I see as the "good" reasons I support her weight loss.

They are good reasons. Glad to hear about D12's success and progress as well. Small victories are worth celebrating! smile I'm actually in the exact opposite situation personally. D14 has recently been diagnosed with ED-NOS or Eating Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified. Closest to anorectic symptom-wise. This was a huge wake up call for us back in December and we are now in a mix of individual, family, and nutritional counseling due to this latest development. The good news is D14 is aware of her need to get better, but it's obviously still quite a large struggle for her, and therefore affects the entire family from many different aspects.

The "less good" reasons are that I expect to feel less embarrassed to be seen out with her if she loses significant amounts of weight. And if she loses significant amounts of weight then she is more likely to find someone else. Which I view as good for both of us. Which, given how much I have read here over the years about the pain of infidelity, shows you how much of a whack job I am.

HOLD, I don't see these as less good reasons. I don't see your EN for physical attraction as invalid in any way, shape, or form. I hear you on the concerns surrounding infidelity, but whatever her motivation, the result seems encouraging to say the least.

You are correct that I used to view weight loss as something she could do to help improve our marriage. Now I am not looking to go through conflict to return to intimacy with her. When I am ready to differentiate I won't be changing in ways that bring us closer together. She may find me more desirable and try to chase me. But I will be running away.

I know you feel that way now and you may very well be correct in your assertion that your feelings toward her will not change no matter what kind of success Mrs HOLD experiences. One of the realities that I've come to accept in relationships is that no matter how much one spouse improves, if the other spouse refuses to participate meaningfully, it is difficult for the intimate relationship to improve meaningfully. Yes, the hope is that the one spouse making improvements and changes by definition changes the dynamics of the intimate relationship, but the underlying assumption the the changes to the relationship dynamics are always going to be positive is what I no longer agree with. Positive change individually indeed can lead to negative change relationally. As you alluded to, if you better differentiate yourself, this may eventually mean that you actively choose to no longer be married to Mrs HOLD, not because of your ill will towards Mrs HOLD, but because you come to the realization that you can no longer violate your own integrity as an individual by staying in the marriage due to emotional fusion between the two of you. This is a perfect example of positive individual change leading to negative change relationally. Sure, it's entirely possible that better differentiating yourself could lead to Mrs HOLD responding in a similar fashion. At the very least, if this actually does occur and some type of positive relational change results, then perhaps at some point you may challenge your own assumptions with respect to the marriage. I'd submit that you'll have to cross that bridge if and when you come to it. smile

God Bless,


All I want to do is learn to think like God thinks. , I want to know Gods thoughts; all the rest are just details. , When the solution is simple, God is answering. - Albert Einstein

INTJ married to an ENFJ