Before I go on with my problem...May I please quickly say:
This forum has restored some of my hope in society...Each and every person that responds to each and every post...I am so humbled and appreciative that people are out here to help one another. For the people whom I've read and given advice to original posters; you people are saints.
Okay, now on to me...
I am a 23 year old male, engaged to a beautiful, patient and loving woman. I just graduated college with two bachelor a week ago and I hold a good steady job, better than most of my peers.
I am getting married to Bethany next month, May 9th...But I have been feeling this way (I can admit it is much stronger now) since July/August (asked her in May08).
--My Problem is--
That I don't know what my problem is. But I am very depressed.
For the past eight months I have been destroying the relationship I am in. I don't make attempts to go see her, and only accept time with her when she is willing to come to my house. She lives with religious parents and I am not, so it is heavily frowned upon for her to stay the evening.
I am often cold and depressed in conversation with her; I barely look at her anymore...I've almost stopped telling her I love her on the phone...When I tell my mom I love her, the words roll of my tongue...It takes effort to tell Beth I love her.
She is(was!) my third girl friend ever...pre-dated by a girl who 'cheated (cyber-sex...)' on me and the first was just a stupid fling I lost my virginity on. Both girls were vile in comparison...But my entire life I have feared women and never have held a high self esteem. I never had a G/F in highschool and was more stuck in books and games.
Often I find myself hating her...Just hearing her voice makes me angry, sometimes.
I am somewhat at a loss of words...I don't want to write too huge of a wall of text for readers.
Canceling the wedding doesn't seem like an option, I don't want to cancel the wedding...I am pretty sure I love Bethany. I am seeing a Therapist about her and other stresses. He continually tells me that I have not provided solid proof of anything Bethany does that makes her a bad person. Which is true; because she doesn't do anything to me too evil.
But why can't I get over this depression? I've never been this sad; and I often cry (once a week at least) wondering "What the hell am I doing marrying this girl". I understand that is the 'normal' question guys ask themselves...But Beth and I have both concluded this is MORE than cold feet.
I am honest with her about everything...I ask her why she is marrying me...Why is she marrying someone who has so much doubt. We no longer have a solid relationship...my open-ness with her has created doubt in her now too...Which makes me feel like such crap.
Anyway...I promise to respond and read whatever people write. I am sorry if reading this was a waste of your time. I just really need help...I want to stop feeling this way, but I don't want my relationship to end...I want to be happy.
I barely ever see her...Once or twice a week maybe...
I think it is partly because I have a hard time letting go of annoyances...But I also feel like she doesn't care about my needs and I also feel like she trivializes my feelings.
Sexual Fulfillment is my top emotional need...And (as a single example) when she always suggests I come to her house; it throws me into huge anger/depression...Cause I know we can't have sex at her place.
Is there any words of wisdom anyone can afford?
More so, please ask me probing questions to dig deeper inside of me...because when beth and I or Dr. And I talk...We always get to a point where I honestly cannot answer the question of; 'What is wrong?'
I can go on and on about everything...But it never does any good...It feels like in the end I just have to let go of my worries and cares; but the type of person I am...I cannot...
The only reason why I am still getting married is I am rationalizing that life is not over post-marriage and I can always just 'get a divorce'. Such sick thoughts...And I even realize it.