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#2245159 04/13/09 12:06 PM
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Before I go on with my problem...May I please quickly say:

This forum has restored some of my hope in society...Each and every person that responds to each and every post...I am so humbled and appreciative that people are out here to help one another. For the people whom I've read and given advice to original posters; you people are saints.

Okay, now on to me...

I am a 23 year old male, engaged to a beautiful, patient and loving woman. I just graduated college with two bachelor a week ago and I hold a good steady job, better than most of my peers.

I am getting married to Bethany next month, May 9th...But I have been feeling this way (I can admit it is much stronger now) since July/August (asked her in May08).

--My Problem is--

That I don't know what my problem is. But I am very depressed.

For the past eight months I have been destroying the relationship I am in. I don't make attempts to go see her, and only accept time with her when she is willing to come to my house. She lives with religious parents and I am not, so it is heavily frowned upon for her to stay the evening.

I am often cold and depressed in conversation with her; I barely look at her anymore...I've almost stopped telling her I love her on the phone...When I tell my mom I love her, the words roll of my tongue...It takes effort to tell Beth I love her.

She is(was!) my third girl friend ever...pre-dated by a girl who 'cheated (cyber-sex...)' on me and the first was just a stupid fling I lost my virginity on. Both girls were vile in comparison...But my entire life I have feared women and never have held a high self esteem. I never had a G/F in highschool and was more stuck in books and games.

Often I find myself hating her...Just hearing her voice makes me angry, sometimes.

I am somewhat at a loss of words...I don't want to write too huge of a wall of text for readers.

Canceling the wedding doesn't seem like an option, I don't want to cancel the wedding...I am pretty sure I love Bethany. I am seeing a Therapist about her and other stresses. He continually tells me that I have not provided solid proof of anything Bethany does that makes her a bad person. Which is true; because she doesn't do anything to me too evil.

But why can't I get over this depression? I've never been this sad; and I often cry (once a week at least) wondering "What the hell am I doing marrying this girl". I understand that is the 'normal' question guys ask themselves...But Beth and I have both concluded this is MORE than cold feet.

I am honest with her about everything...I ask her why she is marrying me...Why is she marrying someone who has so much doubt. We no longer have a solid relationship...my open-ness with her has created doubt in her now too...Which makes me feel like such crap.

Anyway...I promise to respond and read whatever people write. I am sorry if reading this was a waste of your time. I just really need help...I want to stop feeling this way, but I don't want my relationship to end...I want to be happy.

I barely ever see her...Once or twice a week maybe...

I think it is partly because I have a hard time letting go of annoyances...But I also feel like she doesn't care about my needs and I also feel like she trivializes my feelings.

Sexual Fulfillment is my top emotional need...And (as a single example) when she always suggests I come to her house; it throws me into huge anger/depression...Cause I know we can't have sex at her place.

Is there any words of wisdom anyone can afford?

More so, please ask me probing questions to dig deeper inside of me...because when beth and I or Dr. And I talk...We always get to a point where I honestly cannot answer the question of; 'What is wrong?'

I can go on and on about everything...But it never does any good...It feels like in the end I just have to let go of my worries and cares; but the type of person I am...I cannot...

The only reason why I am still getting married is I am rationalizing that life is not over post-marriage and I can always just 'get a divorce'. Such sick thoughts...And I even realize it. frown

Last edited by eric292; 04/13/09 12:15 PM.
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Thank you for posting, Eric, and welcome to MB.

Ask yourself...

can you act from love even when you don't feel it?

If you don't believe Love is a choice you make...and keep making...acting from it...whether you feel it or not...then don't get married.

It's not Bethany...it's you. It's not her beliefs...it's yours.

Ask yourself deeper questions...because you're onto your feelings giving you information...get the signals. They are coming from your own beliefs...figure those out.

Does Bethany have different spiritual beliefs than you do? Or does she share most of yours?

Know your worries...know your cares...know where they come from inside you.

Check your radical honesty meter...you blame the honesty for making your relationship no longer "solid" instead of you refusing to own your own feelings.

Only you can know and trace them...get the info. She can't. And she wants to marry you anyway...even though she fears...she's in it with you...can work on it together.

Can you?

Seems to me often throughout your education, you did the work even when you didn't feel like it...you didn't rely on feeling inspired to make you...

apply what you know...you crave security, knowing what humans can't know (the future), you want a sure thing...

and the answer you're looking for...is being one.

LA

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LA,

Thank you for the poetic response! Reading your words brings tears to my eyes.

I trace my emotions back to as far as my mental conscious can reach. I never make it to a solid answer.

"If you don't believe Love is a choice you make...and keep making...acting from it...whether you feel it or not...then don't get married."

I had to read this sentence, three times and repeat it to myself with my eyes closed to truly understand the concept.

I am the type of person who doesn't invest time and money into something that doesn't provide a return...This I think is my primary character flaw. My fiancee knows this. I think I only feel loved and act upon the love when I feel the relationship is on even ground...But I've been told that in marriage, it is like BOTH sides have to give 90% (not 50%)...

--LA, i really think reading your words made me realize that loving Bethany is something I have to continuously choose to do...All time, no matter what. And even if I...cannot...I still must act on notions of love. Can you please provide feedback on this?

"She can't. And she wants to marry you anyway...even though she fears...she's in it with you"

I know...But I am the one who has created the doubt in her, It was like I wanted to do it...It has taken quite a bit of work to put it in there...While I didn't feel like i was putting it their in objective. I think it happened in result of me communicating, honestly, mine.

But, since I have already caused this pain...Echos of her words radiate though mine and it nearly destroys me to have put doubt of me in her mind.

It makes me feel like her, nor I, should have to be married to someone who has instilled (or has/had) doubts.

Is it possible to get past these silly...But strong (in me) things and fulfill each other's emotional needs?

One more thing to note...She is a rock; it almost makes me think she doesn't care...but I know she does. If i did not cause relationship problems, there would not be any (or a lot less).



"and the answer you're looking for...is being one."

what do you mean by 'being one'?

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Being a sure thing.

Be a sure thing. Reliable. Unflaky. Unselfish. I'm not as poetic as LA, but I get her.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Tell us more about your past. Childhood, parents, siblings, friends, pasttimes, what were you good at, bad at, indifferent to, what kind of degrees and work, did you have trouble at school and why/how...stuff like that.

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Dude, at 23, it's okay if you're not ready for lifetime commitments. "I'm not ready" is reason enough in my book. Nothing has to be wrong with anybody. Everyone can be all peachy keen and teh awesum and still not be ready.

It is better to not get married than it is to get divorced.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Any tips on drills or tips on obtaining those positive personality traits?

Those words conjure up assortments of 'diet fads'. The ones that never really work in the long term. I think I have to make life long changes...

Thanks canwemakeit.

---

Catperson,

Thank you very much for asking. I did not want to go into anything that was not 'asked of' but I promise complete honesty...

Mostly, it is because; I cannot complain of a bad life...

Nothing tragic ever happened to me in childhood. My parents were pretty happy people, it seemed like they had a good marriage. My dad used to get quiet and reserved on weekends, I can honestly say though...I never thought it weird, nor felt neglected...I was sort of a loner as is.

I think it is weird now though, and I notice a pattern in sadness too.

Anyway...Healthy amount of friends, I have red hair...So that afforded me a certain level of picking on; I was never the fancy of girls though...And I guess I was better at numbers than socializing in groups...

I got most of my socializing, during teenage years online. Everquest, chatting and forums got me most interaction. My favorite past times were video games; which I mastered.

**EDIT** I guess I cannot imagine how I forgot to mention this originally...But my parents got divorced when I was 17...My dad cheated on my mom before I was born...That is what I am told. Bethany's parents are still together. I do not believe in cheating and reading the contents of the Q&A here have strengthen my resolve to never commit adultery. Unless porn watching is considered.

I was always good at relating and understanding with different concepts. It made me a broad conversationalist able, if approached, to talk intelligently. I mostly stayed to myself. I am good at being a nice person, I can show affection and kindness to friends. Good at poker, making fun of myself, my mom and sister think i'm hilarious...beth too... and lastly i'm probably too good at being a dword or ahole.

Im bad at being selfish, I often just do what I want to do with little or no regard to others. Family gatherings are viewed as annoyances, well that is fading...I probably still play too many video games...I utilize pornography, at addiction levels. I am bad at keeping my mouth shut and sometimes i say way the wrong thing. I almost feel I am honest to a fault, I cannot claim to have never lied...But I am very honest...filtering only a little from beth.

Probably the worst is the uncertainty i have in myself, I can't even truthfully re-read the above and say it is 100% myself or if what I'm saying is just coming straight outta my butt...Can anyone relate???

I'm indifferent to all sorts of stuff smile

Bachelors in Science: Computer Information Systems
Bachelors in Administration: Management of Information Systems

I work at a fulfillment agency; I perform quality control on XML order code. XML order code is the information that is transmitted over the internet from "Website" to (essentially) "Warehouse) when you push the 'I wanna buy it' button. I test the transmissions before any customers to make sure that the information is transmitted correctly and safely before production. If it scores me any threads, I used to do work for the Red Wings, as a blogger.

never really had trouble in early school...Had trouble in college, college was when i 'bloomed' socially and started hanging out in crowds more and attracted women, not many.

I hope I covered the why/how a little.

Again I very much appreciate your interest catperson.



Last edited by eric292; 04/13/09 02:31 PM.
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Originally Posted By: canwemakeit
Everyone can be all peachy keen and teh awesum and still not be ready.

It is better to not get married than it is to get divorced.


Hehe, thank you for relating with my age level's slang smile

The girl is mostly teh awesum though...I guess that is said in a lot of these threads...But I read them and cannot completely relate. Bethany commits no crime (and very very little love busters) to me, so I am afraid of losing a great thing...if i could just get over "POTENTIAL" internal crap.

The way I am feeling, it is better try marriage with her. Which I guess answers the thread and should be case closed...BUt I cannot get over these...fears? anxieties or w/e they are. Are these whats causing the friction between us?

**EDIT**And I have come to that conclusion many times before, but here I am back here in depressed sad mode (although i feel like I am coming out of it venting here...gr...). And these negative modes are really starting to affect the relationship.

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Here's my thoughts.

First, you need to seek professional help for your porn addiction. Do NOT go into a marriage without resolving that first. If you really loved her, you would not do that to her.

Second, we become just like our parents. He has a history of sadness, YOU have a history of sadness. So find out what his sadness was all about. Learning about it may help you with yourss.

So you've learned most of your socializing on line, which means you haven't learned the day to day ups and downs, give and take, like most of us. When to apologize, when to kiss up, when to stand up for yourself, when to sacrifice for someone else, stuff like that.

In other words, you haven't lived enough yet. You haven't done the stuff most people do; you were alone in high school, and you lived a frat life in college. You've never learned anything else.

IMO, that is why you feel 'wrong' about the marriage. If you get married now, 5 or 10 years from now you'll be wondering what you missed out on.

I'm not saying not to get married, I just think you would BOTH be better off waiting at least a couple years. Spend some time living on your own and living life - outside of college.

As for your selfishness, I have a great fix for you. You and Beth need to sit down and type in
find a charity to volunteer at
in Google or Yahoo, and choose one near you that you will both enjoy. This will do a lot of things. It will get your gaze off of your own navel so that you learn you can spend time on someone else other than yourself. It will give you and Beth a lot of time together each week (remember, MB wants you to spend 15 hours a week together). It will allow you and Beth to see each other in a good light, which will make her more attractive to you. It will set a lifelong habit of stepping outside your comfort zone and giving back to society. And of course you'll be helping someone in worse shape than you, which will also get your head out of your butt and stop wallowing in self-pity.

Good start for now.

What do you mean you're indifferent?

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OMG! (How's that for more slang).

I think you could have been my husband. My husband had (still has intimacy issues). Didn't socialize much with anyone other than the computer. Never much luck with the girls.

My husband is a recoverying sex addict. (Porn and spankin' the monkey are his issues.)

PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE get this dealt with before you get married.

I can promise you, your addiction will get worse. No one knows how it can escalate. For some men, it's being arrested for viewing child porn, for others sex addiction escalates to phuysical cheating, with whomever. Please, spare your intended the pain. As a partner, it's very painful to know that while your husband is NOT being intimate with you, he's mentally screwing every women that he thinks is attractive.

You are denying yourself and your SO a chance at real intimacy, and a real marriage. Engaged in SF for 13 years before we finally made love. Up until 1 year ago, we NEVER connected during sex.

My husband did not tell me he was an addict before marriage, and he knew. He lied to my face, looking straight into my eyes about everything that dealt with his sex life. That damage simply can't be repaired. Well, it can mostly. But you can't undo this sort of damage. Once you've broken the trust your SO has for you...

Likely SF is your highest EN right now because of your activities.

Learning how to build a strong marriage is hard enough. Don't make it harder by throwing in an untreated addiction.
Seriously, when my husband was going through therapy I was pregnant. I had to juggle my ob appointments, my therapy appointments and my husband's therapy appointments . Thankfully, my employer is pretty supportive of us.

My husband always felt indifferent. Nothing was really good or really bad.. See, he was numbing himself, he wasn't feeling. He told me once, while he was acting out, that the best he could hope for in life was contentment.

There are lots of resources available to you:
A therapist that specializes in sex addiction (often labeled CSAT)
no-porn.com
recoverynation.com
Any 12-step group (SLAA, SAA)
Anything by Patrick Carnes (Out of the Shadows, Don't Call it Love)

Good Luck.

Last edited by inrecoverynow; 04/14/09 08:14 AM.
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Catperson, thank you for your time and response.

Some of my comments, next, may appear to be combative and overly defensive...However, I am stating them in a neutral tone and only make them to gather more (elder and mature) opinion from you and others.

--Ah the porn addiction...Bethany does frown upon that, however...She does not 'hate' it persay? Because, and I am not sure why, I have heightened sexual need? I get pain down there...If i go more than 24-48 hours without...Busting a nut...

However, she, suffers from extreme pain if she has vaginal intercourse more than once every 4-5-6 days...And even on that 6th day...Often she feels pain down there during. She is on BC and believe me, we've tried like every brand of lube known to man...She is orgasmic, but she always just tells me to focus on myself...Because it hurts her after she orgasims...or something...She is 21. We've searched far and wide on the Internet for solutions...I think we need to just explore each other sexually more and I need to find out more of what 'turns her on' as part of the breakdown we had last night focused on how sex is...pretty much just about me...To be honest, I don't want to watch porn...I want my fiancee/wife to be the soul person to fulfill that EN. I think through my teenage years and earlier twenties, i have accustomed myself to 'once-per-day'...I very much enjoy sex and i know it is my top EN. I constantly say to myself I need to whan myself off the once-per-day mentality...It is hard.

I have discussed the sadness my dad felt with him. This is part of the problem; I think our sadness stems from the in-ability to control the fluctuations of emotions. We all go through ups and downs, I am intellegent enough to understand that I have minor mental problems...and as I have stated I am about 11 sessions into pyschotherapy...However, I do not think we have made any breakthroughs yet in helping me...

My sadness is, i think, that I am never satisfied with myself...I always want to experience more, I always want to be better. I beat myself up over failed expenditures and I hold myself in high expectation...when really all I want to do is sit around and not contribute to society.

Also my sadness comes in VERY heavy waves (and i touched on this briefly before) in the in-ability to even 'trust' my own feelings...It is so hard for me to dechiper what is really me and what is just thoughts and emotions generated inside my head.

I can understand what you mean on the 'you haven't lived yet'. Is it not possible, however, to lead a fulfilling and happy life with marriage early? I am friends with another couple who the male is not able to 'stay out over night' and is often 'controlled' by his (soon to be) spouse. I have explained to Bethany that because we are getting married to early, that she must not attempt to 'control' me to that extent and allow me experience the joys that I hold dear. She nearly slaps me when I remind her/explain that...Saying that she would never deny me the recreational experiences I desire. I believe her, as her father is aloud to do all the hunting, fishing and boat buying he wants. He obviously takes good care of his marriage with my fiancee's mother. I look up to their relationship as a great success.

I also, as a teenager, always viewed myself wanting to get married early...I never enjoyed the 'game' persay, and always thought of myself getting married early...But only after living with the girl and dating her for at least two years...Well, I had to comprimise on the first attribute (living before) but I am okay with that as it has been documented to cause potentially huge problems, and was not an option with such a religious family.

"I'm not saying not to get married, I just think you would BOTH be better off waiting at least a couple years. Spend some time living on your own and living life - outside of college."

Overall, however, you are correct. I know deep inside that I could survive, without Bethany...It would hurt, bad, to break-up with her...And I feel like that is not an option. But I know deep-down I could survive.

I feel like our relationship has problems, but we are pretty compatibale as well. I am easily the 'emotional/girly' one in the relationship, I am the one who purchased all the Dr. Harley books and plan on reading them...She doesn't share that same enthusism, she is more silent about it and believes things should come naturally. Obviously this can and probably will cause friction in the future...But isint knowing half (as the saying goes...) the battle?

I am sorry that while posting my fears and my desire to break up, I am defending our relationship so much. I don't know if I feel some childish need to prove to people that it will work, or what I am doing...You can see this tie into the above paragraph about me not knowning exactly where my feelings come from.

I really like the charity idea. The only problem I have with that is channeling those actions into real positive energy. I could see myself thinking too objectivley about the charity and viewing it as "self-righteous" and not focusing on the real purpose of doing it...Then I may feel it is some sort of punishment for considering myself a selfish person. At which point i'll wonder why I am punishing myself. I don't know if I could get Bethany to do something like that with me, probably, but she is so...mentally sound?(i_think)...that she may not think it is needed, however this is speculation. If I think deeply about it though, even if Bethany doesn't come...Maybe it really would be benificial to perform the action you describe. It causes me pain to consider it, 'why do that Eric, go home and do somtehing that you want to do...Don't worry about other people, wtf sir.' But maybe through forcing myself to go out and witness the problems in this world and give free time...it will help?

Really though; this forum has opened my eyes...You people all take time out of your day to help other people with their mental and relationship problems. I am so honored...I mean reading some of "LoveAnyway's" posts make me tear up she/he is so kind and dedicated.

--The indifferent comment meant that, I am indifferent to a whole slew of things: Bowling, sports, clothing, cars, work, reading...meaning i didn't want to describe the millions of things I am just 'okay' with. Or I mis-understood what you meant by indifference.

---I bought almost all of Dr. Harley's books yesterday, and I have read most of his Q&A already. They are all in the mail on their way; but i bought His Needs, Her Needs at Borders yesterday.

--Thanks again catperson...Can you help me reflect (catperson or anyone) on what I typed above? Please, again, understand I am not trying to be combative with my 'defense(s)'.

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Sorry to double post...

Is it not a good thing to want to tackle these issues head on? Am I being too emotional? Should things just be natural? It is not that I feel that our relationship is completly crappy, but I think so intesivley on these subjects as attempts to start the marriage off correctly...I mean Dr. Harley does teach good practices right? I am just trying to rationalize and take into account how often people get divorced...Is it a good idea to start off the marriage with the mindset:

"This is going to be super hard, you don't realize it yet...Please work through these books with me."

I say that as, much to her dismay and retaliation at the discussion of...I know that Bethany is naive in ways...Shes never lived away from home and I am sure has lived a very sheltered life. She is very smart, and I think she 'gets it' in may ways...But I am so afraid of her...neutralness? Passive? When I guess, I am more fiery and have more heart.

Anyway...Thanks again.

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And, eventually, you will make it hard for your SO to please you. After nearly 20 years (early teens to early 30's) of my husband taking care of himself, I couldn't get him to orgasm by giving him an hj or bj. That is, until my husband stopped masturbating. He'd conditioned himself to respond to his touch only.

I also think, you understand, that if you don't have release every day, you won't die. Your man bits won't burn up in sudden combustion.

If you don't want to watch porn, then why don't you stop? Put a filter on your computer, like net nanny, and have your SO put in a password.

Nothing on the Marriage Builder's web site will work until you get the porn addiction worked through.

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Originally Posted By: inrecoverynow

I couldn't get him to orgasm by giving him an hj or bj. That is, until my husband stopped masturbating. He'd conditioned himself to respond to his touch only.


Very interesting...As that is the case with me as well; her foreplay only makes vaginal intercourse go more quickly...I cannot reach release on strictly that stimulation alone.

Originally Posted By: inrecoverynow

I also think, you understand, that if you don't have release every day, you won't die. Your man bits won't burn up in sudden combustion.


Yes, I do understand that...And while I can feel a bit childish stating; 'but why allow myself to be in..blueball pain, when releasing it is so...easy?'

I understand that pain and strife must be adhered to, sometimes, for personal growth...I wonder how much restraint and growth I will have to go through for my johnny to fricken only need it every 72-96 hours...But part of me doesn't even want that to occur...because sex is so pleasurable...I don't want to 'want it less'.

Originally Posted By: inrecoverynow

If you don't want to watch porn, then why don't you stop? Put a filter on your computer, like net nanny, and have your SO put in a password.


Another interesting comment that made me look inside...Thank you inrecoverynow. Infact, i deleted my massive archive of porn in a self-induced mental breakdown one evening (she was not involved at all). I can remembe thinking "How can she keep up with this type of shit Eric...Get rid of it now"...I was in a different state of mind *cough*...Maybe at the time a good one...I then promptly deleted, years and years of gathered...300+gigabytes of pornography. Since then...I've submitted back into the habit, to relieve the pain (buildup) down there...I only get to see Bethany once or twice a week and it causes me much guilt to kinda...pounce her when I see her...

Last edited by eric292; 04/14/09 09:36 AM.
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You are an active addict.

IMVHO, you have no business getting married.
Your addiction, left untreated, is going to ruin your marriage.

Your addiction, if treated, at the very least, will bring lots of pain and heartache to the marriage. Pain and heartache that is managable. At the very worst, it will ruin your marriage.

Please, get yourself sober and in recovery. Look at the resources I've listed on page 1.

Get yourself to a 12-step meeting for sex addicts. See what your future may hold.

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Wow. Where do I start? There is so much you need to be working on I can't see where to start. I'll just go down your post.

Quote:
--Ah the porn addiction...Bethany does frown upon that, however...She does not 'hate' it persay? Because, and I am not sure why, I have heightened sexual need? I get pain down there...If i go more than 24-48 hours without...Busting a nut...
She is not old enough to know what SA IS. She has NO IDEA what it will do to her marriage. WE DO. So listen to us.

eric, you do NOT have heightened SF need. You're supposed to be that way. What matters, though, is how you decide to deal with is.

Your SA is 'telling' you that you have to do it so often because you are looking at SF from a distorted, unhealthy viewpoint. Make an appointment TODAY for your general doctor and get a recommendation from him for a qualified SF therapist. Do NOT get married until you have this under control!

Quote:
However, she, suffers from extreme pain if she has vaginal intercourse more than once every 4-5-6 days...And even on that 6th day...Often she feels pain down there during. ...Because it hurts her after she orgasims...or something... We've searched far and wide on the Internet for solutions...
First, how can you expect to be married to someone who doesn't go to a doctor and resolve this? She is in pain now? Just think what it will be like in 10 years, after a couple kids, and she doesn't care about you all that much any more (because you've been burying yourself in your SA). Tell her you can't marry her until she goes to her gynecologist for this issue.

And seriously? Asking the Internet for help for SF pain? This would be a good opportunity to start acting like adults and go to a doctor.

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To be honest, I don't want to watch porn
Wonderful! Then don't! Start tomorrow morning - none for one week, til next Tuesday night. Focus on that and that alone. Research ways to stop. Get help. Tell your friends what you're doing and ask them for help. Join a group.

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I think our sadness stems from the in-ability to control the fluctuations of emotions.
Huh? What does that mean? You have a chemical problem? Or you're just emotional? If you don't have a doctor's opinion on this, you are just making an excuse. Time to grow up and stop making excuses.

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My sadness is, i think, that I am never satisfied with myself...I always want to experience more, I always want to be better. I beat myself up over failed expenditures and I hold myself in high expectation...when really all I want to do is sit around and not contribute to society.
We could spend a year on this, but I'll give you my armchair opinion. You are a 20-something. I assume you're American or some other 'advanced' society (not third-world with issues like running water). You are Generation Y ("Generation Y is sometimes called the "Trophy Generation", or "Trophy Kids," a term that reflects the trend in competitive sports (as well as many other aspects of life) where "no one loses" and everyone gets a "Thanks for Participating" trophy." from wikipedia). You have so much done for you (parents, electronics, machines) that you have more time on your hands than you know what to do with. So what do you do? You reflect. You worry. You sulk. You think about what you have and don't have. You wonder if you could have 'better.' You wallow.

And you become depressed. What's the solution? Get off your butt and go out and accomplish something. Volunteer. Grow something. Take up a hobby. Exercise.

Fill your life so that your life doesn't fill you.

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Is it not possible, however, to lead a fulfilling and happy life with marriage early? I am friends with another couple who the male is not able to 'stay out over night' and is often 'controlled' by his (soon to be) spouse. I have explained to Bethany that because we are getting married to early, that she must not attempt to 'control' me to that extent and allow me experience the joys that I hold dear. She nearly slaps me when I remind her/explain that
eric, this just proves that you are too immature to get married. First, of course you can have a fulfiling married life. IF the two of you didn't have such issues and were focused on each other - NOT yourself. Like you are.

Why would a married man spend the night 'out' away from his wife? Is that what you think marriage is? If so, then you are not ready to be married. Marriage is for when you have gotten all that out of your system, and you're ready to move on to the next stage of your life - with a woman!

Of course you will still have fun with your friends. BUT SO WILL SHE! Are you ready to watch her go out to a sports bar and drink it up with her girlfriends? Then you shouldn't be going, either.

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she must not attempt to 'control' me
Listen to yourself! You are already telling her you don't want a marriage, you want a convenience. What do you think a marriage is? It is committing to LOVE your spouse and TAKE CARE of them - not to expect THEM to take care of YOU. How do you think a marriage like this can survive?

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I really like the charity idea. The only problem I have with that is channeling those actions into real positive energy. I could see myself thinking too objectivley about the charity and viewing it as "self-righteous" and not focusing on the real purpose of doing it...Then I may feel it is some sort of punishment for considering myself a selfish person.
What on earth are you talking about? You volunteer to HELP someone or something. You don't go to Habitat for Humanity and say "I need to feel good about myself. Give me a paint brush." You say "I can see people need help. Tell me what to do." And you just do it. You are overthinking this. The benefit comes from the subconscious feeling you get when you see a neglected puppy adopted to a good family or watch a family move into a house you helped build with them.

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It causes me pain to consider it, 'why do that Eric, go home and do somtehing that you want to do...Don't worry about other people, wtf sir.' But maybe through forcing myself to go out and witness the problems in this world and give free time...it will help?
Exactly the point. You are so wrapped up in yourself that you can't see the real world. Which doesn't revolve around you, btw. wink

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--The indifferent comment meant that, I am indifferent to a whole slew of things: Bowling, sports, clothing, cars, work, reading...meaning i didn't want to describe the millions of things I am just 'okay' with. Or I mis-understood what you meant by indifference.
Two things. One, your SA is numbing you to the world. It just does. So get rid of it today. Two, what you are describing is a CHOICE. Just like love is a verb. You're aren't 'in love' - you choose TO love. So choose TO care about cars, work, sports. Ask your therapist about this.

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Yes, I do understand that...And while I can feel a bit childish stating; 'but why allow myself to be in..blueball pain, when releasing it is so...easy?'
Eric, this is your immaturity showing again. Do you realize how many times a typical 30 year old man has SF (any kind)? Once or twice a week (guys, I don't need to hear YOUR statistics - I'm making a point here). You are experiencing pain ONLY because you have conditioned your body to it. Just like a 2-pack-a-day smoker who feels withdrawal if he cuts back to one pack a day. He has to re-condition his body to not need so much nicottine (sp?).

You have to recondition your body to a normal state, and the pain will go away.

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Thank you for your time and opinion, I am at work...And cannot afford anymore time at the moment...I am providing this thread to my therapist. Good idea?

One more question, and please let me know asap.

Can I show this thread to Bethany? Do you think that is a good idea?

Again, I want to thank you catperson...I feel very discouraged right now however...I don't feel like I am a bad person...I want to be with bethany...I have to stop reading this stuff and typing or I'm going to break down and start crying in my cube! Heh...

Last edited by eric292; 04/14/09 11:12 AM.
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Originally Posted By: inrecoverynow
OMG! (How's that for more slang).
There are lots of resources available to you:
A therapist that specializes in sex addiction (often labeled CSAT)
no-porn.com
recoverynation.com
Any 12-step group (SLAA, SAA)
Anything by Patrick Carnes (Out of the Shadows, Don't Call it Love)

Good Luck.


Iminrecoverynow,

I just now saw this message on page one, i missed it previously...Fortunatly..I am very honest with Bethany, I do not hide OR LIE to her!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Obviously we are both very naive and inexperienced in love...We have both only had a very few relationships.

I will begin looking at the resources you provided after work today.

The only thing that is really confusing me, is the doom and gloom you all paint...While I am finding it, hard, I still have a positive expectation of my marriage with Bethany...I want to work out these issues...I wnt to be happy with her. Is that immaturity as well? *sigh*


----AGAIN----THESE ARE NOT FALSE THANK YOUs...Thank you very much for your haste responses.

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Is your therapist trained in sex addiction? If not, please find a CSAT. Normal, every day therapists do NOT know how do help with sex addiction.

Your SO DESERVES the truth: the truth that she is going to be marrying an addict. She needs to understand what her life will be like. That you may one day, endanger her health.

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TAKE AWAY THE ABILITY OF YOUR SO MAKING AN INFORMED DECISION ABOUT MARRIAGE. YOU ARE PLAYING WITH HER LIFE. IT IS SELFISH AND INEXCUSABLE. Shouldn't Bethany get to decide if she's comfortable marrying an addict? Shouldn't she get to decide what her boundaries will be before marriage? Shouldn't she get to decide if she's willing to live with the risks of a recoverying addict? Why are you making these choices for her? Why are you playing God with her life?

YOU ARE ALSO NOT A BAD PERSON.

You've just made some not so healthy choices. That CAN BE unlearned. Look, my husband has been acting out for nearly 20 years. He's sober, now for two, with no slips or relapses. Our marriage is amazing. It CAN be done.

Look, if you tell Bethany about your addiction or not, you risk loosing her. You are not going to be able to hide it from her forever. She will find out. I promise you, your sex life with her will go down the drain. She'll notice when you guys are having sex once every two months..she won't know what exactly is up, but she'll know something is.

ETA: Here's another thought. She may not be the best partner for you, when you get sober. Wouldn't you want to figure that out before you married her?


Last edited by inrecoverynow; 04/14/09 11:27 AM.
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