Catperson, thank you for your time and response.
Some of my comments, next, may appear to be combative and overly defensive...However, I am stating them in a neutral tone and only make them to gather more (elder and mature) opinion from you and others.
--Ah the porn addiction...Bethany does frown upon that, however...She does not 'hate' it persay? Because, and I am not sure why, I have heightened sexual need? I get pain down there...If i go more than 24-48 hours without...Busting a nut...
However, she, suffers from extreme pain if she has vaginal intercourse more than once every 4-5-6 days...And even on that 6th day...Often she feels pain down there during. She is on BC and believe me, we've tried like every brand of lube known to man...She is orgasmic, but she always just tells me to focus on myself...Because it hurts her after she orgasims...or something...She is 21. We've searched far and wide on the Internet for solutions...I think we need to just explore each other sexually more and I need to find out more of what 'turns her on' as part of the breakdown we had last night focused on how sex is...pretty much just about me...To be honest, I don't want to watch porn...I want my fiancee/wife to be the soul person to fulfill that EN. I think through my teenage years and earlier twenties, i have accustomed myself to 'once-per-day'...I very much enjoy sex and i know it is my top EN. I constantly say to myself I need to whan myself off the once-per-day mentality...It is hard.
I have discussed the sadness my dad felt with him. This is part of the problem; I think our sadness stems from the in-ability to control the fluctuations of emotions. We all go through ups and downs, I am intellegent enough to understand that I have minor mental problems...and as I have stated I am about 11 sessions into pyschotherapy...However, I do not think we have made any breakthroughs yet in helping me...
My sadness is, i think, that I am never satisfied with myself...I always want to experience more, I always want to be better. I beat myself up over failed expenditures and I hold myself in high expectation...when really all I want to do is sit around and not contribute to society.
Also my sadness comes in VERY heavy waves (and i touched on this briefly before) in the in-ability to even 'trust' my own feelings...It is so hard for me to dechiper what is really me and what is just thoughts and emotions generated inside my head.
I can understand what you mean on the 'you haven't lived yet'. Is it not possible, however, to lead a fulfilling and happy life with marriage early? I am friends with another couple who the male is not able to 'stay out over night' and is often 'controlled' by his (soon to be) spouse. I have explained to Bethany that because we are getting married to early, that she must not attempt to 'control' me to that extent and allow me experience the joys that I hold dear. She nearly slaps me when I remind her/explain that...Saying that she would never deny me the recreational experiences I desire. I believe her, as her father is aloud to do all the hunting, fishing and boat buying he wants. He obviously takes good care of his marriage with my fiancee's mother. I look up to their relationship as a great success.
I also, as a teenager, always viewed myself wanting to get married early...I never enjoyed the 'game' persay, and always thought of myself getting married early...But only after living with the girl and dating her for at least two years...Well, I had to comprimise on the first attribute (living before) but I am okay with that as it has been documented to cause potentially huge problems, and was not an option with such a religious family.
"I'm not saying not to get married, I just think you would BOTH be better off waiting at least a couple years. Spend some time living on your own and living life - outside of college."
Overall, however, you are correct. I know deep inside that I could survive, without Bethany...It would hurt, bad, to break-up with her...And I feel like that is not an option. But I know deep-down I could survive.
I feel like our relationship has problems, but we are pretty compatibale as well. I am easily the 'emotional/girly' one in the relationship, I am the one who purchased all the Dr. Harley books and plan on reading them...She doesn't share that same enthusism, she is more silent about it and believes things should come naturally. Obviously this can and probably will cause friction in the future...But isint knowing half (as the saying goes...) the battle?
I am sorry that while posting my fears and my desire to break up, I am defending our relationship so much. I don't know if I feel some childish need to prove to people that it will work, or what I am doing...You can see this tie into the above paragraph about me not knowning exactly where my feelings come from.
I really like the charity idea. The only problem I have with that is channeling those actions into real positive energy. I could see myself thinking too objectivley about the charity and viewing it as "self-righteous" and not focusing on the real purpose of doing it...Then I may feel it is some sort of punishment for considering myself a selfish person. At which point i'll wonder why I am punishing myself. I don't know if I could get Bethany to do something like that with me, probably, but she is so...mentally sound?(i_think)...that she may not think it is needed, however this is speculation. If I think deeply about it though, even if Bethany doesn't come...Maybe it really would be benificial to perform the action you describe. It causes me pain to consider it, 'why do that Eric, go home and do somtehing that you want to do...Don't worry about other people, wtf sir.' But maybe through forcing myself to go out and witness the problems in this world and give free time...it will help?
Really though; this forum has opened my eyes...You people all take time out of your day to help other people with their mental and relationship problems. I am so honored...I mean reading some of "LoveAnyway's" posts make me tear up she/he is so kind and dedicated.
--The indifferent comment meant that, I am indifferent to a whole slew of things: Bowling, sports, clothing, cars, work, reading...meaning i didn't want to describe the millions of things I am just 'okay' with. Or I mis-understood what you meant by indifference.
---I bought almost all of Dr. Harley's books yesterday, and I have read most of his Q&A already. They are all in the mail on their way; but i bought His Needs, Her Needs at Borders yesterday.
--Thanks again catperson...Can you help me reflect (catperson or anyone) on what I typed above? Please, again, understand I am not trying to be combative with my 'defense(s)'.