Litha, welcome to Marriage Builders...
I'm impressed you're here, though not married yet...
and you don't say if you were married during the years apart from now fiance...
please let us know...it's important...
Please keep your promise to yourself and seek a counselor for this very important issue...recurring...lifelong...time to deal with it squarely...nothing wrong with you...sure can feel as if there were...
Next, permit yourself to move the comforter/blanket. The controlling part, making yourself physically ill, was HIM not doing it...
that part isn't just low-self-esteem...it's manipulative and criminal to self. You had the power to do it for yourself, and your partner. You chose not to...your choices are unhealthy..you, however, are not.
You're about to make different choices. That's what changes our lives.
This is just what Natalie and Cat have said...and I agree with them. You betray yourself (putting upon others what you won't do for yourself tells self it's helpless, worthless, less than)...you're going to feel betrayed...
Now...how do you know communication with exGF ceased? Are you saying to check the phone records? Sporadically doublecheck emails?
Back when you first initiated the reunion, were you ending a marriage or long-term relationship? Was he still living with xGF, though it was "over"?
Are there any children as result of either of your previous relationships/marriages?
Seems reasonable to me that you would mourn the years you did not have together...when you're focused on that...for you cannot get them back...and it will take years for you both to have real intimacy, understanding and acceptance of what you cannot regain...if you do not honor that what they had was real, most likely knowing real selves...and in three months, you've hardly brushed the surface...then you won't be able to honor what you will have in your future years together.
You aren't powerful enough (none of us are) to create this relationship, nor be the sole end of it.
You can't drive him away, drive him nuts...however, you sure can reinforce your self-hatred, harm and devastation...
please don't. Change your choices...you can do this.
He isn't perfect, isn't comparable to anyone else you've loved...he's him and you are you. Knowing your stuff and sharing your stuff IS intimacy...and you are only half of every relationship on this earth.
Same for all of us...learn the balance...what you want most...between all or nothing...Envy is when you want something you see someone else have...
jealousy is when you want what someone else has and for them not to have it.
Not all mine and not mine...two partners, one union...built on continuing acts of respect, love, healthy boundaries and true intimacy...
whether you feel like it or not.
Feelings follow actions.
Welcome.
LA
