You didn’t answer these:
Ask yourself why you need to be married NOW?
You answered why you WANT to be married, not why you NEED to be married. The closest I can find in your posts is this:
My mum has also said that finances should not be an issue and that it does not have to be stereotyped into career first before having a family...So you’re either seeking to win her approval, or you’re using her words to justify what you want.
So ask yourself what exactly are you looking for by marriage that would 'fix' your life. Save money? Look good to someone? Start a family? What is the motivation?
I am seeking commitment –I can see why you’d want this after 7 years of no plans. But…
it makes financial sense as we would be saving over 10K a year immediately by staying together - and i've mention it before - to be sexually pure as well.
So you want to be married to save money and have sex? Cos you don’t want to wait any longer to have sex?
I'm assuming that your boyfriend's view is that he wants to be established first. Many men feel that way; it is NOT a fault, in fact it's honorable. Why do you not see that aspect? Or is he wanting to go out and party without you?
i do see it and i do know its honorable as well. But i believe we can do it together
and no he's not that kind of party type, but perhaps he misses his singlehood after 7 long yrs?
if he really is missing out then perhaps he should not be in a relationship
And that is the point I first made to you. If he is not ready, he should not be in a relationship with someone who needs to be married RIGHT NOW. So you have some hard questions ahead of you. You can’t MAKE him want to be married right now. Therefore you are incompatible at this point.
Unless…you find out why you NEED to be married right now. What difference is it going to make if you marry in 2009 or in 2010? Honestly? The point I’m trying to make is that you are making an EMOTIONAL plea, not a logical one. You feel unloved because he hasn’t proposed, I assume. So address THAT! Not pushing a marriage. Would you feel satiated if he proposed and gave you a ring and said ‘let’s get married next April’? Then tell him that’s what you need!
Ask him about himself? What do you mean? His dreams & plans? I've supported all of that and will continue supporting it if that's what you're wondering. Why would marriage change anything?
Wrong. You have NOT supported all that. You don’t even seem to know what his dreams and plans ARE! You don’t know WHY he has not proposed. You don’t know WHEN he wants to be married. Because you’re not asking him! You can’t support what you don’t know. What you ARE doing is sitting in silence and passive aggressiveness and anger, and heaping all the blame on him. Are you expecting to guilt him into marrying you? Blame it all on him so that he feels obligated to make it up to you by marrying you? What kind of marriage would that be?
Pros & Cons of getting married? The pros outweigh the cons...
YOUR pros outweigh the cons. That’s what I keep trying to get you to see. You are talking about what YOU want. He obviously doesn’t share your belief system! So why would you keep pushing something on him that he doesn’t want? Because what you want is more important? Honestly, I’m trying to understand why you refuse to even look at his feelings in this, despite us asking you to.
Yes perhaps we've taken each other for granted at times, but we're both striving very hard. Perhaps you're only seeing somethings you wish to see as well. My love tanks are dry. I've been lonely and I have always felt that I'm not good enough for him and you've made me feel that way in your past few posts...
First, I can’t MAKE you FEEL anything. That is YOU. The first key to happiness is to stop being someone else’s victim. I am not hurting you. I’m not criticizing you. I’m observing you and giving you my assessment. Which is why people come to forums like this – to LEARN. If you’re not open to learning better solutions, then you’re wasting your time. If you only came here to get people to pat you on the back and commiserate, well, that’s not what happens here. We look for solutions. Your solution is to talk to him. So that you will KNOW what he wants, if he’s happy with you, if he even has any plans with you. So that then YOU can make decisions. You can’t make decisions with only half the evidence. But what I see is two people who are not even talking about it! You’re coming to an anonymous board complaining about a guy who, from my view, is doing all the right things, except maybe for being clear about his plans.
Remember that you can’t change anyone else but yourself. And you can't fix something you don't know. If you don't start communicating with him, any marriage you DO get will not work anyway.
Talk to him. Ask him what he's feeling. Tell him it's safe for him to be honest with you, and tell you if he wants out, or wants to experiment, or whatever it is he wants. You can't get what you want until you know what he wants.