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Joined: May 2009
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I don't think I've ignored everything else you've said, I believe I've answered your questions as well. In the previous post before that, I also asked out of fear, that after 2 years if he still says he's not ready and still hasn't proposed, what do I do?
I've prayed about this for so long. It isn't just a one time thing. It has been ongoing for more than a year, and I've read heaps as well. How long is needed to be "financially stable"?

Ask him about himself? What do you mean? His dreams & plans? I've supported all of that and will continue supporting it if that's what you're wondering. Why would marriage change anything?

Yes perhaps we've taken each other for granted at times, but we're both striving very hard. Perhaps you're only seeing somethings you wish to see as well. My love tanks are dry. I've been lonely and I have always felt that I'm not good enough for him and you've made me feel that way in your past few posts...

Joined: Oct 2007
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You didn’t answer these:
I said:
Ask yourself why you need to be married NOW?

You answered why you WANT to be married, not why you NEED to be married. The closest I can find in your posts is this:
My mum has also said that finances should not be an issue and that it does not have to be stereotyped into career first before having a family...So you’re either seeking to win her approval, or you’re using her words to justify what you want.

I said:
So ask yourself what exactly are you looking for by marriage that would 'fix' your life. Save money? Look good to someone? Start a family? What is the motivation?

You said:
I am seeking commitment –I can see why you’d want this after 7 years of no plans. But…

it makes financial sense as we would be saving over 10K a year immediately by staying together - and i've mention it before - to be sexually pure as well.
So you want to be married to save money and have sex? Cos you don’t want to wait any longer to have sex?

I said:
I'm assuming that your boyfriend's view is that he wants to be established first. Many men feel that way; it is NOT a fault, in fact it's honorable. Why do you not see that aspect? Or is he wanting to go out and party without you?


You said:
i do see it and i do know its honorable as well. But i believe we can do it together
and no he's not that kind of party type, but perhaps he misses his singlehood after 7 long yrs?
if he really is missing out then perhaps he should not be in a relationship

And that is the point I first made to you. If he is not ready, he should not be in a relationship with someone who needs to be married RIGHT NOW. So you have some hard questions ahead of you. You can’t MAKE him want to be married right now. Therefore you are incompatible at this point.

Unless…you find out why you NEED to be married right now. What difference is it going to make if you marry in 2009 or in 2010? Honestly? The point I’m trying to make is that you are making an EMOTIONAL plea, not a logical one. You feel unloved because he hasn’t proposed, I assume. So address THAT! Not pushing a marriage. Would you feel satiated if he proposed and gave you a ring and said ‘let’s get married next April’? Then tell him that’s what you need!

You said:
Ask him about himself? What do you mean? His dreams & plans? I've supported all of that and will continue supporting it if that's what you're wondering. Why would marriage change anything?
Wrong. You have NOT supported all that. You don’t even seem to know what his dreams and plans ARE! You don’t know WHY he has not proposed. You don’t know WHEN he wants to be married. Because you’re not asking him! You can’t support what you don’t know. What you ARE doing is sitting in silence and passive aggressiveness and anger, and heaping all the blame on him. Are you expecting to guilt him into marrying you? Blame it all on him so that he feels obligated to make it up to you by marrying you? What kind of marriage would that be?

You said:
Pros & Cons of getting married? The pros outweigh the cons...
YOUR pros outweigh the cons. That’s what I keep trying to get you to see. You are talking about what YOU want. He obviously doesn’t share your belief system! So why would you keep pushing something on him that he doesn’t want? Because what you want is more important? Honestly, I’m trying to understand why you refuse to even look at his feelings in this, despite us asking you to.

You said:
Yes perhaps we've taken each other for granted at times, but we're both striving very hard. Perhaps you're only seeing somethings you wish to see as well. My love tanks are dry. I've been lonely and I have always felt that I'm not good enough for him and you've made me feel that way in your past few posts...
First, I can’t MAKE you FEEL anything. That is YOU. The first key to happiness is to stop being someone else’s victim. I am not hurting you. I’m not criticizing you. I’m observing you and giving you my assessment. Which is why people come to forums like this – to LEARN. If you’re not open to learning better solutions, then you’re wasting your time. If you only came here to get people to pat you on the back and commiserate, well, that’s not what happens here. We look for solutions. Your solution is to talk to him. So that you will KNOW what he wants, if he’s happy with you, if he even has any plans with you. So that then YOU can make decisions. You can’t make decisions with only half the evidence. But what I see is two people who are not even talking about it! You’re coming to an anonymous board complaining about a guy who, from my view, is doing all the right things, except maybe for being clear about his plans.

Remember that you can’t change anyone else but yourself. And you can't fix something you don't know. If you don't start communicating with him, any marriage you DO get will not work anyway.

Talk to him. Ask him what he's feeling. Tell him it's safe for him to be honest with you, and tell you if he wants out, or wants to experiment, or whatever it is he wants. You can't get what you want until you know what he wants.

Joined: May 2009
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Thanks catperson. I'll try my best.
I spent the weekend crying...
Was arguing & quarreling about all this, and more.

He says that a ring does not mean anything,
an engagement still can be broken off...

He used to be more affectionate - and him wanting to be upright he withdrew almost all forms of affection.

Hand-holding, hugs and pecks on the cheek.
For now, he's alright with nothing at all even.
Really hurts. I guess he thinks a proposal should come perhaps about a year before marriage and not 2 yrs...like engaged just before getting married.

I really don't know what to do. Suggest a break?
Not sure if I can handle one :'(
Unless - I come to a "we need to talk"

*Yes I admit I have desires, that I wish to be fulfilled. I do not want us to be quarreling about affection, and time etc.
Being incompatible - what do I do?
If there are things that will be resolved only in marriage, what should I do about it? About intimacy, about affection...

He plans to finish his studies at the end of this year. He plans to work for 2 years before settling down. Because he thinks he's too young and hence has not proposed. So I do know all of this already. He does have plans for us, but it's going to take time to unfold. What do I do in the meantime? When I feel insecure and unassured?

So if he has shouted at me and pushed me over the weekend and said hurtful things and all...what should I do? Is this the end?

Joined: Oct 2007
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Do you really want my honest answer?

Ok...I think you are too immature to be married.

I think you are too needy to be married and if you got married, you would be divorced within 5 years.

I think you need to learn to be ON YOUR OWN for at least a year before you even consider getting married.

I think you are pinning your own happiness on what HE will do, not how you can be happy for yourself. Thus, you said:
Quote:
Suggest a break?
Not sure if I can handle one :'(
If you say that, then you most definitely HAVE to learn how to handle a break. I hope you can see that.

I think you both should have been dating other people, and that most people who start dating in early teens do NOT belong together, at least not before seeing the world separately.

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Okay, I understand.
I accept that, but find it hard to accept that you just say that we'll be "divorced within 5 years"

on my own, being? single?
okay, i will definitely work on it, and be happy for myself.

we've already had ONE break. and i just don't wish to go through another one because of the position i'm in and at this point...

thanks once again. if you can, keep us in prayer
esp me, since i know i need more work

Joined: Oct 2007
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I'm glad you're not just throwing this out cos you don't want to hear it.

Divorced in 5 years because...you need to be approaching a marriage from a position of strength and courage and honesty and happiness with yourself. The way you are describing your relationship - you needy, clingy, unyielding; him indifferent and possibly just fed up - marrying now before BOTH of you are happy is just like a married couple having a kid cos they think it will bring them closer. Sure there may be a cute kid around, but the problems the marriage was having are all still there.

Fix yourself first. Finish school. Start your career. Make friends outside of your bf. Have a life. Learn to like yourself and trust yourself. THEN see if you are both still compatible.

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