Hold I only came back on here to help YOU. I am busy with my own life and my marriage is really great now because of two things. I asked my husband to help with the kitchen and he not only took over that area of maintenance of the home but does the vacuming and cleaning of the house (between monthly HK visits) that we need to do. He watches the same amount of TV but watches some shows I like so we can watch those together.

Also, we were falling back into bad sex patterns like "forgetting" to have it for a month or more. I brought it up to him and suggested maybe we jump on the once weekly sex to improve it. I told him I loved him so much that when we have regular frequent sex, MY BODY feels like it loves him even more.

And I feel content and in love if we have sex about once a week. So he has made an effort to hold to that and it has been great. When you aim for once a week, yet if you get too busy for sex on a certain night, you can postpone it for a day or two and still make up for it.

If you do not plan the once weekly sex, then there is "nothing to make up for" and no REGULAR pattern to develop that you can both "divert from occasionally".

Enough about me. HOLD, I feel certain that you can have conversations about sex with your wife if you approach them the right way.

If you ask her to have a conversation about sex, then you are putting too much of the responsibility of that on her. Rather, you need to just START TALKING about one aspect of sex and catch her off guard.

Do not ask her to TALK ABOUT SEX. She will say NO. Instead, just start talking about it. Smile, touch her hand, and ask a few minor sexual things...starting with one little thing a day, to get her used to talking about it. She used to talk to you about her other sex partners when you went for drinks, etc that proves to me that she can talk openly about sex and that accidently and sadly now, you are maybe the one turning her off of talking about it with you.

To get the conversation moving, you could ask her:

Hi there, when you had sex,, did you ever do_________?

Hey, honey.... did you ever do _________?

(see what she says, do not go into a long conversation just bring up the question)

I like it when you do ______________in bed with me. Do you like that too?

Sometimes I like it when you do ___________, what do you think about that?

Do you prefer ___________ or _____________?

I know you used to really like sex from past conversations......(let her respond, do not say anymore)

Remember when we used to talk about sex while having drinks at that bar? That was cool wasnt it. (or, I think that was cool we used to talk about it)

I like talking about sex, maybe sometime you can I can speak about it. (look her in the eye, smile and walk calmly and happily out of the room)

(HOLD, REMEMBER YOU WANT TO toss out one question, keep it light and walk away. you do not want to try and trap her into some long conversation. you want to use these simple statements and happy questions as BAIT for keeping her coming back for more sex conversations. YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO SET UP A DRAMA AND MAKE HER CRAVE MORE AND MORE TALK ABOUT SEX. YOU HAVE TO BE REALLY SMART TO DRAW HER IN TO A CONVERSATION LIKE THIS. YOU HAVE TO MAKE HER WANT TO SPEAK ABOUT IT. OFFER REWARDS FOR HER DOING THIS. REWARDS COULD BE A LOOK OR A SMILE, A TOUCH OR A HUG.


Anyhow I do not have time to think up 100 sex conversation starters for you, you can think them up and write them out for yourself. But you get the general idea. If you make conversations with sex both pleasant and fulfilling you will gradually draw her toward you in that area and increase her comfort in talking about sex. More and more she will be comfortable talking about sex. This should translate over into improvements in the bedroom.

But not all at once, it will take months to break both your bad neglectful frozen conversation techniques regarding talking about sex.

At this time, the sex talk is fraught with bad feelings so it is no wonder she does not want to talk about it. There are failed expectations between you two revolving around sex issues in the marriage. Probably even conversing with sex brings up a lot of guilt, shame, anger, hurt, hostility and dissapoinment. If talking about sex makes you feel bad for any reason, you will want to avoid talking about it.

There are many categories and levels of "feeling bad about sex" which would freeze out any conversations about it. Yet all these could be overcome by good (in fact, perfect) conversation techniques.

Here are some things that could be affecting or blocking or getting in the way of good conversations about sex.

1. Her (bad or good) feelings about sex
2. Your feelings about sex and rejection
3. Her rejection of you sexually
4. Unexpressed hostility
5. Low self esteem
6. Bad coping devices like ignoring things
7. Her past sexual experiances
8. Your past sexual experiances
9. How neither one feels like there is any posibility of sucess
10. How the other parts of your lives fit (her overspending, etc)
11. The trust factors
12. How close your hearts are to one another
13. How openly you converse about other things
14. Bad general dynamics of your marriage
15. The lack of positives in your marriage
16. The weakness or strength of your love for one another
17. The lack of respect for one another
18. The personal fortitude, or lack of,that you have to persist with this
19. The desire, or lack of....to learn to express your needs to one another
20. The desire or lack of.... to have better conversations
21. The lack of time you spend learning how to properly converse
22. The X factor in your marriage
23. Underlying feelings/thoughts that are unexpressed
24. Actually how good or bad the sex really is....


There is so much more, I should write a book. I hope you can try this approach HOLD, you need to have a PLAN and start to approach this from a larger point of view.

The other way I have thought of is if you would FIRST learn to converse WELL ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE besides sex. You could then lay the groundwork or BRIDGE between you two and increase your abilities to simply converse. Once you have laid enough of that good groundwork which includes great conversation in other areas of your marriage, then you could introduce the sex talk. That is yet another of the 100 ways to approach this.

If you think BY SIMPLY asking her to talk about sex,,,,that this will ever work, you are wrong.

You have to be so much more skilled and sophistocated and know what is "actually going on" in your marriage, with your and her feelings, and with your lives, that prevent good conversations NOW ....before you will even be able to approach this delicate sophistocated and complex issue..... properly.

Sexual conversations are both "the touchiest" and yet the "most wonderful" of any conversations in marriage. You have to work up slowly and carefully to these. You have to learn good approaches to all your marital conversing but especially in this area.

YOU CAN DO THIS, but it is way more complex than you think.

Last edited by Bubbles4U; 10/28/09 10:24 AM.