Originally Posted by LovingAnyway
And through her, you truly can transcend your patterns...come to peace, joy and happiness. She's your ultimate path.
Believe it or not.

I do believe it. As to both of us. We could heal each other.

I simply no longer believe that success is possible. Personal. Professional. Marital. I don't bother trying, so failure is assured. But it is a comforting failure. A chosen failure.

I might some day choose to forgive Mrs. Hold. I will never forgive myself for quitting. At life.

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You didn't hear her ask you back, tell you she wanted you back in your shared bed...

Of course she wants me back. I understand she wants us to be together. ON HER TERMS. Just as I want us back together on my terms. We are the same. As you say, well matched.

Neither of us is willing to POJA. That is why I was so shocked last week when we did POJA on her getting her medicine. We simply do not negotiate. One or the other of us capitulates. I am sure I will capitulate on returning to the bed. And I will resent her. And I will resent me. And stay in my comfort zone.

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I believe you're in this marriage because Mrs Hold really is the one you want to lead you out of this pattern; if she's the cause, she's the cure...the control of it. We make it into a hidden mandate...which transforms our best chance for growth into our best bet for continued rejection.

I agree she could be the cure. As I could be hers. However, neither of us will ever choose to be so gracious to the other. Hence the need for us to split.

I understand that her rejecting me comes from pain and fear. And that her life experience makes it difficult for her to leave herself vulnerable to me. And that I should reach beyond the rejection to the part of her that loves me.

It is too late for that. Perhaps if she had been honest sooner I would have been of a mind to try. At this point I am perfectly willing for the scared lonely abused traumatized little girl to continue cowering in the corner. It is what I have been doing my whole life. I am not motivated to help her climb the steps out of the dank cold dark basement. Rather, I am pleased to have some company down here.

I don't think anyone has to worry that I will look down from Heaven with regret or that God is celebrating anything about me. I may have regrets, but I will be looking up from below.

When you can see it coming, duck!