My intention? To continue to make bad choices to punish myself for my past bad choices. To live with my mental illness, rather than to seek a cure. After all, I think we can agree I must have a mental illness if my intention is to spend the rest of my life punishing myself for being a nerd.

Do I hate me, or hate my choices? I think I truly hate me. I am so ashamed of who I am. Not just the choices. I hate my body. Even though I have been blessed (so far) with relatively good health and functionality my entire life. I focus on what I lack rather than what I have been blessed with. I hate that I am short. I hate that my son is short in large part because of the genes he inherited from me. I hate my face. I hate my private parts. I am a walking bundle of hate. Sometimes I wonder how I even get out of bed in the morning. Then I realize that I get out of bed to go to a job I dislike to punish myself further.

I hate how much I hate myself. I hate that I am not prepared to do anything to change that. And I hate that I am so afraid that I prefer to live in misery rather than doing something to work toward happiness.

Do I hate me? Yes, I honestly believe that I do.