Hi, Hold. We've only corresponded a couple of times, but, I follow your sitch regularly. Just wanted to throw out a couple of ramblings.

I've seen you frequently state how much you hate yourself and for how long. I just have to ask: Why?

It seems to me you're a pretty decent guy. You certainly love your family. You work hard in a vocation where you're unhappy in order to provide for your household. I would say you're loyal to the point of your own detriment. You're not malicious, vengeant, or mean. You practice faith. You have great perseverance.

Personally, I believe you'd rather hurt yourself than hurt someone else. You actually care about others that much. At the very least, you maintain a pleasant demeanor because you don't want to manifest your unhappiness on those who are not the cause of it.

So, I've a notion that all this self-hate you carry is from:

1. Feeling guilty or ashamed that you're angry at someone who you believe you shouldn't have anger for.

2. Having anger that you know is reasonable, but you believe, either from experience or intuition, that expressing it dangerous.

3. Fear that if you start expressing your anger, you'll lose control and it will come out as an uncontrolled torrent, possibly with grave consequences.

Does any of that ring true?

One of my favorite sayings is:
"The definition of stress is having to restrain oneself from beating the crap out of someone who desperately deserves it."

I'm not saying we should go out and start pounding on people. But I am saying that chronically, acutely suppressing our feelings is detrimental to the point of being unhealthy.

I've lived these experiences and still do; I would bet you are, too.

Maybe we shouldn't be asking how to change ourselves, and we know better than to ask how to change others. Maybe the real questions should be:

1. How do we make peace with being angry at those we don't want to be angry with?

2. How can we properly express anger in situations where we believe it is dangerous to do so?

3. How can we express our anger and still maintain control of ourselves and our emotions?

If I can learn the answer to those questions, my life will improve by orders of magnitude. I'd bet yours would, too, Hold.

'Reckon that's about enough out of me for now.