Originally Posted by chewing.on.tin.foil
So, I've a notion that all this self-hate you carry is from:

1. Feeling guilty or ashamed that you're angry at someone who you believe you shouldn't have anger for.

2. Having anger that you know is reasonable, but you believe, either from experience or intuition, that expressing it dangerous.

3. Fear that if you start expressing your anger, you'll lose control and it will come out as an uncontrolled torrent, possibly with grave consequences.

1. I believe that this behavior roots from childhood. Perhaps he was feeling angry at someone and was made to feel bad about it.

But a child will create coping mechanism and behavior that shapes toward putting toxic shame on himself when he feels that anger, and suppresses that feeling so that he will be likable and lovable.

This coping mechanism prevails throughout his life because he does not know better, nor realize that "feeling angry" is ok, and he has a right to feel anything he wants. That is far different from the "actions" he does when he is feeling angry.

2. The second point pretty much supports that the learned coping mechanism. A child would not know the difference of feeling, expressing feeling, versus acting towards that feeling. An adult would.

3. I think that fear of losing control is a false belief. I think deeper in his psyche, if he expressed his anger, he is thinking that will make him a person not worthy of love and care. I think that psyche is of the child and that fears still lingers despite that fact that the adult logic can assess how he can control himself and not let his emotions run wild just by expressing he is angry.

Originally Posted by chewing.on.tin.foil
1. How do we make peace with being angry at those we don't want to be angry with?

2. How can we properly express anger in situations where we believe it is dangerous to do so?

3. How can we express our anger and still maintain control of ourselves and our emotions?

1. How? By believing that you as a human have the right to "feel" what you are feeling. Feelings come and go. You can feel happy, or sad. And you can certainly feel mad.

Just look at the pre-school TV show "Ni Hao Kailan." My D4 asks, "Daddy are you happy, sad or mad?" It is ok to feel these.

2. The trepidation of losing control is a concern. That's why there is anger management specialists. But this fear should not be the inhibitor of expressing anger. Expressing anger can be done in productive ways. Saying it without really expecting a respond works. Yelling inside a car works. If you need further physical exertion, there's a gym.

-- Still JM --

Met `82, Steady May`86, Married Jul`95. D12, S9, D3. MB`ing since Apr`02 to fall back "in love."

05.20.06: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right."