Originally Posted by LovingAnyway
If you're not being open and honest on a monthly basis about the finances, she may be assuming the finances are better than you say they are. Perhaps if she saw the actual numbers regularly she would realize how ridiculous it would be to approach you for more money.

I show her the numbers all the time. She is not interested in what is reasonable and what is ridiculous. Were you here when she asked me for more money one month and I laughed at the thought that we had any extra money and she got angry that I laughed?

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Hold, you didn't address if this was how you felt or not...that she will bring these ideas to you as if they are doable, when she knows they are not. My statement was a way to ask her what her pay off was in doing so. You seemed to flip it over onto her in your response.

That is something I can do. Ask her why she makes these requests. What is she hoping to accomplish. I predict she will answer "I want these things for our kids. Don't you?" When I point out I want them too, but we can't afford them, she will deflect / distract. We shall see how close my prediction comes to reality.

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And in your monthly budget, do you have a slot for each of the kids, to keep expenditures somewhat balanced? To show an annual total, as well, to make sure neither are consuming more than the other to a great degree?

Yes, I do. That is why I refuse to spend more on S15. We are already spending on the Bermuda trip. The next "slot" should go to D12.

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Would you consider having a marital slot in the budget, for UA time, marital vacation, separate from family vacation? Anniversaries?

No, I am not enthusiastic about that. I am not interested in more UA time, marital vacations, or costly celebrations of our anniversary. BTDT, and my needs were never addressed. Not going back there. I know our marriage has no chance of happiness without those things. Hence my prediction that our marriage will never be happy.

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Why not move the boundary, Hold? When she comes to you, before you hear her out, ask her, "I'd love to hear your ideas for our kids education, entertainment, events (insert appropriate one). What I will no longer do is listen to them until you've checked our financials...gone over our current spreadsheet. Once you do that, I'm all ears."

This I can do as well.

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So, is part of what you experience when she does this feeling like a failure?

Yes, I feel like a failure when she asks for expensive items.

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Or does it just give you a big dose of resentment, where you weren't considered, who was left out, her using you to dash her dreams, again?

That too. Resentment. Left out. Especially if she mentions things to the kids before checking with me. I have asked her not to do this. She continues to do it anyway. Then I have to be the "bad guy" who says no to Mom's great idea. I hate that.

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False payoffs don't go just one way. Or else we'd stop doing the dance.

I am sure she gets payoffs or she would stop doing it. I have stopped hoping that I can get her to give up the unhealthy payoffs.

After all, I am not willing to give them up, either.

When you can see it coming, duck!