I have been reading this thread, I think, forever. It whenever I get disguested, I get sucked back in...

First HOTI:
Your wife is a compulsive spender. (yeah, I think) She thougth she was marrying an ATM. Just like an alcholoic who thinks they have keys to the bar- Or a gambler who gets "mad money" at a casino- Or a non compliant diabetic in a candy store, You can not give the addict free reign.

You can not say, " How MUCH alcohol should I let my addict have per day?" The answer is ZERO.
The gambler -- NO CARDS
The diabetic -- NO raw sugar.
(believe me, my 49 year old diabetic sister sits there with no teeth in her head gobbeling on candy- all - the - time.)

and the compulsive spender-- NO BUDGET.

Your wife HAS a problem. She has commited theft and fraud, she would have gone to jail if she did these things at work! This is the first indication that she is an addict.

And she is in full swing addictive mode, still.

Sorry, HOTI, but you are the reason she still can.
Someday you will be divorced, or worse not here and she WILL continue the spending habits (why wouldn't she? she got away with it for years and years.?)

I have no idea how compulsive spenders recieve recovery- but I know that they have programs for it. She is not happy spending- tho she looks like it to you-

You are miserable. Your family is in chaos. The best thing you could do for yourself or her is to get her to stop the addiction.

Locate information on rehab for spending. Is there any way that there can be an intervention? Apparently your W thinks there is nothing wrong with her behavior.

There is help.
She can no make up what she has destroyed. Just like an alcohole can not "fix" things they have destroyed. But they can start over.