Originally Posted by LovingAnyway
I think making that boundary, that you won't engage discussion until she's reviewed the financial limitations is reasonable and respectful. As well as saying, "I believe you tell yourself you ask because you want it for one or both of our kids. I choose not to believe you anymore. I know you know we cannot do it all...and we don't sit down and enthusiastically agree ahead of time what we are able to do, equally, for our kids...and I know you won't hold yourself to not asking above and beyond what we agree to, either. I know you can work and make more happen for our kids. I'll believe you really want this for our kids when you make the money to pay for them."

Wow. That is golden.

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you still did not answer if historically, you felt like a failure when she would bring requests you couldn't afford to provide.

Yes, I feel like a failure when she ask for things I cannot afford. I feel the same way when my kids express desire for things I can't afford. It is part and parcel of my shame-based existence.

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Do you refuse to not do that which you will resent?
No.

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Or do you refuse to not agree to anything either of you aren't enthusiastic about?

No, I will keep agreeing to things I resent.

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which was to keep hating yourself and loving your kids...and surviving your wife for another six years.

Exactly.

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So I hear you definitively saying that you will NOT allow any of your ENs to be met within the Union, doing acts of love for the Union...and that you focus on getting yours addressed separately from The Marriage.

Well, I don't really expect my needs to get met at all. But to the extent they do get met, then yes, I expect they will get met separately from The Marriage.

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Whoa. You want money spent on you, for you, for IB, to harm the marriage...to feed yourself what you are choosing to deprive yourself of within the marriage. How on earth do you do that emotional math?

It is easy. I was a math major. When things don't seem to add up, just add another dimension. wink

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Which is why they are crazy about you.

S15 had trouble getting up this morning. His Mom said "from now on, you must go to sleep earlier". He replied "but that is when Dad comes to my room (after his homework is done), and I like him coming to my room, and I don't want to kick him out".

So he does love me. And enjoys time with me. But I guess Dad will have to be the mature one and get out of his room earlier on weeknights.

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And saying a healthy "no" to your wife--maybe that's why you won't do it from love and respect...she, too, might become crazy about you.

Nah, no worries there. Our cooktop is dying. Down to 2 working coils. So for Hanukah, I decided to get Mrs. Hold a new cooktop. Found one very reasonably priced on Ebay. Won the auction last night. She was SO THRILLED this morning. She was literally jumping with joy. The only way she is happy with me is when I buy her something expensive. Makes me want to puke.

Which is OK. The only time I was thrilled with her was when she had sex with me. Which made her want to puke. So we are even.

Except that sex with her no longer thrills me. So there is no longer any way for her to motivate me to be thrilled with her. Which eliminates any interest I might have in motivating her to be thrilled with me.

LA, I don't want her to be crazy about me. I don't want her to love me. I want her to lust after me. And if she won't / can't (which seems to be the case), then I want her to hate me. As much as I hate her for not lusting after me. And as much as I hate myself for not being the object of her lust.

When you can see it coming, duck!