I wouldn't guess God. He's at work, with purpose and love.

Wouldn't it be terrifying if God wouldn't heal us until we earned his healing? What if he waited until we went first?

Even as you deny yourself joy, intimacy, harmony and fulfillment, so do you deny God. For he weeps when we weep, remember? Feels joy as we feel joy...in our relationship with him, he feels...

Can you imagine your children filled with such self-hatred, these wonderful creations of yours? To me, disappointment doesn't come close.

Old territory...I know. Already shared the impact of my previous self-hatred and how the consequences keep coming...and will come...not in my control.

It's like you both have discovered you have this disease and you stand looking at the other, the cure, and refusing it. You can't choose for her...

what is at the heart of this thread is your choice to not heal, anyway.

Healing enough to see you weren't worthy of hate at any time...all along. Just chose to experience life as if you were.

Unfathomable to me why when you knew better you chose not to do better. To reject joy (as you did this morning with your gift), to reject reality, to suppose it instead...

just so you can keep experiencing rejection with every breath.

I would love MrsHold to be brave and strong right now, come to MB, and hear if she is choosing not to heal, for those same reasons, too.

In the habit of pain...lots of threads here on MB about that habit, breaking it, changing marriages and lives. Different ways. So many choices.

My prayer remains constant...for your marriage to experience a clean slate, a rebirth, when you realize you fulfill your fears and they are still not real.

Inflecting more pain on yourself and your marriage when you fear pain is irrational...just shows you that's not what you really fear.

So rejection isn't what you fear (because you engineer it). So, is it to be loved, accepted and respected? Do you fear that? Because that's out of your control...always has been...others choose...and so many love, accept and respect who you are.

Do you fear loving, accepting and respecting yourself? Like a misstep you might accidentally take?

I'd have to consider Satan's work of tempting you to keep yourself in chains for he has a huge fear of you, if you break free.