Originally Posted By: holdingontoit
Sorry for all the victim puke.

Every day I am torn. Split down the middle. Part of me wants to love my wife. To reach out for her. To cuddle with her. To share my life intimately.

Part of me is afraid. Of rejection. Of not being rejected. I want to hug her. But I fear rejection. I want to have sex with her. But I fear not only rejection, but inability to perform. So I do not ask. I stay away from the bedroom until long after she is asleep. Or I climb into bed but stay far away on my side.

Meanwhile, every fibre of my being cries out to reach for her. While every ounce of my willpower holds me immobile.

It is a constaint strain. A constant tension. It is wearing me down. Exhausting me. Tearing me apart.

Some days are better than others. SOme days I can function. Some days I can't. Too often I come here to vent when the pressure gets too much for me.

I shouldn't take this out on you guys. Thank you for listening to my ravings.


Hold,

I so know that feeling and fearing rejection. But I was wrong in my thinking and belief in that regard, and those fears were mostly based on how I was not accepting of myself, including my flaws, and imperfection.

One of the points in NMMNG was being int he mindset of I as an adult person has absolute control of what I want and what I choose to believe in my life. First, it is ok to be me, just the way I am. Be it horny and wanting sex, be it believing in a sexually fulfilling marriage, be it conservative in financial matters, be it heavier in weight to the so called ideal weight. These are all my choices for me.

Now as far as "fearing" rejection in sex with the wife. This was a struggle for me to get off that thinking. I told thw fei how I felt, and her answer was that she was not rejecting me, it is not me, it is her. She don't feel like it, she is tired, etc. Even though I hear her, I still felt and took it as a personal rejection. WHY?

WHY? The answer NMMNG gave to me were Abundance, and Validation. Sex was not in abundance in my thinking, simply because I "let go" of the responsibility of meeting that need by my wife. Healthy Masturbation (HM) solves the "scarcity" of sex.

There was a point where I thought that HM was not right in the M, but that thinking was leading me in the position of entitlement and expectation. I also had feelings of "toxic shame" or some semblance of "failure" when I had to resort to HM to get sex in my marriage. But going back to the original point in NMMNG, "I am the only person in this world responsible for meeting my needs." This was against my belief in marriage, because I "expected" and felt "entitled" that sex will happen in the marriage.

I remove that expectation and entitlement. I introduce abundance via HM. And what sex happens in my marriage, is from my choice, and her choice. It is what makes the marriage. I let her know how I feel, and what I want, but it is her choice to meet my needs. I am no longer dependent on anyone to meet my sexual needs. It removes my effort "to try and fix" and instead focus my effort on improving myself and "let the marriage grow."

That said, there are still times that I fall into the "spiral thinking of withdrawing and brooding and feeling depressed and generating resentment." It is my right to "feel" any of those. And I find ways to express them. And I also know that my feelings change, so I find ways to cope and consciously put my effort to feel something more positive. Or enforce and remind myself that "I am ok just the way I am."

I also had to start believing and living that "I am a likable and lovable" person. I was always my harshest critique, because I was a perfectionist and put higher standards for myself. I felt such a failure despite many accomplishments, and many goals achieved. I was not "content" with myself despite the fact that my kids are thrilled with the time and effort and attention I give to them.

During one of those radical honest conversations I have with my wife, we told each other what we appreciate from our spouse, and my wife said a litany of things that I do and don't think much of them because "I expected them". But she said that those are likable and lovable qualities, and when I do go in that withdrawal and brooding mode, my wife told me it is as she is punishing them (her and the kids).

After that, I realize that I do not need to hear such appreciation and gratitude "to feel good, to feel appreciated." I have the ability to self-gratitude because I know what I do not just for myself, but for my wife and kids. Many call it ego, and I realize that many people can't handle my ego--but I think it is healthy for my sake and my marriage and my family to live in the mindset that I am worthy and those around me are blessed to have me in their life.

I use to have thoughts just as you are now Hold. How much a failure I was, how unlovable and unlikable and unworthy I am. I navel gazed and realizes that those list of expectations I had for myself needed to be re-examined by my adult self. Meaning, that I have the power to choose which values and beliefs I want in my life from today and the rest of my life.

So I chose to "lead" my life as how I defined it. How I chose which values are for me and which beliefs are not for me. And lead I do, and my wife chooses to follow. It's her choice.


-- Still JM --

Met `82, Steady May`86, Married Jul`95. D12, S9, D3. MB`ing since Apr`02 to fall back "in love."

05.20.06: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right."