Thanks Jayne. Everything is relative. I understand I am seeking secondary payoffs, which is not healthy. Last night I played Call of Duty until very late. In the kitchen on the new HDTV I got Mrs. Hold for her birthday. Well, at least that is the cover story. We all know I really got it so I could play PS3 on it. But Mrs. Hold asked several times for a new tv for the kitchen and the old one made a funny buzzing noise that annoyed her as well as being 30 years old and huge and analog and ugly so she is happy to tell herself I got the tv for her. And I got a combo tv/dvd player so she (who watches hundreds of netflix) can watch her DVDs while cooking for the kids without a separate box and more wires cluttering up the kitchen.

Mrs. Hold spent the evening after the kids went to bed alone in our bedroom. She would prefer me to be there. She would prefer I spend time with her rather than the PS3. She would prefer that I make moves on her when I buy her a present so she can consent to sex and then tell herself she is being a good wife. I prefer that things not be arranged the way she prefers.

So for now I choose PS3 and living in denial to working on myself for a better life and a better marriage. I tell myself there is no possibility for improvement. And I am proved correct. I understand it is unhealthy to take more satisfaction from being "right" about my failure than from trying to be successful. But for now, that is how I choose to behave.


Not everyone who knows about MB fixes their marriages. I find going through life noseless (or more correctly, with less and less nose as I slice parts off) is less painful than what it was like constantly trying and failing to improve my marriage. If anyone is going to cut slivers off my body on a daily basis, I prefer it be me!