Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 29 of 91 1 2 27 28 29 30 31 90 91
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
Another way to do pullups, too: get a resistance band and sling it over something high and sturdy--placing a hook high on a wall will work, if you don't wish to tempt a drapery rod or ceiling fan. Then you pull DOWN, instead of pulling yourself UP. Works the same. Our routine involves a lot of pull-ups, and I do mine on the bowflex, pulling down.



Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
Yes, I just recently heard someone point that out as well - not just the humans, but I think all the animals in the beginning of Genesis were vegetarians/vegans, as in, only eating plants.

Another interesting observation: it was after they ate the forbidden fruit that animals were first killed for clothing.

(ETA: Although I just noticed, "Abel kept flocks." And apparently killed them also.)

Last edited by jayne241; 01/12/10 06:04 PM.

me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
Originally Posted by jayne241
Another interesting observation: it was after they ate the forbidden fruit that animals were first killed for clothing.

I gotta wonder about the first person who said, "Hm, check out that cow. I think I wanna wear that." lol

I also recently read that humans are the only species that drink the milk of other species. And I thought, it's not that we're the only ones who DO, it's that we're the only ones who CAN. laugh


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
Actually, that isn't true, about humans being the only species.

Ants "milk" aphids.

For real! laugh

(Also, barn cats won't turn away from a squirt!)

(Although your statement reminds me of a quote I thought was attributed to Mark Twain: "Humans are the only animals who cry... or need to."

Last edited by jayne241; 01/12/10 06:12 PM.

me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 688
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 688
Hold,

Has she looked at that xp90 or whatever? That is based on the crossfit, and is actually crossfit in a box.

I have one friend that felt he had to buy a package. He was really trimming dow, but stubbed his toe and even though it's healed now he hasn't resumed the workouts or diet. His poor W wants him to slim down for attraction and health.

Joined: May 2008
Posts: 429
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 429
Hi Jayne, I think the Mark Twain quote is "Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to."

Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
I'm doing P90X, and it's awesome. Easy to adjust to skill level.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 688
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 688
cwm,

THATS CROSSFIT!

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
*blushes*, that's right!!!

blush


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
She wouldn't want to do P90X unless she could find a group to join her. She likes the camaraderie of going to the gym and seeing familiar faces. It is part of her ritual. And helps her motivate. Thanks for the suggestion though.

Might work for me!


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
This is where we are. Look at the following e-mail exchange:

Message #1:
From: Sears <sears@sears.com>
To: Holdingontoit
Sent: Tue, Jan 12, 2010 9:08 am
Subject: Don't wait another minute! Come find your right bra size at Sears Bra Fitting Event

Message #2:
From: Holdingontoit
To: Mrs. Hold
Sent: Tue, Jan 12, 2010 6:10 pm
Subject: Fwd: Don't wait another minute! Come find your right bra size at Sears Bra Fitting Event

Somehow I think the wrong one of us got this message. Otherwise, I need to go on a strict diet to reduce my man-boobs!

Message #3:
From: Mrs. Hold
To: Holdingontoit
Sent: Tue, Jan 12, 2010 7:10 pm
Subject: Re: Don't wait another minute! Come find your right bra size at Sears Bra Fitting Event

I LUV your man-boobs smile


If we were getting along well. With positive love bank balances. I would feel loved by receiving that message. But in my current state of withdrawal. I feel nothing. Except a vague sense of regret that I don't feel anything positive. I feel so lonely. Which is all in my head. But not lonely enough to change my behavior.

Mrs. Hold was pleasant last night when I first came home. But snippy later after I played PS3 in the kitchen. She wants me to come be with her. But doesn't want to have to ask for it. Just like me and sex. We are so well matched to drive each other crazy! Unfortunately, not in a good way.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
She's tossing stones into the creek. Not enough yet to be visible from the surface...

... but if you don't purposefully kick them away, they may accumulate.


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 5,234
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 5,234
I we were getting along well. With positive love bank balances. I would feel loved by receiving that message. But in my current state of withdrawal. I feel nothing. Except a vague sense of regret that I don't feel anything positive. I feel so lonely. Which is all in my head. But not lonely enough to change my behavior.

Hold...I think if you were in a true state of withdrawal, you might not even feel the regret. How much exclusive time do you spend with your wife - like maybe taking a walk and talking or sitting somewhere quiet with very little other distractions? Can you see yourself just doing this to do it and removing any pressure off yourself to feel anything? Stop analyzing how you feel? Just to see what happens after several attempts?


Sooly

"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

Me 47
DH 46
Together for 28 years.
Married 21 years.
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,772
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,772
T/J (sorry)

My trainer just told me she uses a lot of the Crossfit program as well as the P90X stuff.

I'm thinking about ordering the P90X.

Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 688
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 688
Hold,

I'm there with you. Complements don't go very far.

OH,

Don't waste your money on the p90x. Buy a pull up bar, jump robe and a 10lb kettle ball and you'll be set to do the body weight xfit and you can scale down or up, unless you feel you "need" a program, just hate to see people do that when xfit is free.

If you do buy the p90x, don't just follow it for 90 days, cycle through it again once you are done etc.

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,772
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,772
Mud:

I've got a bunch of questions. I dont' want to hijack Hold's thread. I will post in "Other Topics" in a bit...ok? I'll put your name in the thread title.

Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 688
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 688
OK,

Hold, do you think W would have had SF with you then? I know that exercise can increase ones testosterone even in women, which might increase their libido. Thoughts?

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Originally Posted by Soolee
How much exclusive time do you spend with your wife - like maybe taking a walk and talking or sitting somewhere quiet with very little other distractions? Can you see yourself just doing this to do it and removing any pressure off yourself to feel anything? Stop analyzing how you feel? Just to see what happens after several attempts?

I currently spend almost zero time alone with my wife in recreational activities. Am I willing to spend more time with her? No. Hurts too much when it does not lead to sex. I understand that I am DJing my wife. I am predicting that she has not changed and will not change and that my past experience will be repeated. I understand it is possible we might spend time together and she might react differently than she did in the past. I am not willing to take the risk that she won't. I am confortable in my Withdrawal.

Which is exactly where I am. Unwilling to move to the state of Conflict. If I were willing to spend time with her and then attempt to POJA more sex, that would create Conflict.

I insist that she Plan A me. She meet my needs. With no expectation of immediate reciprocation. In the hope that I will eventually choose to meet her needs in return. Not POJA, where I brainstorm and negotiate ways for both of us to be enthusiastic currently. I am not going to be enthusiastic about having to "earn" SF.

I know that is not how Dr. Harley says it works. Eliminate LBs. Work to meet her needs. And the sex will follow. Not for us. Not after 8 years of counselling and me working to meet her needs and getting nothing in return. Either she shows herself willing to provide SF whether or not her needs are getting met or I continue to play PS3.

The good news is that I am getting older. My sex drive is way down. I don't miss it as much. I still hold it against her that it doesn't happen more often. But the absence is not as debilitating. I used to play computer games and spend much of the time fretting about the lack of sex. The games were not sufficiently distracting. Now I play PS3 for hours and I do not give a single thought to Mrs. Hold or to sex.

In the past I missed her and reached out to her and got rejected. Now, she comes to visit me at the console and I am curt with her. These days, I prefer the "sure thing" of rejecting her to the risky and messy process of negotiating to get my needs met. I still don't get my needs met. But at least I don't get overtly rejected.

My "game plan" is to wait until the kids are grown. Then give our marriage another chance. At that point she could not hold custody of the kids over my head. So I can see myself negotiating on a more level playing field.

I understand by ignoring her I am taking the chance that she will choose to divorce me before the kids leave. I see that as a very low risk. I don't totally ignore her. We talk every day. I bought her the cooktop and the new tv. It is just at night after the kids are asleep that I avoid being alone with her in the bedroom. I don't imagine she will hold that against me enough to divorce over.

Originally Posted by themud
Hold, do you think W would have had SF with you then? I know that exercise can increase ones testosterone even in women, which might increase their libido. Thoughts?

I was at the office and she was home. No opportunity for sex. Do I think she might have more sex with me than in the past because she exercises more? Maybe. Am I willing to "woo" her in the hopes she will? No. I am done with wooing her. BTDT. Have the scars and burn marks to prove it. At this point she needs to woo me.

She gets the paycheck married or divorced. She wants the time and attention, she needs to show that she can reliably meet my need for SF. Otherwise, she can take her ENs and do whatever she wants with them. But don't bring them to me.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
I have been reading the recent posts on themud's thread. Several women have said "you need to make it safe for her, she can sense your resentment, and it prevents her from feeling safe".

In my case, that is the whole point. I am NOT safe for Mrs. Hold. I want and need sex. When there is no SF, I resent her. I am not going to stop feeling that way unless and until my need for SF has been met consistently and abundantly for a significant period of time. If our SF depends on her feeling safe with me, there will never be SF between us. I guess I do not love her enough to make it safe for her.

Maybe if we had worked this out earlier in our marriage I could have given her the time and space to feel safe without pressure from me for sex. But we are long past that. I want sex and I want it now and I don't care whether that puts pressure on her or makes her feel unsafe. She can feel safe later.

Which is why I feel we are incompatible. She is a rape victim. I know her need for safety is even stronger than for other women. And the requirement for me to be safe even more important. And I can no longer be that for her.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 699
B
bjs Offline
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 699
Hold,

my heart does hurt for you and themud, however I think you guys can make it, cause you keep trying.

couple questions for you if you don't mind.

If you wife agrees to having sex with you, do you want to have sex when she is feeling resentful towards you??

When she is angry with you??

When she is hurt by something you have said??

When she feels she has to because its one of your EN??

Because it's the only way to save your marriage according to you at this point in time??

Page 29 of 91 1 2 27 28 29 30 31 90 91

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 934 guests, and 61 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy, Ingrid Guerci, Wifey02
71,826 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5