veejay,

Seeing SF as the EN of one spouse is the basis for resentment at having to serve that need unwillingly. Feeling entitled to SF can create resentment over having such an important need ignored.

Changing the normal reaction to being rejected from hurt expressed as anger is important, not just for the outward effect on the relationship, but also in changing one's attitude towards the sexual relation from SF of an EN to something on a higher level.

For most men, SF is not different than for women because they are genetically wired to procreate, to become aroused more quickly, and that means they usually have a higher sex drive than their wives. But men have the same underlying source of sexual feelings for their wives that wives have for their husbands: affection, trust and security. This is love, and the sexual act is about expressing this affection for his wife, and about receiving love from his wife. The hormonal component of libido is so strong that it often overpowers these emotions in men, and their wives see only the physical side of sex.

Most women who refuse to engage in sexual relations and play also are unaffectionate and even practice love busters such as insults, demeaning comments, and independent behavior. All this sends a message to her husband that she does not love him, and she cannot be trusted.

The danger in getting enough self-control over denial of SF to not express anger or resentment is that this is a behavior of distancing. It cannot help restore romantic love, unless the wife realizes what is going on, ceases her LBs, and expresses affection through conversation, UA time and recreation with her husband in order to send signals to him that she wants to connect and restore the relationship. Otherwise, he will just be harboring and building resentment, or shutting down the rest of his feelings for her.