Got through the week. Made dinner from scratch twice. Did all the laundry so Mrs. Hold came back to all clean clothes (except the ones in her suitcase). Updated schedule "on the fly" as several activities arose at the last minute. Could not do this every week because it cut into work time too much. But proud of myself for her absence causing the kids so little change to their schedules.

Mrs. Hold thanked me on her return for the house not being a total disaster. She was even willing to spoon when we got to bed, something she never permitted earlier in our marriage and which I sorely missed. I liked it. Did not feel bitter that it did not lead to sex. But did not feel connected, either.

Over the weekend, I realized how my life is not as I want it in many ways. My fault for not doing better at work. And my fault for giving in too easily to Mrs. Hold's preferences.

We almost never have any adults over for dinner. I would like to entertain more often. But Mrs. Hold refuses. She is embarrassed that our house is not fancier. She is embarrassed that we cannot afford to serve fancy food. I remember during one MC sesison the counsellor said "if you make rack of lamb with doilies on the bones every time, people wont' invite you over because they can't or won't reciprocate. Sometime you need to serve hot dogs or spaghetti or pizza so people can feel comfortable."

Sunday night we went for Indian food because D12 was at the synchro meet. So we went for a cuisine she can't eat (allergies). Of course, Mrs. Hold prefers the most expensive Indian restaurant in town. Yes, the plates and napkins are lovely. But every dish is several dollars more than the other places. I am tired of POJAing what we can and cannot afford. I am sure she is tired of POJAing and not being able to afford what she wants.

I need to live my life. If we cannot reach POJA as to what to do, well, then I guess we will drift further apart. We would probably both be happier with different partners.

We started talking about her parents and how they relate. How her mother reacted to her father having surgery and then having cardiac problems and being in ICU. Apparently her mother withdrew into herself and was not able to be as supportive as Mrs. Hold thought was appropriate. Mrs. Hold said she would be there for me. She said we are going to grow old and wrinkled together. That she is not done with me.

I imagine I will like that when the time comes. I'm just not enthused about having to live through the time between now and then. She is saying everything that I would want my wife to say. But I don't feel good about it. I don't feel loved. Probably because I don't love myself.

Just more rambling eeyore thoughts. Wishing everyone a happy Monday.