hope=pain
I totally get what you're saying, Hold.
You know, sometimes I actually DO feel better when I know something I've done makes H unhappy. His actions seem to deliberately make me unhappy, so if I do something to make him happy, I feel like he got the better of it.
Take fighting, for instance.
For the sake of the children, I try to avoid conflicts, which means avoiding conversations, with H. When a few weeks go by, and there have been no "conflicts," H is quite happy. He tells our MC that "things are getting better."
But in fact, from my perspective, they've only gotten worse. I've had to stifle all the things I want to say, just to avoid any fights. (full disclosure: I'm usually the one who loses her cool) So, every day that goes by without a fight makes H happier, and every day that goes by without a fight means another day I've choked down all my anger, so I feel worse.
When we eventually DO have a fight, and that is always inevitable, I think, deep down, I actually feel a sense of relief, that H is finally feeling some of the pain I'm feeling.
What a sick and twisted relationship I have!!!! Dang, it sounds even worse when I write about it