Mrs. Hold and I went to dinner with friends of hers from college Friday night. Saturday night we went to a party for a friend's child. Friday Mrs. Hold had 2 glasses of wine. When we got home, she asid "don't come near me or I'll puke on you." So I went and played PS3.

Saturday when the dj played a song I like I put my hand gently on the small of her back and nudged her toward to dance floor. She snapped "don't push me, I hate that". I replied "of course you don't, God forbid you should ever do anything I want". I know, bad Hold, not a loving response. Should have said "Good to know. I will never nudge you again."

Today I called her from work (got here early and computer froze twice so accomplished nothing from 6 to 8 am - argh) to tell her I sent the fax she asked me to send. Just a quick FYI. She wanted to stay on the phone longer. I cut her off. I got huge pleasure from cutting her off. She was asking for more connection. Emotional connection. More time being the object of my attention. I enjoyed rejecting her. After all the times she rejected me. It is a joy to turn the tables on her.

I know that is a bad secondary payoff. And I should strive to reach a win-win for both of us. But I do not believe a win-win is achievable. I do not believe my needs will ever get met. So I settle for emotional junk food.