I did nudge thoughtlessly. The memory that she dislikes nudging was wholly absent from my consciousness when I nudged her. Hopefully, her complaint will burn it more fully into my consciousness so I do not do it thoughtlessly in the future.

So the song starts. And I want to dance. I know she does not want to grab her hand and drag her onto the dance floor. Or nudge her toward it. So I ask her politely. Without nudging. And see what she says. Hmmmm.

Tell her how much it would mean to me for her to say "yes, I would love to dance with you?"

Nah. Too vulnerable. I would rather be quietly and desperately miserable than give her the opportunity to reject me yet again. Next time, I hope I remember that she hates being nudged so I can walk away before I betray my thoughts and give her a chance to reject me again. I'd much rather reject myself than let her do it.


Erping???? Throwing up? No, no points for not throwing up on me. I'd rather she attempt sex and throw up than pre-emptively reject me.

I know how hard this is for her. That doesn't help me sympathize. It just convinces me that success is impossible so I might as well play video games and reject her as thoroughly as she rejects me.

She wanted a husband who does not press her for sex. Who is not constantly asking for sex. I told her years ago to be careful what she wished for - she might get it. Now she has it. Somehow I don't think it is as wonderful for her as she expected.


Fun? Fun in uncertainty? There is no fun in my life except when I am playing paintball or playing video games. There is certainly no fun that involves Mrs. Hold.

Years ago Starfish told me I need more fun in my life. Still relevant advice. Harley would say that fun should involve Mrs. Hold. Not. Going. To. Happen. Fun leads to desire. Desire leads to pain. Only way to avoid the pain is to forestall desire. There will be no fun involving Mrs. Hold.