I think you have fun with your kids...listening, being heard...the sharing...not an obvious kind of fun...and yet, if you really look at it, you experience the unknown each time you listen to them...there is a what next in their sharing...you already experience the unknown in that way, a tiny bit, with a precedent of safety, not rejection.

That's acceptable level of uncertainty to you. So is paintball and video games (you don't know what experience you'll have, how far you'll get...you do get the relief from distraction every single time, though, that cushion of distance, making time pass).

I know you had fun with you invited MrsHold to partake in SF twice in recent months...and had let go the response. Not vulnerable and not closed off...in between. I swear you had fun...and you did over the holidays in New York City...oh, and that was with MrsHold.

Your expectations lead to pain; they are premeditated resentments. Your experience varies.

Funny, though, how you forgot what was important to MrsHold (nudging), even though you knew it would ensure her rejection, how much she hates it, and yet, that didn't hit your radar. And you absolutely hated how much pain you felt when she did what you hated (spent anyway, promised and withheld sf, rejected your advances), didn't even hit her radar.

I think you lie to yourself so that fun does not lead to desire...and you have fun anyway (in ways you won't see). So you tell yourself you don't desire fun (in your formula) with MrsHold and assign it another name. You have companionship, a witness to you, who you are, right there by your side...and it's okay that you call her the enemy in your head, and sometimes in your actions...it's just another of many lies to yourself.

The biggest one is when you tell yourself all this is the truth.


PS...what, you don't use "erping" for throwing up in your world? Seems my boys and DH used that..."Wyatt Erping". I missed the part where you told her you wanted sf with her after the wine. Did you?