Originally Posted by Retread
I have to agree with DSD: hold, you continually sound like you have given up, so what are you wanting to happen?

I have given up. I am wanting life to be over. Don't worry, I won't kill myself. Don't have the guts. But I am not trying to live, either.

If all your problems were removed tonight, where would you be tomorrow?

If I hit the lottery, I would stay home and play video games all day. To distract myself from the pain. Or maybe finally get the ECT. If I didn't need to keep working, no reason not to take the chance of burning my brains out.

Again, I suggest reading, "The Exceptional Seven Percent". It's what marriage can be after you fix all the problems.

I am not interested in fixing the problems in my marriage. That would require me to do some work. To try. I would have to clean up my side of the street. I am not interested in cleaning up my side of the street. I live in bitterness and resentment and frustration and that is where I am confortable. I am not interested in becoming happy or satisfied. I am only interested in numb.

Melody, that is why I would not try a MB weekend or counselling with the Harleys. They will ask me to improve my behavior. That I refuse to do.

I am cutting off my nose to spite my face. And at this point, the behavior and neural pathways are so deeply embedded that I cannot imagine there is anything anyone, not even Mrs. Hold, could do to get me to stray from this path.

I don't FEEL anything except pain anymore. Had a nice weekend with my family. Felt nothing. Opportunities arise at work. I feel nothing except irritation. I just want everyone to go away and leave me alone. I do not get happy or excited about anything. Not even sex. There are times I sense I could get Mrs. Hold to consent if I "made a move" and I don't bother trying.

Like I said, I have given up.

When you can see it coming, duck!