Mrs. Hold tells me frequently that she wants to keep me around and she isn't done with me. I smile and say thank you. Because I know she means it as a compliment. That she isn't done sharing events and memories with me.

Then I leave the room and feel like puking. Because our marriage has mostly felt like torture and torment for me. She isn't done torturing and tormenting me? And she wants me to be happy about that?

It is like when someone is in the fog of an affair. And the WS rewrites history to say "I never really loved you. I was never happy in our marriage." That is how I feel. Not sure if it is accurate or a rewrite. But how to make it end? In affairs, the affair ends and the WS implements no contact and the fog lifts and they fall back in love with their spouse. But how do I end my affair? How do I get out of the fog where I keep telling myself I hate my wife and the marriage has been unhappy since our honeymoon?

How do I even know it IS a fog? I have felt this way consistently since I got here in 2002. I consistently told all our MC's I was unhappy starting in 1997. How do I know how much is fog and how much is simply consistently not getting my ENs met? I may not be trying to get my needs met now, but I was trying up until 2005 when we stopped MC. Do I have to go back to trying to get our of this fog? I can't imagine what would motivate me to do that.