Nothing. She had "girls night" on Saturday. They realized that they will all be turning 50 the same year (several years from now). They fantasized about a joint trip or joint party.

My 50th is before theirs. Mrs. Hold said something like "what are we doing for yours?" I said "nothing, and tell my mother too (God willing she will still be with us)". She said "yes, your mother will probably ask, and the kids will expect to do something, so we can't do nothing. But we can be much lower key than for your 40th."

I am not sure I want anything from Mrs. Hold for my 50th. Just not to spend too much between now and then and not make a big deal of it when it arrives. In prior years I would have asked for something sexual. Now I am ashamed to ask because even if she were willing I have no confidence I am able. And I would feel like a jerk for foisting myself on her so I would feel guilty afterward.

The only gift I want for my 50th is not to be so depressed and pessimistic. To feel like I have a reason to continue living. And that is a gift only I can give myself.