I've been trying to avoid MB lately, but for you, hold, I'll log on!


I had a feeling this was starting to happen! I think you planted a seed back when you shared with her how you were feeling about your M. I bet she's taking inventory, and is realizing that she's reached her overdraft limit with you. I bet she's realizing that life with you is better than life without you, after all.

I'm sorry to hear that you have probs at work now though. But like someone said, often when one area of your life starts to get a little better, it makes room for you to start worrying about other areas.

Yes, you CAN handle this most recent problem. I'm sure you've handled worse. Hopefully it isn't anything catastrophic, but even if the worst happened (getting fired?) I'm sure you could handle that as well.

At least you have your health and your kids, right?

Ok, so if being Eeyore feels comfortable and safe, how about getting into the habit of grousing about something more innocuous (would that make it "ocuous"?) like the yanks falling to the canucks? Or being outbid on ebay? Or maybe how you were passed over for the Nobel Peace Prize *again*?

You *can* handle this!

bjs...great to have you back on MB again.

What are some of the things you can ask your H about his statement? Does it sound to you like your feelings are important to him? That he fears your disapproval, fears screwing up, doing bad or wrong? That he fears irritating others, making them annoyed, dislike him?

Not blaming either of you...just knowing more...asking and hearing more...which means resentment can't be built up, can't give him his false comfort zone (those of us living through rejection can often justify rejecting first)...

Do you see some of Hold in your H in some way? In yourself?

LA

Sorry Jayne...being outbid on Ebay falls into my catastrophic category.

Jayne:

The wierd thing to me, given how bad I have been at accepting compliments, is the change I have noticed in her. She accepts my compliments now. She smiles and blushes rather than getting annoyed and telling me to be quiet. Perhaps going without them for a while, she now realizes how much she likes it when they are available.

Oh, and I have to thank a movie. The Dirty Truth. Mrs. Hold was watching with D13 yesterday. When I got home, they looked at me and said "here he is". I asked "who?" Mrs. Hold explained that Katherine Heigl's character had been listing all the qualities she was looking for in a man. Intelligent. Nice guy. Has a good job. Handsome but doesn't know it. D13 said "Dad, that is you!" Mrs. Hold smiled and allowed me to give her a hug.

Maybe God is giving me some peace at home to make up for the mess at work. I need to choose to be appreciative.

Or maybe before, she was embarrassed because she didn't think they could possibly be true, but now that she has lost some weight her self-esteem has improved, so she doesn't think you are just lying to her?

I know if I was feeling ugly and someone told me I was beautiful, I'd feel bad because I'd think they were just lying.


Coolsies!

One day, the title of this thread is gonna REALLY come true: You're gonna wake up and realize you and Mrs. Hold are on the same team.


I double-dog dare you to name three things each day that you are thankful for.

This morning Mrs. Hold entered the bathroom as I was getting out of the shower. I said "woo hoo alert". She started getting undressed. So I said "see, I told you it was 'woo hoo' time. My woo hoo radar is infallible!" She smiled.

In the past, she would frown and complain about my immaturity if I gave her a "woo hoo" when she got naked. Now she seems to enjoy it.

LA is always telling me to allow for the possibility that Mrs. Hold might change. And to notice when she does. So today, I noticed.

That's what you get for hanging in there.

�Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan "press on" has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race." - Calvin Coolidge

You love your wife's laugh...

and her smile...

and when she gets and loves your humor...

You love a lot of things about your wife.

Just as she does you.

As Retread said, you persist in your marriage...for your own reasons...recalled and recommitted to over and over again...and the key fact is...

you persist.

Which I think makes you irresistible to your wife.



Thank you for sharing a woo hoo moment, Hold.

LA

HI LA:

Thank you. I don't want to t/j Hold's thread so I will take your questions over to my other one if you don't mind responding there for me.

I do want to answer this one here though


The answer is yes. I actually see myself in both Hold's and TheMud's wife though not to the degree they have had difficulties. I did not understand the need for SF for a long time and when I finally got it, it is somewhat to late. My h has even made the statement "now I know how he feels." And in some ways maybe his difficulties with SF are my fault.

I think for Hold's wife as is being shown now that some of her SF and inability to accept compliments comes from how she feels about herself. I never believed my h compliments and still struggle with them sometimes. Because I never felt good about myself and I felt he was just saying it because he felt he had to. It is a very difficult hurdle to get over and there are some times when you fall back into the old thinking. I think it depends a lot on how we feel about ourselves is reflected in our SF.


Also Hold continues to come back and chew on things so to speak. So I don't think he is nearly as done with the marriage as he thinks he is. I have felt that way on and off and the more I feel that way the longer I stay there now. However I see him still wanting to make this work with his wife cause somewhere under the protection he has put up to protect himself he still loves his wife. However I think the pain from the constant rejection which he may feel is a rejection of himself became to painful to bear everyday and he had to tuck away those feelings and build up a wall to protect himself.

And now it looks like his wife is working on those bricks one brick at a time and Hold is responding. I don't think he is as done as he tries to tell himself.

And I could be way off.

WAHOO MRS HOLD AND MR HOLD

I believe like the others that alot of what Mrs. Hold has been doing has been more of how she feels about herself. And it was actually her rejecting herself and her desirability than about rejecting you Hold.

Enjoy these wonderful steps she is taking towards you and there maybe some setbacks. Try not to take those personally or as a rejection of you.

I truly hope you give her a chance. Sometimes it takes a long while for us to wake up to this stuff. And we do tend to make it diffficult.

I truly hope this takes out some of the sting that is happening at work.

Not all is lost Hold, you and your wife have made my day.

Nah. She turned down the compliments back before she gained weight.

More like what you said about not seeing them as sincere. Back when she was young, she got compliments and wolf whistles all day. So she disliked getting them from me. Because it made her feel like I was like just like all the other guys. Only after her for her body. Which wasn't totally wrong. I was (and am) after her for her body. The difference is, I am also after her for other things.

For a while she didn't get as many compliments on her looks. Especially after I stopped giving them. Now I think she appreciates the compliments more. Because she sees that I am sincere. That she is beautiful in my eyes no matter how she looks.

"You look hot" was always my way of saying "I love you". For a long tme, it wasn't a very effective way to communicate that message. But lately, she seems to feel loved when she hears it. Which is good news for both of us.

I remember not accepting compliments...it was passed down to me from my mother, who believed to reject compliments was to be modest.

It isn't, wasn't. Compliments is another person sharing their stuff with you...it's about them. So rejecting them rejects the person.

Huge thing to stop doing that...to accept, receive...doesn't mean you believe what they do, see what they do...means you accept someone else.

Another part of the persistent rejection you lived in, Hold. You weren't crazy. And she was rejecting herself and it hurt you.

And now she's stopping that. Carefully, slowly, truly.

Maybe you could do more woo hoo alerts...when you come home and she's made dinner...when you see her enter a room (dressed, even)...when she smiles at something you just said...or when she touches your shoulder or hugs you.

Even if you whisper it in her ear...then you could retrain your brain to love celebration of what is instead of rejection that was...

Slowly...over time.

And for the MB board...woo hoo!



LA

Yes, I can woo hoo when she does a good job parenting or saving money or helping in the community. It doesn't just have to be about naked boobies! Not that I don't compliment her about her mind and heart and personality. But adding a woo hoo might help as well.

Had a nice trip for business. Got home after 4 days away. Mrs. Hold was very pleasant. No sex, but this morning we had a long hug. I couldn't remember when we last had such a long hug. I told her that. And that I liked it. She said it is easier for her to hug now that she isn't so heavy.

D13 wanted to clean out her closets. We will donate the decent stuff to charity. Mrs. Hold went "shopping" among D13's discards. Good feeling for Mrs. Hold to be able to fit into some of D13's stuff. Not sure it is so great for D13, but we will continue to deal with issues of diet, nutrition, exercise and health with her as well.

S15 starts lacrosse today. Should be interesting to see how quickly he picks it up.

LAX is great, Hold. For me, I'm glad winter swim season is over. Much less driving involved with LAX!

Had a nice evening and morning. I put foaming cleanser into Mrs. Hold's ears to clean out the waxy buildup. If this doesn't work, I guess we got with floor cleaner next!

I always like it when we can do personal hygiene items together. I know, TMI and wierd. But I feel it is very intimate.

Plus, she let me take off her sweaty socks after the gym today. Some of you may remember the sweaty socks thread from a few years ago. Guess I have a fetish!

I'm impressed. I can barely stand to wash my husband's sweaty socks. And the teenage boy does his own laundry now. Can't go there, at all. YUCK. And TRIPLE YUCK to his bathroom. Thank GAWD he has his own. I make him clean it, too.

If you are a very physical person, then doing physical things together feels great... The more intimate the better...

I get it, and I'm truly happy things are going well, Hold!!!

Don't panic if there is a setback.

BTW, how are things at work, you had hit a crisis a short while ago? someone trying to blame you for something...?

Work problem is still there. Hoping to make it go away quickly and easily. But not optimistic. I know. You are shocked.

Keep telling myself this too shall pass.

I complimented Mrs. Hold on her weight loss this monring. She frowned. So I added "but your brain and heart are still big". She said "good catch". I called her later. Told her that it was difficult for me to refrain from complimenting her on her body. I know she doesn't like compliments on her body. So I will restrain myself. But restraining myself motivates me to withdraw. It is hard to be with her and stifle myself.

She says she gets many compliments on her weight loss and she doesn't accept the compliments well from anyone. It is not just mine that make her uncomfortable. I said I understood. And don't take it personally. But it is probably harder for me to refrain than for others. Since her attractiveness fills a huge emotional need for me and fills me with joy and it is hard for me to refrain from sharing that joy with her.

I told her that I would try to find a happy medium between withdrawing and staying engaged and complimenting her sometimes but not too much. And that I needed her help in determining how much was too much.

She said I was digging myself a hole and spiraling down. I said "this is no hole, this is where I live." I hate Radical Honesty.