I understand where folks are coming from. They are trying to tell you that if you find things to replace the things you are giving up for your husband... things that truly make you both happy... then you will no longer feel like those other things were sacrifices.

It's like if I give up cheeseburgers, and find that the new brand of veggie burgers tastes just as good--even better. Then you'd hear me saying "I don't even miss it" vs. "I've had to give up burgers!"

Or... let's say I really like going to restaurants, but my husband doesn't. We decide that I'm going to have one night a month with the girls, and will go to my favorite restaurants that night... And then, my husband and I take up ballroom dance or something--and I end up feeling like I don't even miss going to restaurants with him.

If you haven't had the experience of your husband negotiating things with you to the point where you both are genuinely happy, then Of COURSE you are sacrificing. I mean, it sounds like you simply no longer go to sit down restaurants, rather than talk together about what you're going to do instead.

Now, having said all that--let me tell you that the very thing you are talking about (the issue of sacrifice being something that can be a good part of marriage) is the very reason my husband does not like MB.

He was at a talk with Dr. Harley (Senior) and followed up with him after the talk to discuss the issue of sacrifice. He was not happy with the conversation, because he feels much like you.

I think the most important way to overcome this discrepancy is to really understand the policy of joint agreement.

You are not to do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse... So if your husband isn't enthusiastic about not going to sit-down restaurants, and if you are not enthusiastic about NOT going to sit down restaurants, then you need to come up with something that you can both feel good about.

Right now, you feel good about sacrificing--but ultimately, it's better if EVERYTHING is subject to the POJA. That way, you are of the habit of coming to arrangements that you both feel good about, rather than being in the habit of sacrificing.

The Policy of Joint Agreement is still new to my husband. We talk about it all the time, because one of the other of us is used to sacrificing.

Having done it both ways, I am now seeing that wanting "both of us to be enthusiastic" is the best way to go.

And even though you may be willing to sacrifice for your husband, and even feel fine about it... don't you think it would be better if you could find arrangement you could BOTH feel enthusiastic about? Something that woudl completely remove the feeling of sacrifice from your relationship?

I mean, I don't feel like I'm sacrificing great sex outside of marriage (even if I am) as long as I'm having great sex with my husband, right? I don't feel like I'm sacrificing great conversations and flirtation with men outside of marriage (even though I am) as long as I'm having those things with my husband, right?

The idea is to POJA EVERYTHING. Not because sacrifice is BAD, but because both couples being enthusiastic with all arrangements is BETTER in terms of feeling love for one another.

Does this make any sense?

Me 42
H 46
Married 12 years
Two children D9 and D4 !